I just can't keep my emotions in check…
I've had bad mental health struggles my whole life but I've also always been extremely headstrong too and it kills me!
Get bad depression, but also have autism and ADHD and all three are like different people in my brain telling me 3 different things at all time that never stops and no one ever takes over lol enough for me… affecting my mood, my heath, sexuality, relationships etc.
I get depressed and suicidal then I feel bad but still okay, I fear death but can't wait for it, hopeful then hopeless, rational then irrational and it's always in such quick succession.
I always think something will get better and often it does but it always eventually comes crashing down and it's always worse than the good times, living is painful, I can't stand working and just coasting through life, not having the money or time I need and if I do wasting it etc. which is why I just want to CTB to end the pain if things were to get better they may but it's not worth the pain of the times in between I just don't have the capability or capacity to deal with any part of life anymore food or bad.
I feel ready enough to CTB, I'm almost fully prepared I was lucky enough to get Kgs of SN, jars to store it, Meto and I'm ready to transfer it and then rest it tomorrow, just have to buy distilled water to test then a Dr appointment next week to try and get Benzos and I'm so grateful that's all gone without a hitch but also a hit guilty for the people who can't I know are way worse off and in more pain.
I'm ready but like most anxious enough about it to feel off, but it's not going better… think maybe it's just SI taking a bit of control possibly?
Sorry for the vent, hopefully someone has some words or just good input to validate my feelings
I've had bad mental health struggles my whole life but I've also always been extremely headstrong too and it kills me!
Get bad depression, but also have autism and ADHD and all three are like different people in my brain telling me 3 different things at all time that never stops and no one ever takes over lol enough for me… affecting my mood, my heath, sexuality, relationships etc.
I get depressed and suicidal then I feel bad but still okay, I fear death but can't wait for it, hopeful then hopeless, rational then irrational and it's always in such quick succession.
I always think something will get better and often it does but it always eventually comes crashing down and it's always worse than the good times, living is painful, I can't stand working and just coasting through life, not having the money or time I need and if I do wasting it etc. which is why I just want to CTB to end the pain if things were to get better they may but it's not worth the pain of the times in between I just don't have the capability or capacity to deal with any part of life anymore food or bad.
I feel ready enough to CTB, I'm almost fully prepared I was lucky enough to get Kgs of SN, jars to store it, Meto and I'm ready to transfer it and then rest it tomorrow, just have to buy distilled water to test then a Dr appointment next week to try and get Benzos and I'm so grateful that's all gone without a hitch but also a hit guilty for the people who can't I know are way worse off and in more pain.
I'm ready but like most anxious enough about it to feel off, but it's not going better… think maybe it's just SI taking a bit of control possibly?
Sorry for the vent, hopefully someone has some words or just good input to validate my feelings
