d.va
love, d.va
- Apr 5, 2023
- 5
I constantly feel the desire to sabotage my own life. I think it's because would help me "justify" ctb. I've always just wanted something to happen to me by chance, to have the bus just hit me instead of having to buy my own ticket.
Ever since I've lived on my own I've felt like I owed too much to too many people to ctb, like the expect me to do better, to get better, and that I owe it to them to try to; but I have. It won't.
This line of thought always leads me to sabotaging my own life, ruining their expectations of me so that they don't expect anything else from me. I know myself and my addictive personality well enough that I've always considered (or maybe.. fantasized about?) intentionally getting hooked on something and getting strung out so that they would maybe also feel I deserved it if/when I OD.
Ever since I've lived on my own I've felt like I owed too much to too many people to ctb, like the expect me to do better, to get better, and that I owe it to them to try to; but I have. It won't.
This line of thought always leads me to sabotaging my own life, ruining their expectations of me so that they don't expect anything else from me. I know myself and my addictive personality well enough that I've always considered (or maybe.. fantasized about?) intentionally getting hooked on something and getting strung out so that they would maybe also feel I deserved it if/when I OD.
