QueerMelancholy
Mage
- Jul 29, 2023
- 531
How does anyone deal with this? This constant confusion. I feel like I am always so confused all the time whenever I spend more than 2 seconds trying to really think about something it feels like I am caught in a valley between 2 mountains. Like I am just lost, unaware, and I don't even trust my own senses or the markers and cues that the world is giving me. Like the whole fucking experience is just a lazy abstract picture where I have to stare at lines and all this bullshit people call art and pretend like I understand what it all fucking means when I can't even understand why it's important that people even pretend they understand in the first place.
Like we're all trying to fit into some box so we can fit into other boxes. No one wants to be in the boxes below them they want to be in the boxes above them but then the people who have everything or more than they need feel robbed when people who've been just getting by get closer to having more.
It's all so easy and so complicated. Words. Thoughts. Opinions. Laws. All the shit inside us and outside us. The shit in our heads. The shit in our mouths. The shit in our bodies. It feels like I'm constantly on the edge of losing my mind questioning everything and then questioning my need to question the questioning. Some days it doesn't feel good or productive. It just feels so destructive like I am ruminating on my confusion and getting more confused.
Thinking too deeply about things until I start to drown under the weight of it. Slipping past the superficial top layer, breaking past the ice, and falling into the dark underbelly of all the fucking BS we tell ourselves so we don't feel confused in the first place. How the fuck do normal, average people do it? Do they get to a certain place in their lives where they finally end up in a box and stop caring? No that can't be right. Is it that they get to a certain point in life and stop thinking too deeply about anything that doesn't concern them? Maybe that's a little closer. But what is the motivation there? Is it just you get to where you feel safe and then you start to ignore anything that doesn't threaten that safety? Your box?
The kind people among us say anything is possible. That we should stay open to anything being possible and yet it doesn't feel like the real world even works like that. Doesn't feel that ideology even works unless you feel entitled to something. The idea that anything is possible only seems to work in my mind when people use it for optimistic explanations to validate their entitlement to something or their access to success. No one wants to readily acknowledge that anything being possible can mean that more shitty things happen because that makes them feel like they can't control their lives and maybe that's how they escape what I am feeling. How they escape this confusion.
It just feels like we can't have a world that wants to be explained through being on a spectrum and yet everything we humans desire is seemingly so binary. We want good not evil. Right not wrong. Beauty not ugliness. Pleasure, not sadness. More of this and less of that. A silver lining in everything because the thought that suffering is out of our control is terrifying.
I'm continuously losing my mind and I feel like I am permanently confused caught between this feeling that I need to pretend to understand everything or risk the chance of looking like an ignorant fool or I ignore everything I don't understand and live more carelessly as an ignorant fool. It can't be both but it feels like society wants that of me. Society wants me not to question anything I don't understand and to also ignore certain things and be a little more careless because carelessness seems to be more profitable.
Make it make sense to me. No one seems to understand what I am going through and I don't need anyone to validate my feelings or opinions. I just need to know how other people are dealing with this confusion.
Like we're all trying to fit into some box so we can fit into other boxes. No one wants to be in the boxes below them they want to be in the boxes above them but then the people who have everything or more than they need feel robbed when people who've been just getting by get closer to having more.
It's all so easy and so complicated. Words. Thoughts. Opinions. Laws. All the shit inside us and outside us. The shit in our heads. The shit in our mouths. The shit in our bodies. It feels like I'm constantly on the edge of losing my mind questioning everything and then questioning my need to question the questioning. Some days it doesn't feel good or productive. It just feels so destructive like I am ruminating on my confusion and getting more confused.
Thinking too deeply about things until I start to drown under the weight of it. Slipping past the superficial top layer, breaking past the ice, and falling into the dark underbelly of all the fucking BS we tell ourselves so we don't feel confused in the first place. How the fuck do normal, average people do it? Do they get to a certain place in their lives where they finally end up in a box and stop caring? No that can't be right. Is it that they get to a certain point in life and stop thinking too deeply about anything that doesn't concern them? Maybe that's a little closer. But what is the motivation there? Is it just you get to where you feel safe and then you start to ignore anything that doesn't threaten that safety? Your box?
The kind people among us say anything is possible. That we should stay open to anything being possible and yet it doesn't feel like the real world even works like that. Doesn't feel that ideology even works unless you feel entitled to something. The idea that anything is possible only seems to work in my mind when people use it for optimistic explanations to validate their entitlement to something or their access to success. No one wants to readily acknowledge that anything being possible can mean that more shitty things happen because that makes them feel like they can't control their lives and maybe that's how they escape what I am feeling. How they escape this confusion.
It just feels like we can't have a world that wants to be explained through being on a spectrum and yet everything we humans desire is seemingly so binary. We want good not evil. Right not wrong. Beauty not ugliness. Pleasure, not sadness. More of this and less of that. A silver lining in everything because the thought that suffering is out of our control is terrifying.
I'm continuously losing my mind and I feel like I am permanently confused caught between this feeling that I need to pretend to understand everything or risk the chance of looking like an ignorant fool or I ignore everything I don't understand and live more carelessly as an ignorant fool. It can't be both but it feels like society wants that of me. Society wants me not to question anything I don't understand and to also ignore certain things and be a little more careless because carelessness seems to be more profitable.
Make it make sense to me. No one seems to understand what I am going through and I don't need anyone to validate my feelings or opinions. I just need to know how other people are dealing with this confusion.
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