Venting Constant agony

[a flurry of knives]

My life right now is nothing but trying to find distractions to keep my brain at bay. If I'm not distracted enough, my brain will just actively work against me. Extreme overthinking that leads to the most intense agony I could ever feel, just this immense emotional pain, this visceral feeling of being wrong in everything I do. I genuinely cannot function when I'm like this, I can't control my actions, so I always end up doing something really fucking impulsive and stupid to try and shut my brain up. My brain constantly trying to convince me everything I do, everything I've ever done, everything I could ever do... all of it is wrong. So deeply wrong. Like I'm just inherently disgusting and worthless. I thought I was so disgusting today that I literally just immediately kept cutting my own face. I couldn't even control that action I just did it because the emotional pain was so intense. It's constantly like this. I can't study for my uni entrance exams because it's not a strong enough distraction from my brain. It's like my brain isn't mine it's someone else's because I cannot explain otherwise why else it would do this. And if I fail my entrance exams I feel like my life will just be fucking over because I'll have wasted another year of my life and that'll just make me feel even worse and good god do I want to fucking kill myself.

 

[unabletocope]

I feel you. You're trying to distract yourself, caught in the need to distract yourself to focus- there are so many ways in which modern life requires our utmost attention to keep going and its usually too much to go on, I feel your struggle

 

[uzuf86]

Start Meditation asap it helps

 

[AbsurdAbyss]

Life is pain. Trying to forget or ignore this only worsens my condition - becomes a constant reminder of more pain to come. I'm done fighting for a life I know will be nothing but pain. Too tired to "move on" only to be stared down by everything I leave behind.

 

[iloverachel]

I can so relate
My brain is my own worst enemy
Finding useless thoughts to torture myself with

 

[deathslament]

Start Meditation asap it helps

like the lot hasn't already been dosed a plethora of.
just take pills and you'll be normal, just take pills and you'll shut up.
that's what this entails.

 

[theboy]

I understand what you are going through. I hope you are doing well in college.