Venting Confused

[vivia]

i don't wanna ramble on, i just wanna share a bit 'cause it really is just a little, even though i've been thinking about it every single day. i keep gaslighting myself to be a "realistic" person dealing with the social scene in this world, one part of that is accepting the whole "people come and go" thing—and yeah, it really happens. the problem is i've become irrationally paranoid, maybe got BPD too, whatever this and that… it only makes everything worse. on the outside i might look chill but in my head it's total chaos. every time i meet someone new (which is rare) i can't shake the thought that they're judging me for being "too try-hard" and that they'll bounce soon, whether it's them or anyone else. fucked-up attachment issues, i hate it. why can't i just be as realistic as everyone else? am i just not real, haha. fuck, feels like i don't even exist. not anyone's favorite, or whatever. i've got money, i've got this and that, but when i'm lonely it feels so weird. i don't know what to do—physically i could, but mentally i can't, i need someone to invite me or tell me… it's honestly so dumb. i'm crazy, i'm really crazy… totally selfish. but tell me, do you think CTB on the night after your birthday is cool or not?​

 

[looking4partner]

Tbh, I don't think I would do that myself because it seems like it would make things more difficult for my family. (answer to your question.)

But also when people are at the point of carrying out CTB, I don't think they are usually at the point of being aware of or thinking about things like that anymore.

ERP & CBT used to help me a little bit with some of those repetitive thoughts around people if you're still looking for therapy. I wanted my counselor to help me keep practicing it, but instead they kept telling me they didn't think CBT would be helpful in my situation when I kept asking if we could do those exercises more. (&It wouldn't have changed my situation, but it could have still helped with thoughts the situation was triggering about my future. Then later on, I developed health conditions that CBT therapy is recommended for and that same counselor was telling me that CBT is the only scientifically approved therapy method for my conditions...)

They also told me that we had been doing CBT, but they didn't explain that we were doing the exercises like they had on the days that it worked. And I need more explanation for things to make sense and to understand how to do them and practice with someone else teaching me which I also read suggested on some websites about CBT