Venting conflicting feelings

[Meimi18]

Everything is so conflicting
I wanna get worse so I have a reason to ctb but I also want to get better, I want to be able to rely on my friends but I'm terrified they're finally going to realize I'm obnoxious and annoying and leave, I can't open up to people but I can't keep my mouth shut at the same time
I want everyone to just leave me alone so I can die in peace but I also desperately want someone to save me because I'm too pathetic to save myself

I'm so tired, I just want this to be over, I just want them to forget about me already

 

[tinyghost]

its never wrong to hold on to hope and reach out and exhaust your resources. in the meantime we will be here

 

[Weltall]

Everything is so conflicting
I wanna get worse so I have a reason to ctb but I also want to get better, I want to be able to rely on my friends but I'm terrified they're finally going to realize I'm obnoxious and annoying and leave, I can't open up to people but I can't keep my mouth shut at the same time
I want everyone to just leave me alone so I can die in peace but I also desperately want someone to save me because I'm too pathetic to save myself

I'm so tired, I just want this to be over, I just want them to forget about me already

As Tiny said, look into the resources around you and use them. They're there for a reason.
Even though you'll still feel it, don't ever think you deserve to feel guilty for needing help

If your friends can't accept you, then they probably weren't real friends—just acquaintances.
The people who want to listen and help you grow as a person—those are true friends.

I know it's tiring, but just try your best to approach this with a clear mind.