xmissellax
Need My Peace
- Feb 25, 2024
- 113
Today was good. After spending all night without a wink of sleep in A&E with my boyfriend due to his stoma being partially blocked, today was productive. I had a session with an OCD life coach, did some shopping on my own which I enjoyed, got dinner with my brother and his partner, attended a meditation class and ended the day watching a movie with my brother and his partner. Tomorrow I have my therapist session and the dreaded visit to the dentists to talk about removing my wisdom teeth.
I couldn't have dreamed of doing all this a month ago when all I could think of was jumping off a bridge and barely left my room.
However, the happiest part of my day was storing my SN properly in a glass container sealed with wax. My mood highly depends on my SN protocol and how secure I have everything I need for if/when I need to use it. If I wasn't able to get my SN sealed properly today I would have been anxious and disassociative with life. I'm so glad I found SN on this site so I didn't have to resort to drowning or jumping in front of a train, the only other two methods I could see myself doing in an act of desperation.
I had been crying every day up until a week ago sure I was going to CTB soon or not make it until the family holiday to Japan, my one dream destination, in November. But my med increase has kicked in.
Now I'm trying to hold on for Japan and throw everything I can at my severe depression / anxiety relapse due to my gallbladdder removal tough recovery / mums cancer diagnosis 5 months ago.
I've bought books, booked a life coach, a therapist, meditation, etc. The thing is, I wanted to CTB after Japan. My boyfriend will come into some money soon so said we can travel next year. I was contemplating holding out for a few amazing holidays, go out having experienced that at least, and spending the last bits of quality time with my loved ones, and then CTB afterwards.
It's a tricky situation though, because I want to make sure I'm well enough for Japan, but a huge part of me doesn't want to get *too* better so that I can CTB afterwards. A big part of my reason for CTB is fear of cancer/degeneration/aging/worsening of my chronic health/pain etc, and also living with autism/OCD/EUBPD which can make my brain a hell.
I don't want to kick myself for not taking the SN sooner if I end up staying for another 5 years and it goes off and I won't be able to get any more of it. I don't want to do hanging and I can't access any other method easily apart from jumping (which I think SI will make too hard) and train/drowning.
It's like, I want to recover but only short term. But being honest with myself, the fact that I want to stay for Japan and now mustered the motivation to help myself again, I don't think I'm ready to CTB. And I'm just annoyed because what if I'm not ready to CTB for ages and then I miss my boat. The only other option is living until I die naturally and that's like my worst OCD fear EVER. So I'm torn between trying my hardest to do what I can to prepare myself for it and overcome it, while also trying my absolute hardest to make sure I have a CTB method I can use that will gauruntee my death. It all just seems to counter each other. I still consistently want to die by my own hand at the end of all my ruminations, but part of me is leaning towards hope again and I'm scared.
Can anyone else relate? Like NOT wanting to hope because it means living doesn't become scarier than death again?
Living for me in the state I was in mentally and physically after my surgery was way scarier than CTB. But now the scales have shifted again and it's just exhausting and annoying! lol.
I couldn't have dreamed of doing all this a month ago when all I could think of was jumping off a bridge and barely left my room.
However, the happiest part of my day was storing my SN properly in a glass container sealed with wax. My mood highly depends on my SN protocol and how secure I have everything I need for if/when I need to use it. If I wasn't able to get my SN sealed properly today I would have been anxious and disassociative with life. I'm so glad I found SN on this site so I didn't have to resort to drowning or jumping in front of a train, the only other two methods I could see myself doing in an act of desperation.
I had been crying every day up until a week ago sure I was going to CTB soon or not make it until the family holiday to Japan, my one dream destination, in November. But my med increase has kicked in.
Now I'm trying to hold on for Japan and throw everything I can at my severe depression / anxiety relapse due to my gallbladdder removal tough recovery / mums cancer diagnosis 5 months ago.
I've bought books, booked a life coach, a therapist, meditation, etc. The thing is, I wanted to CTB after Japan. My boyfriend will come into some money soon so said we can travel next year. I was contemplating holding out for a few amazing holidays, go out having experienced that at least, and spending the last bits of quality time with my loved ones, and then CTB afterwards.
It's a tricky situation though, because I want to make sure I'm well enough for Japan, but a huge part of me doesn't want to get *too* better so that I can CTB afterwards. A big part of my reason for CTB is fear of cancer/degeneration/aging/worsening of my chronic health/pain etc, and also living with autism/OCD/EUBPD which can make my brain a hell.
I don't want to kick myself for not taking the SN sooner if I end up staying for another 5 years and it goes off and I won't be able to get any more of it. I don't want to do hanging and I can't access any other method easily apart from jumping (which I think SI will make too hard) and train/drowning.
It's like, I want to recover but only short term. But being honest with myself, the fact that I want to stay for Japan and now mustered the motivation to help myself again, I don't think I'm ready to CTB. And I'm just annoyed because what if I'm not ready to CTB for ages and then I miss my boat. The only other option is living until I die naturally and that's like my worst OCD fear EVER. So I'm torn between trying my hardest to do what I can to prepare myself for it and overcome it, while also trying my absolute hardest to make sure I have a CTB method I can use that will gauruntee my death. It all just seems to counter each other. I still consistently want to die by my own hand at the end of all my ruminations, but part of me is leaning towards hope again and I'm scared.
Can anyone else relate? Like NOT wanting to hope because it means living doesn't become scarier than death again?
Living for me in the state I was in mentally and physically after my surgery was way scarier than CTB. But now the scales have shifted again and it's just exhausting and annoying! lol.
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