Confessing Sins

[Chockles]

In order to CBT soon I feel the need to reduce my guilt/Regret from the past.
I'm not religious & I'm bed ridden anyway so talking to a priest confessing my sins isn't going to help me.
I've already ranted a lot on here about my difficult relationship with my parents, my inability to realise I've likely had adhd & autism my entire life aside of physical pain which is now debilitating & my regret at not being able to mend bridges & support my parents.

But there's things I've not told anyone before.

Like I remember now as a youth I regularly stole from shops. Blindly told my gran it didn't happen when I was caught red handed one day & she believed me & never shopped there again. I later went on to stealing pc games etc from John Menzies. I think it was just the thrill as my parents never left me short of money if I wanted something. I grew out of that phase when I left home.

I then became a compulsive liar most of my life. Again I think I lacked self esteem I wasn't saying things to upset people just to make my life seem more interesting and alternative. I think I wanted to be more of a risk taker so I'd say I did hard drugs in past, tandem sky dived, I even had a set of friends that didn't exist for years & the more lies i told & got away with the more I couldn't seem to stop myself. I confessed to my ex when our relationship ended 8 months ago that most of my life has been a lie. Even he said I'd sounded convincing & didn't believe I'd made it all up & some things must be true.

I have had physical issues all my life. It is ultimately physical nerve damage I suspect from mold toxicity that has left me completely disabled in agony 24/7 & only since January suicidal as unable to recover with debilitating pain but I also now realise I've had a lot of mental health issues throughout my life that have gone undiagnosed with just anxiety being blamed by family & doctors.

I'm hoping that by confessing on here it will at least reduce some of my guilt incase there is an afterlife. It's weird because the thought of nothingness scares me. I'd like another chance at life May be not on earth but I've read those on the other side spiritually who committed suicide still have peace, life learning from their time on earth & the chance to see their loved ones again, and everything is beautiful & colourful. I left it too start appreciating the smaller things in life. I'd only just started appreciating nature more, taken up hobbies suitable to my autism traits like drawing & Learning guitar before I was struck down with electrical vibrations throughout body & jolted for 8 solid months with seizure activity & now my ears & jaw completely cut off & I feel attached to a wire fence every waking hour.

Yet I'm still here with my elderly parents ordering N next week. They support my need to die yet my mum gets so emotional & upset I'm struggling to figure out how I can ctb when she needs my support as much as I need hers. I know they love me now, I know I can't make up for lost time, I know they can't cope seeing me suffering & would rather I die but at home so they have a body to bury. Yet again earlier mum was hugging me crying her eyes out as felt dad had got annoyed at her. She has dementia I calmed her down. It felt good to help her but now agsin it makes it harder with my SI kicking in even tho I know deep down it'll be best for not just me but them if I can take the N soon & they can stop worrying about how badly I'm suffering, bury me & perhaps have some quality time together left before they die.

If I was less physically disabled I'd prefer to book into a hotel. Leave a note where they can find me or something. Doing it at home seems so gut wrenching knowing they are sleeping next door. What if I fail to gulp it down. Yet many say they envy me because my parents support my need to die. It is absolutely horrible lying crying all day in agony I want to scream but I can't upset them anymore than I am already. I simply have to find the courage to ctb soon.
It is the only answer or I'll end up killing them & stuck in a psyche ward in agony for decades myself as No medications/drugs touch my pain anymore. I've even done hard drugs now but just to try get pain relief not to big myself up as someone alternative & to be admired for recovering.

I have done remarkably well I feel now to have gotten this far without suicidal tendencies given how shit my life has obviously been. I did have some fun time in my adult life but I can see now there was more trauma than good times.

Anyway that's my rant. Would anyone else like to share regrets or sins they've had in their lives they haven't told anyone else. I'm hoping it'll help me as as is the only support I have now besides my parents who I can't talk to about everything as they simply cannot cope with anymore negativity from me.

 

[Dot]

Stole a pen from kid in class when was child. Child told teacher, teacher called Mum. Had lied to Mum about pen and she believed, so 'confirmed' ownership
to teacher
Also stole childrens books from place Mum did community work & lied about it. Was both when approx 11 ys old. Later in teen years, shoplifted few times.

Not told big lies later however have lied compulsively through fear also. Have generally come clean tho. Deep down feelings of not being good enough.

Am not omnipotent by any means, but if is of any help, have heard about ur regrets and forgive you. God forgives u & loves u. If are a person of faith, give to God who will always forgive - personal belief is where true forgiveness comes from. May be reassuring to Google -'Grace' and will see how loved u r despite mistakes. None were made 2 b perfect and most are good at heart, just clouded with pain. All fallible people. "They know not what they do"

 

[motel rooms]

Like I remember now as a youth I regularly stole from shops. Blindly told my gran it didn't happen when I was caught red handed one day & she believed me & never shopped there again. I later went on to stealing pc games etc from John Menzies. I think it was just the thrill as my parents never left me short of money if I wanted something. I grew out of that phase when I left home.

I then became a compulsive liar most of my life. Again I think I lacked self esteem I wasn't saying things to upset people just to make my life seem more interesting and alternative. I think I wanted to be more of a risk taker so I'd say I did hard drugs in past, tandem sky dived, I even had a set of friends that didn't exist for years & the more lies i told & got away with the more I couldn't seem to stop myself. I confessed to my ex when our relationship ended 8 months ago that most of my life has been a lie. Even he said I'd sounded convincing & didn't believe I'd made it all up & some things must be true.

Those aren't sins...

 

[Dot]

Those aren't sins...

May seem small but be surprised what ppl hold on to guilt/shame for. No harm in wanting clean slate..

 

[Chockles]

Stole a pen from kid in class when was child. Child told teacher, teacher called Mum. Had lied to Mum about pen and she believed, so 'confirmed' ownership
to teacher
Also stole childrens books from place Mum did community work & lied about it. Was both when approx 11 ys old. Later in teen years, shoplifted few times.

Not told big lies later however have lied compulsively through fear also. Have generally come clean tho. Deep down feelings of not being good enough.

Am not omnipotent by any means, but if is of any help, have heard about ur regrets and forgive you. God forgives u & loves u. If are a person of faith, give to God who will always forgive - personal belief is where true forgiveness comes from. May be reassuring to Google -'Grace' and will see how loved u r despite mistakes. None were made 2 b perfect and most are good at heart, just clouded with pain. All fallible people. "They know not what they do"

Thank you. I don't really believe in God. I don't really have any strong views. Guess I'm agnostic. I'd like to believe in 2nd chances an afterlife of sorts a chance to learn crom my mistakes but only if it's better than this one otherwise I'd prefer nothingness eternal sleep.
Means a lot tho you replying sharing similar regrets/sins. I wish you peace or recovery depending on where you are in your journey x

 

[motel rooms]

May seem small but be surprised what ppl hold on to guilt/shame for.

I know some people are unnecessarily excessively scrupulous... Silly little lies don't matter if they hurt no one, much less stealing cheap crap as a child.

I've stolen food & I don't regret it one bit. I've casually eaten entire bags of nuts & cheese cubes in supermarkets. If God had a problem with that, he should've given me parents who weren't sadists who starve growing boys & sent me food packages.

 

[Chockles]

Those aren't sins...

I know but it's just 2 examples. I've told so many lies, done stupid things. My whole life feels a lie & now I'm so physically bed ridden I'm remembering so many things deeply buried & realise my life has been more good than bad yet I didn't really recognise it as a problem until the last couple years. Always blamed physical issues for everything.

I know some people are unnecessarily excessively scrupulous... Silly little lies don't matter if they hurt no one, much less stealing cheap crap as a child.

I've stolen food when I was hungry kid & I don't regret it one bit. I've causally eaten entire bags of nuts & cheese cubes in supermarkets, & I'm not ashamed of it. If God had a problem with that, he should've given me parents who weren't sadists who starve growing boys & sent me food packages.

It's not so much regret but worry I'll be made to suffer in some way for it all after I ctb. Hence my SI is strong despite being in incredible physical pain & making my parentssuffer more continuing to live.

I know some people are unnecessarily excessively scrupulous... Silly little lies don't matter if they hurt no one, much less stealing cheap crap as a child.

I've stolen food when I was hungry kid & I don't regret it one bit. I've causally eaten entire bags of nuts & cheese cubes in supermarkets, & I'm not ashamed of it. If God had a problem with that, he should've given me parents who weren't sadists who starve growing boys & sent me food packages.

It's not so much regret but worry I'll be made to suffer in some way for it all after I ctb. Hence my SI is strong despite being in incredible physical pain & making my parentssuffer more continuing to live.

I know some people are unnecessarily excessively scrupulous... Silly little lies don't matter if they hurt no one, much less stealing cheap crap as a child.

I've stolen food when I was a hungry kid & I don't regret it one bit. I've causally eaten entire bags of nuts & cheese cubes in supermarkets, & I'm not ashamed of it. If God had a problem with that, he should've given me parents who weren't sadists who starve growing boys & sent me food packages.

My parents were good to me tho. I wasn't abused just had lots of genetic disorders & health issues I masked for years. I never felt good enough especially to my mum but I can see now she tried her best just had her own anxieties could have done things better or differently but didn't know herself I had so many issues. I masked my fear of her for decades. There was nothing to fear. My brain is just wired differently. I was misunderstood maybe I'd have preferred hugs & empathy I realise now than what I thought was nagging & interfering about the way i led my life. But I can see now she meant well they helped me financially a lot but it felt like blackmail as if I weren't good enough. Living with them the last 4 months I realise they do love me & now it's too late to make up for lost time.

 

[motel rooms]

I never felt good enough especially to my mum but I can see now she tried her best just had her own anxieties could have done things better or differently but didn't know herself I had so many issues. I masked my fear of her for decades. There was nothing to fear. My brain is just wired differently. I was misunderstood maybe I'd have preferred hugs & empathy I realise now than what I thought was nagging & interfering about the way i led my life. But I can see now she meant well they helped me financially a lot but it felt like blackmail as if I weren't good enough. Living with them the last 4 months I realise they do love me & now it's too late to make up for lost time.

You're way too hard on yourself...

 

[haibiantou]

i lost my keys for a centre i volunteer at and then soon after someone else's lost keys were found... i waited a few weeks to see if anyone claimed them but they didn't so i just stole them rather than pay to get my own new set
i stole snacks from the centre and took them home
not the biggest sins but that's all i can think of right now...

I hope you can find some peace OP, sending you lots of love right now. If there is a higher power out there I am sure they will be understanding and loving

 

[Chockles]

You're way too hard on yourself...

I know think that's my main problem
Most with my genetic triple x syndrome are unfortunately.
I will take N I'm buying next week.
Death no matter what that is can't be worse than the physical hell I'm existing in. I'm just scared of failing to swallow it mostly now.

i lost my keys for a centre i volunteer at and then soon after someone else's lost keys were found... i waited a few weeks to see if anyone claimed them but they didn't so i just stole them rather than pay to get my own new set
i stole snacks from the centre and took them home
not the biggest sins but that's all i can think of right now...

I hope you can find some peace OP, sending you lots of love right now. If there is a higher power out there I am sure they will be understanding and loving

Thank you that helps.
I really think what's scaring me most is failing to swallow N assuming it arrives safely thro ugh customs first. Maybe I'll stop ranting once it's safely in my possession.
I know whatever death brings can't be any worse than my current existence of physical torture & now severe anxiety.

It's just the act of doing it not death itself that worries me most
Living scares me more than death.

 

[ScaredToLive]

You're definitely too hard on yourself, nothing bad in what you've done. Me and my friends used to steal on weekends, like as a hobby. I don't feel bad, these places are insured and they are ripping you off anyway

 

[FuneralCry]

I have made many mistakes and of course there are things that I regret. However in many cases I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I did not know any better. Sometimes we can also do things as a way of coping. To me the thought of eternal nothingness is comforting. That is what I believe there is after death. We were all perfectly fine not existing until we were forced to live. Non existence is the absence of suffering. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[Chockles]

You're definitely too hard on yourself, nothing bad in what you've done. Me and my friends used to steal on weekends, like as a hobby. I don't feel bad, these places are insured and they are ripping you off anyway

It's more that my entire life feels like it's been a lot of lies & only realising too late the cause of so many of my issues. I'd started recovery a bit a couple years ago was starting to appreciate smaller things in life like nature, drawing, learning guitar then something physically severe happened in lockdown making it impossible for me to continue living much longer. My mind is remembering so much shit deeply buried since becoming bed ridden.
I have to ctb due to my physical torture but feel sad as was only just starting to appreciate life properly. I read too much into the afterlife, nothingness etc bed ridden trying to get through each agonising day. I know realistically my current situation is hell & no death sentence can be worse it's just most seem to welcome nothingness yet I feel I've missed out on so much beauty I'd like to think there's something pleasant on the other side where I meet my loved ones again & appreciate vibrant colours that I used to only get brief visual traces with high doses of lsd or 2cb. Never experienced what others describe from hallucigenics. I don't think I have any imagination. Therefore nothingness isn't too appealing to me either but definitely better than current status. It's just the fear of the unknown I guess. Always been a coward. I need to stop reading threads on failures taking N. Once it's in my possession illiky stop ranting on ss & start thinking properly about preparing to end things soon.

I have made many mistakes and of course there are things that I regret. However in many cases I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I did not know any better. Sometimes we can also do things as a way of coping. To me the thought of eternal nothingness is comforting. That is what I believe there is after death. We were all perfectly fine not existing until we were forced to live. Non existence is the absence of suffering. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

Thank you. I used to hope death would be eternal sleep nothingness but I'd hoped to experience more in life then by an older age. Having realised I've had adhd & autism issues I only 2 years ago began to appreciate the beauty of our planet more, nature, the arts, music etc. I don't see colours much don't think i have ever had much imagination. Even hallucigenjcs I never experienced what most describe. Therefore nothingness kind of scares me id prefer to think afterlife like near death experiences vibrant colours, peace love & meeting loved ones again tho I don't really believe in God. I'm agnostic. But I do know my existence on earth is now hell & only getting worse by the day. I guess once my N is safely in my possession maybe ill stop ranting on here & start working on how & when to ctb asap thereafter. I just have too much time on my hands bed ridden. Ss has been a great support but it also raises anxieties reading threads about failures even with N. I hope I can find the courage & peace soon & I hope you can too. I see your support posts a lot. I appreciate your kind words.

 

[Dot]

I know some people are unnecessarily excessively scrupulous... Silly little lies don't matter if they hurt no one, much less stealing cheap crap as a child.

I've stolen food & I don't regret it one bit. I've casually eaten entire bags of nuts & cheese cubes in supermarkets. If God had a problem with that, he should've given me parents who weren't sadists who starve growing boys & sent me food packages.

Want to note that wasn't trying to evangelise to @Chockles - OP spoke of sins/priests etc so responded in kind as felt may be reassuring.

Re the lies had personally admitted to, felt had been bad person to mum & person stolen from. Have struggled with the memories recently as saw self as good person and felt like brain showing was inherently bad when young. Relate to Chockles feeling bad over things others may not see as relevant.

Not want to go full blown theology discussion but not sure God would hold any judgement against taking food in situation where not given food either. Just trying to explain to Chockles that is ok to go easy on self and that no need to hold onto guilt for things described.

 

[motel rooms]

Want to note that wasn't trying to evangelise to @Chockles

I know

Relate to Chockles feeling bad over things others may not see as relevant.

Not want to go full blown theology discussion but not sure God would hold any judgement against taking food in situation where not given food either. Just trying to explain to Chockles that is ok to go easy on self and that no need to hold onto guilt for things described.

I know. Like I said, I'm aware that some people are overly scrupulous & that it's a source of suffering for them.

 

[Chockles]

I'm female by the way.
But thank you everyone for your support
I've always been too hard on myself.
I hope to acquire the golden ticket out of here soon. It's making me additionally nervous in case things go wrong but I need to ctb staying at home overnight with parents sleeping next door. They have accepted my need to die even tho my severe no chance of recovery demise since lockdown devastates them.
I' just need to get over my own fear & have courage to see it through assuming N arrives safely I'll be out of here Asap thereafter x

 

[user_name_here]

In another episode of expose your personal info on a forum so your family and law enforcement can use it against you...

 

[Dot]

In another episode of expose your personal info on a forum so your family and law enforcement can use it against you...

Unlikely anyone be chased 20 yrs+ for shoplifting. All pretty ambiguous..

 

[user_name_here]

Unlikely anyone be chased 20 yrs+ for shoplifting. All pretty ambiguous..

Yeah what OP posted might be ambiguous.

There are other replies.

 

[Dot]

Yeah what OP posted might be ambiguous.

There are other replies.

Law enforcement likely only be involved if person linked to account had CTB at which point irrelevant. No murders or £2m fraud. Risk likely minimal.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I am sorry OP. I did not read your sins (I am very tired). We all are sinners. I hope you can forgive yourself because that is most important.

 

[Rational man]

There's no room for regrets because we make choices. Hindsight allows us flip the record.

Talking of sins, well ive dated woman and men so i suppose in the eyes of ' God ' im a sinner. but then I don't believe in authodox gods but the cosmic god where I will.rerurn.The only thing is once i started fxxxxking guys there was no no going back. I mean i never realised how compatible men are in the fxxxxing dept. Its like they know how to press all the buttons. So no regrets.

 

[user_name_here]

Law enforcement likely only be involved if person linked to account had CTB at which point irrelevant. No murders or £2m fraud. Risk likely minimal.

You obviously don't read everything on here.

There was a member who arranged to meet a partner from the partner section.. turned up only to be arrested by police.

Law enforcement definitely browse this forum.
And @Dot please stop stalking me man. I'm not famous.

 

[Dot]

You obviously don't read everything on here.

There was a member who arranged to meet a partner from the partner section.. turned up only to be arrested by police.

Law enforcement definitely browse this forum.
And @Dot please stop stalking me man. I'm not famous.

Heard about that.

Appreciate what saying, was countering that specific thread not have anything of note enough for law enforcement to concern with. Partner member arrested as was drawn out into 'real' world. Current thread just to undburden of some guilts. Unlikely to find anyone admitting to a train heist.

 

[Rational man]

It's more that my entire life feels like it's been a lot of lies & only realising too late the cause of so many of my issues. I'd started recovery a bit a couple years ago was starting to appreciate smaller things in life like nature, drawing, learning guitar then something physically severe happened in lockdown making it impossible for me to continue living much longer. My mind is remembering so much shit deeply buried since becoming bed ridden.
I have to ctb due to my physical torture but feel sad as was only just starting to appreciate life properly. I read too much into the afterlife, nothingness etc bed ridden trying to get through each agonising day. I know realistically my current situation is hell & no death sentence can be worse it's just most seem to welcome nothingness yet I feel I've missed out on so much beauty I'd like to think there's something pleasant on the other side where I meet my loved ones again & appreciate vibrant colours that I used to only get brief visual traces with high doses of lsd or 2cb. Never experienced what others describe from hallucigenics. I don't think I have any imagination. Therefore nothingness isn't too appealing to me either but definitely better than current status. It's just the fear of the unknown I guess. Always been a coward. I need to stop reading threads on failures taking N. Once it's in my possession illiky stop ranting on ss & start thinking properly about preparing to end things soon.

Thank you. I used to hope death would be eternal sleep nothingness but I'd hoped to experience more in life then by an older age. Having realised I've had adhd & autism issues I only 2 years ago began to appreciate the beauty of our planet more, nature, the arts, music etc. I don't see colours much don't think i have ever had much imagination. Even hallucigenjcs I never experienced what most describe. Therefore nothingness kind of scares me id prefer to think afterlife like near death experiences vibrant colours, peace love & meeting loved ones again tho I don't really believe in God. I'm agnostic. But I do know my existence on earth is now hell & only getting worse by the day. I guess once my N is safely in my possession maybe ill stop ranting on here & start working on how & when to ctb asap thereafter. I just have too much time on my hands bed ridden. Ss has been a great support but it also raises anxieties reading threads about failures even with N. I hope I can find the courage & peace soon & I hope you can too. I see your support posts a lot. I appreciate your kind words.

I. stopped thinking afterlife. I believe its a binary choice. Either there is something or theres nothing. Regardless, each and every one faces there expiry date eventually. This has helped me over come many fears of death.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

Confess to who? There's no God to confess to anymore,he gave up on Humanity centuries ago!

 

[user_name_here]

Was countering that specific thread not have anything of note enough for law enforcement to concern with.

Current thread just to undburden of some guilts. Unlikely to find anyone admitting to a train heist.

Yeah and I wouldn't want to help serious criminals by giving them privacy advice, but I wouldn't want people (who are already being watched) to then post stuff that can help identify them to family or law enforcement.

Police aren't only interested in top level criminals, they'll happily take a coke head or stoner or some other petty crime and use it to their advantage. Especially if you're a minority

 

[Chockles]

I. stopped thinking afterlife. I believe its a binary choice. Either there is something or theres nothing. Regardless, each and every one faces there expiry date eventually. This has helped me over come many fears of death.

Thanks I'm actually ready to die now. I've accepted that anything is better than my pain As none of my muscles or nerves work, I'm rattling 24/7. I just hope I can get the magic ticket ordered & through customs next week & I'll be out of here ASAP thereafter.

I am sorry OP. I did not read your sins (I am very tired). We all are sinners. I hope you can forgive yourself because that is most important.

Thank you. It's my physical that is severe. My mind just takes over now. I am ready to ctb. I just need to acquire the golden ticket asap & I no longer care about death it's got to be better than this torturous existence.

 

[Dot]

Thanks I'm actually ready to die now. I've accepted that anything is better than my pain As none of my muscles or nerves work, I'm rattling 24/7. I just hope I can get the magic ticket ordered & through customs next week & I'll be out of here ASAP thereafter.

Thank you. It's my physical that is severe. My mind just takes over now. I am ready to ctb. I just need to acquire the golden ticket asap & I no longer care about death it's got to be better than this torturous existence.

Not want to add extra stress but so aware - check comments / threads prior sending £££ as seller D not replying emails atm. Development in last few days.

 

[Chockles]

Yeah and I wouldn't want to help serious criminals by giving them privacy advice, but I wouldn't want people (who are already being watched) to then post stuff that can help identify them to family or law enforcement.

Police aren't only interested in top level criminals, they'll happily take a coke head or stoner or some other petty crime and use it to their advantage. Especially if you're a minority

Not in the UK. Police couldn't give a damn what I did 30 years ago. Doesn't make me a criminal. My worst guilt is my lying to family & friends for decades & the police don't care about that. As to my family I only have my elderly parents alive & all they care about now is how much I'm suffering & trying to support me in my need to die. I've already run away attempted suicide twice. Parents phoned cops who brought me home & told parents I'm 48 if I want to die they can't stop me. Let me go. The only family that scare me are would be potentially admitting my 'son's to Granby in an afterlife I'm pretty sure now when I ctb it'll either be nothingness or forgiveness.

Not want to add extra stress but so aware - check comments / threads prior sending £££ as seller D not replying emails atm. Development in last few days.

Ok thank you for warning. X

Law enforcement likely only be involved if person linked to account had CTB at which point irrelevant. No murders or £2m fraud. Risk likely minimal.

I'm very careful with online stuff. I intend to leave & shut down all accounts, wipe data. I'd do a goodbye thread when I acquire a suitable method.