Usually avoid sexuality as a topic on here. I am too conservative to talk with strangers about things like that. But currently this topic is in my mind. Sex as a status symbol. This gonna be a long one.
Summary: In my self-help group I found someone who is on a similar pain level as me. I assume he was raped by his dad as a child. He seems to be a good person but has problems with social interactions. I signaled him I might be interested to become his friend. In many instances I like him. Though there is one issue I think he considers sex as a status symbol. He asked me a couple of times whether I ever had a relationship. And he really insisted on it that I have to answer it. I had the feeling he felt superior to me because I never was in a relationship. I have doubts whether I still want to be his friend. I ghosted some former friends because they bragged with sex and money. I am pretty coldblooded in this instance. For me such a mindset is pretty toxic. I am ambivalent how to deal with him now.
In general it is an hypocrisy if women have a lot of sex many call them sluts. And gossip badly about them. If a man sleeps with many women he is the coolest guy on earth. Everyone envies him for that etc. Some men like Vladimir Putin even admire men who rape women. (quote & proof in the politics sub-forum).
I feel a little bit ashamed that I never was in a relationship but I certainly don't want to become an incel or act like sex was the most important thing, or worship it as if you are a savage when you sleep with a lot of women.
I have texted with several women and most of them had sexual traumatas. Many of them developed severe mental health conditions because they were sexually abused as children or raped by their first boyfriend.
Recently I met someone. At college I accidentally took part in a conversation. I told that story in this forum.
sanctioned-suicide.net
To sum it up: I had a long conversation with an extremely attractive woman and had the feeling she liked me. At first I suspected it was my paranoia. But it seems currently quite likely that she likes me. We started texting recently. I slept pretty badly yesterday (wide awake since 4 a.m.) and I am scared to become manic. But I hope it will get better if I take more medication. And I assume that the first time is the most overwhelming part (hopefully), She even told me that she was raped. I did not expect that she would tell me something like that. She must have had a lot of confidence in me. I replied that I have myself experiences with violence but not sexually. I am still pretty asthonished how fast all of that happened. All my friends recommend to take it slowly with the texing which I try to follow.
So my recipe for the small accomplishment (my brain will certainly fuck it up eventually - this will make me so suicidal). During my summer holidays I read David Foster Wallace The Pale King. Chapter 46 was an amazing chapter. There is a dialogue between the aroace (I hope that fits) Drinion and the extremely attractive Meredith Rand. DFW nailed it that beauty can be a curse. That all men look at you like meat. You are never more than that. The beauty is this one trait that overshines everything else. All other women hate and envy you. I internalized that message and it helped me in our conversation. I tried as good as possible not to flirt with her and especially not being sleazy. I think the most important was the following. She looks extremely good and I even anticipated that she was molested. And I was right. I think she noticed that I did not see her as this super hot woman but rather a normal human being that is treated pretty superficially. I considered it likely that she was molested.
I might get a mental breakdown if my sleep quality deteriorates further. But I hope I will be able to fix it. It is not that critical currently. Today was a very horrible day sleeping wise - but there is hope. For this chance with her I might begin again with the addictive pills more regularly.
It is just horrible that there are some people (mostly men) who think their fulfillment of sexuality was more important than the mental health of a differenthuman being. I mean by that rapists. This is disgusting and selfish to the peak. People are traumatized for the rest of their life and they just do it for some minutes of "fun" or "pleasure".
There was another bonecrushing text in DFW's Brief interviews with hideous men about immorality to its peak. It was about the holocaust, rape etc. It was hard to read. But it was a gaze into the human abyss. DFW is such a great author. His texts mean so much to me. However he also treated women badly. But one has to differentiate between the author and his private life in my opinion. The whole thing is probably way more intricate than that.
Summary: In my self-help group I found someone who is on a similar pain level as me. I assume he was raped by his dad as a child. He seems to be a good person but has problems with social interactions. I signaled him I might be interested to become his friend. In many instances I like him. Though there is one issue I think he considers sex as a status symbol. He asked me a couple of times whether I ever had a relationship. And he really insisted on it that I have to answer it. I had the feeling he felt superior to me because I never was in a relationship. I have doubts whether I still want to be his friend. I ghosted some former friends because they bragged with sex and money. I am pretty coldblooded in this instance. For me such a mindset is pretty toxic. I am ambivalent how to deal with him now.
In general it is an hypocrisy if women have a lot of sex many call them sluts. And gossip badly about them. If a man sleeps with many women he is the coolest guy on earth. Everyone envies him for that etc. Some men like Vladimir Putin even admire men who rape women. (quote & proof in the politics sub-forum).
I feel a little bit ashamed that I never was in a relationship but I certainly don't want to become an incel or act like sex was the most important thing, or worship it as if you are a savage when you sleep with a lot of women.
I have texted with several women and most of them had sexual traumatas. Many of them developed severe mental health conditions because they were sexually abused as children or raped by their first boyfriend.
Recently I met someone. At college I accidentally took part in a conversation. I told that story in this forum.
Had a long eye-to-eye conversation with an extremely attractive woman at college - it went way better than expected
I never considerd I was able of doing that. Yes we only talked. We held long eye contact. I was very socially awkward after my second psychosis and struggled severely to hold eye contact. I am not sure how good I was in that conversation but way way better than I expected it of myself. Though I...
sanctioned-suicide.net
To sum it up: I had a long conversation with an extremely attractive woman and had the feeling she liked me. At first I suspected it was my paranoia. But it seems currently quite likely that she likes me. We started texting recently. I slept pretty badly yesterday (wide awake since 4 a.m.) and I am scared to become manic. But I hope it will get better if I take more medication. And I assume that the first time is the most overwhelming part (hopefully), She even told me that she was raped. I did not expect that she would tell me something like that. She must have had a lot of confidence in me. I replied that I have myself experiences with violence but not sexually. I am still pretty asthonished how fast all of that happened. All my friends recommend to take it slowly with the texing which I try to follow.
So my recipe for the small accomplishment (my brain will certainly fuck it up eventually - this will make me so suicidal). During my summer holidays I read David Foster Wallace The Pale King. Chapter 46 was an amazing chapter. There is a dialogue between the aroace (I hope that fits) Drinion and the extremely attractive Meredith Rand. DFW nailed it that beauty can be a curse. That all men look at you like meat. You are never more than that. The beauty is this one trait that overshines everything else. All other women hate and envy you. I internalized that message and it helped me in our conversation. I tried as good as possible not to flirt with her and especially not being sleazy. I think the most important was the following. She looks extremely good and I even anticipated that she was molested. And I was right. I think she noticed that I did not see her as this super hot woman but rather a normal human being that is treated pretty superficially. I considered it likely that she was molested.
I might get a mental breakdown if my sleep quality deteriorates further. But I hope I will be able to fix it. It is not that critical currently. Today was a very horrible day sleeping wise - but there is hope. For this chance with her I might begin again with the addictive pills more regularly.
It is just horrible that there are some people (mostly men) who think their fulfillment of sexuality was more important than the mental health of a differenthuman being. I mean by that rapists. This is disgusting and selfish to the peak. People are traumatized for the rest of their life and they just do it for some minutes of "fun" or "pleasure".
There was another bonecrushing text in DFW's Brief interviews with hideous men about immorality to its peak. It was about the holocaust, rape etc. It was hard to read. But it was a gaze into the human abyss. DFW is such a great author. His texts mean so much to me. However he also treated women badly. But one has to differentiate between the author and his private life in my opinion. The whole thing is probably way more intricate than that.
Last edited:
