Comparing situations. How could they do it, but I can’t (yet)?

[Mr. Incapable]

I don't mean to minimise anyones reasons for CTB or thoses who are considering CTB as we all think and feel differently, and have our own levels of tolerance.. but I can't help comparing myself to the people who are the subject of one of the many daily news stories published online about another successful suicide.. especially when their reasons appear to be impulsive, momentary or less severe by comparison or by 'average'.

I'm well aware there's many people out there living worse lives and in worse conditions than me but I guess my point is when I read these news stories about people who have committed suicide for reasons like having an argument with a partner, failing an exam or even cases where no reason could be determined because to their friends and family they seemed to be 'normal', I just think 'wow.. that was enough to do it? They really saw no other alternative for their life in the moment and decided that death was their only and absolute option?'. Their determination was still that strong even after they had the initial thought, spent the time setting up or preparing and then actively act out their chosen method. I wonder if I'm just that numb to my own feelings and emotions that it's hard for me to feel that level of determination regardless of how much I want to die. Am I pathetic and weak or just a human who is scared and experiences SI like many others?

To give context:
I'm 32. Had depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation for almost 20 years. I'm not working and haven't been for the last 2.5 years, I have no life goals or career aspirations, no friends, I have no money (I don't receive any benefits or gov support) so I currently have to sell my belongings on eBay just so I'm able to pay my bills and afford to eat, recently been informed that I'm losing my home and going to face homelessness. I also don't do anything.. I wake up everyday regretting that I woke up and waiting for the day to end. Like I'm truly living a nonexistent life that I'm sure many 'normal' people would describe as a waste, a prison, a hell.. I'm so crippled by my own depression and anxiety that I'm never going to live a meaningful or colourful live. I'm not motivated by money, by love, by anything.. what am I meant to do? Continue living a pitiful life, alone, with no true desires or ambitions.. struggling through life financially, mentally and emotionally.. for what? To get old and die from age or disease.. that's not a life I want to experience but I know it's a life I'll end up living if I don't CTB soon. I've given myself so many chances since I was 20 to change my life, try something new, go in a new direction and see if I can find a reason to want to live but I never have. I kept trying and trying, and now I'm exhausted and soon I won't have anything, not even a home.. I feel like there's more than enough reasons for me to CTB but I haven't yet.. Why.. What's it going to take?..

I'm sorry if you've read this much.. what was meant to be a short and simple post turned into a vent.. I'm really running out of time

 

[Pluto]

As you say, it's hard to compare. I think true impulsive suicides must be pretty rare, given how often even people who are well-organised with methods fail. There is likely more to the story.

But having said that, I've had the same thought many times. Most completed suicides I hear about are people loved by the community and have quite a bit going for them compared to me. I wonder how may hours they'd have lasted in my shoes. It's an arrogant thought, perhaps ignorant too, but hey.

Perhaps the question answers itself. People who are loved by the community and CTB will be remembered and celebrated to some degree in the media. Many of us will simply perish without a whisper. How many trillions of creatures have lived and died and been forgotten on this planet? It's just nature.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

As you say, it's hard to compare. I think true impulsive suicides must be pretty rare, given how often even people who are well-organised with methods fail. There is likely more to the story.

But having said that, I've had the same thought many times. Most completed suicides I hear about are people loved by the community and have quite a bit going for them compared to me. I wonder how may hours they'd have lasted in my shoes. It's an arrogant thought, perhaps ignorant too, but hey.

Perhaps the question answers itself. People who are loved by the community and CTB will be remembered and celebrated to some degree in the media. Many of us will simply perish without a whisper. How many trillions of creatures have lived and died and been forgotten on this planet? It's just nature.

Absolutely, I completely agree with you there. I also think the people who were loved the most or had many experiences and accomplishments in their lives perhaps felt the fall and hardships stronger than those who have pretty much always existed at the bottom of the barrel because the higher you go, the greater the fall. When you're already rock bottom and always have been, it's all you really know.. of course, there's exceptions to that like everything.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that news stories do not often share everything, many people keep a lot of their suffering to themselves, so maybe a lot of those people in the news stories were dealing with more than what is covered in the story. It is impossible to know what went through their minds as we did not live their life.

To me suicide really is so difficult, there is the SI, the fear of failing the method and in my case the lack of peaceful way to exit. It makes suicide seem easier when you hear about all the people succeeding, but in reality it really is hard to leave this world. I do envy those who are gone. I just think that many people who left were desperate to escape from their lives and they found a way.

 

[Cosmic dust]

I think that news stories do not often share everything, many people keep a lot of their suffering to themselves, so maybe a lot of those people in the news stories were dealing with more than what is covered in the story. It is impossible to know what went through their minds as we did not live their life.

To me suicide really is so difficult, there is the SI, the fear of failing the method and in my case the lack of peaceful way to exit. It makes suicide seem easier when you hear about all the people succeeding, but in reality it really is hard to leave this world. I do envy those who are gone. I just think that many people who left were desperate to escape from their lives and they found a way.

I wanted to say that. Don't believe in the media.

A lot of people suffer in silence and besides, how much deep the media really goes when covering these stories?

The people who write these stuff don't really knows the victim. I don't really believe they are very accurate when they say someone is "beloved by his community" or when they say somone is a "friend", most likely they scrapped the history quickly, used some nice words, sugarcoated some stuff, made their sources look reliable, then moved in to something else.

I bet that if I died today someone would say I was loved by family and friends, yet, here I am rambling in every thread about loneliness.