Coming to terms with it being my time soon.

[WorthlessTrash]

(I am sure I come off as attention seeking, but idc. I use this place to write down my feelings because expressing them irl is too much apparently().

I have come to terms with the fact that I am getting more confident in it being my time. The only thing left is to push through that last bit of SI and guilt and get the willpower to decide on a method.

Some telling signs that it's getting close to my time is

- unwillingness to get "help", and not wanting it
- no motivation to partake in hobbies one once enjoyed
- no excitement or even feeling of content participating in hobbies
- feeling sick to my stomach when I leave the house or the thought of being around other people
- dreading waking up every day
- staying in bed for 3+ hours when I wake up
- Feeling of hopelessness and helplessness whenever I see my triggers

There's 7 good reasons to take that plunge to CTB, and next to no good reason to resist.

I missed my young life being happy and enjoying it. I don't want to grow old and die as a wage slave having suffered for 30+ years.

I see myself lasting until around the end of the year, at best. Though, even lasting after the summer is a stretch. I can't wait until my time has come. CTBing is the lesser of the 3 evils in terms of my choices for me.

 

[braindead911]

I hope you find peace and an end to your suffering with whatever you choose to do.

 

[Forever Sleep]

(I am sure I come off as attention seeking, but idc. I use this place to write down my feelings because expressing them irl is too much apparently().

I have come to terms with the fact that I am getting more confident in it being my time. The only thing left is to push through that last bit of SI and guilt and get the willpower to decide on a method.

Some telling signs that it's getting close to my time is

- unwillingness to get "help", and not wanting it
- no motivation to partake in hobbies one once enjoyed
- no excitement or even feeling of content participating in hobbies
- feeling sick to my stomach when I leave the house or the thought of being around other people
- dreading waking up every day
- staying in bed for 3+ hours when I wake up
- Feeling of hopelessness and helplessness whenever I see my triggers

There's 7 good reasons to take that plunge to CTB, and next to no good reason to resist.

I missed my young life being happy and enjoying it. I don't want to grow old and die as a wage slave having suffered for 30+ years.

I see myself lasting until around the end of the year, at best. Though, even lasting after the summer is a stretch. I can't wait until my time has come. CTBing is the lesser of the 3 evils in terms of my choices for me.

 

[Messgram]

I missed my young life being happy and enjoying it. I don't want to grow old and die as a wage slave having suffered for 30+ years.

This one hit me hard, because just the thought of myself being a wageslave my whole life makes me want to die so badly. I can't imagine anything more futile and miserable than wageslaving in such an insignificant life.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

This one hit me hard, because just the thought of myself being a wageslave my whole life makes me want to die so badly. I can't imagine anything more futile and miserable than wageslaving in such an insignificant life.

It'd be more tolerable if i actually had happiness in my life, but working likely in a job i don't like while losing a percentage of that income to the very same people that print the money in the first place and being forced to have to watch my triggers only to grow old and irrelevant and die anyways? No thank you.

Life can't offer me any incentive to stick around.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point. This life really is so cruel, unfair and depressing. I also see myself as having absolutely no reason to stay here, and the thought of growing old is absolutely horrifying to me. I hope that you find relief from your pain in whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[watchingthewheels]

It'd be more tolerable if i actually had happiness in my life, but working likely in a job i don't like while losing a percentage of that income to the very same people that print the money in the first place and being forced to have to watch my triggers only to grow old and irrelevant and die anyways? No thank you.

Life can't offer me any incentive to stick around.

I can relate to a "t"; this has been me for the past several months, right down to that last part: tired of sticking around for the sake of others, throwing "pearls before swine, without getting a pork chop in return", or because I'm "supposed to"; let them show me a reason to stay. But, based on past experiences, I'm not holding my breath for that (no pun intended).

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I have the same exact checklist

 

[locked*n*loaded]

CTBing is the lesser of the 3 evils in terms of my choices for me.

I am really, really, really, really, REALLY sorry to hear that you're moving closer to making that final decision. May I ask what the other two "evils" are that you have, thus far, decided against?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I am really, really, really, really, REALLY sorry to hear that you're moving closer to making that final decision. May I ask what the other two "evils" are that you have, thus far, decided against?

Transitioning and coping with being male. Either of these options may work for other people, but not for me. I don't want either of those lives.

I've been decided that I will CTB for a while now. Why be a work horse just to die of old age when i missed out on being happy while young?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Transitioning and coping with being male. Either of these options may work for other people, but not for me. I don't want either of those lives.

I've been decided that I will CTB for a while now. Why be a work horse just to die of old age when i missed out on being happy while young?

I hear you. Really. Maybe you could use your life experience to help others, like us, the young kids who desperately need someone who can understand what they're feeling, and get them on the right path early, so they don't end up where we are? I know it doesn't fix your situation, but, maybe, you could get some satisfaction, and I dare say happiness, by mentoring some young ones, who could really use an empathetic ear, so they don't waste so much of their lives in turmoil and end up in a too late place in their lives. I know that's not the same thing as your life and how you feel, but it would be giving back, and maybe you can derive something from that. Just a thought.

 

[lecyleclec]

I think you're a beautiful soul and I'm sure I'd miss you if I stuck around long enough to do so. Do what's best for you. Find your peace.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I hear you. Really. Maybe you could use your life experience to help others, like us, the young kids who desperately need someone who can understand what they're feeling, and get them on the right path early, so they don't end up where we are? I know it doesn't fix your situation, but, maybe, you could get some satisfaction, and I dare say happiness, by mentoring some young ones, who could really use an empathetic ear, so they don't waste so much of their lives in turmoil and end up in a too late place in their lives. I know that's not the same thing as your life and how you feel, but it would be giving back, and maybe you can derive something from that. Just a thought.

I appreciate you trying to entice me to stay around, but I am 100% firm on my decision to CTB and I cannot be swayed otherwise (unless some breakthrough technology comes around and allows me to replace this body with that of a cis-female's). I am not interested in helping others when life is just rubbing it in my face that I will never have the appearance and assigned sex at birth. I'd rather die than have to watch people have their young female privilege while I am left out. I would never give back to a world that rubs my triggers in my face. Screw that. I literally gain nothing from sticking around just to die of old age having not been able to enjoy youth and I literally gain nothing from sticking around for other people.

I think you're a beautiful soul and I'm sure I'd miss you if I stuck around long enough to do so. Do what's best for you. Find your peace.

I appreciate it. I am sorry we are both going through troubles right now <3

 

[locked*n*loaded]

but I am 100% firm on my decision to CTB and I cannot be swayed otherwise (unless some breakthrough technology comes around and allows me to replace this body with that of a cis-female's)

Unfortunately, that's probably never going to happen.

All I was saying is there could be many ways too find meaning in life. And I get the jealousy regarding the cis girls. I really do. But, they didn't have any choice, either, as to the gender they are. I'm not sure that helping kids with GD is giving back to the world. Maybe giving back to kids like us. But, I can't talk too much because I'm going in about a year, too. And I'm really not trying to entice you to stay around if you don't want to. Merely pointing out some possible reasons to stay around if you were so inclined. Just something else to think about. Why not? Our minds go a mile-a-minute, anyway. Might as well just add some more noise to it.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Unfortunately, that's probably never going to happen.

All I was saying is there could be many ways too find meaning in life. And I get the jealousy regarding the cis girls. I really do. But, they didn't have any choice, either, as to the gender they are. I'm not sure that helping kids with GD is giving back to the world. Maybe giving back to kids like us. But, I can't talk too much because I'm going in about a year, too. And I'm really not trying to entice you to stay around if you don't want to. Merely pointing out some possible reasons to stay around if you were so inclined. Just something else to think about. Why not? Our minds go a mile-a-minute, anyway. Might as well just add some more noise to it.

I don't want to find meaning in life. The only meaning there is in life is to work until we die and pay the government just to exist. Basically we're just paying for the privilege (or terror?) of being alive since as grow older we are expected to work and pay taxes from what we earn. We are essentially paying a subscription fee to being alive, and I am not keeping this subscription to living if I cannot have the appearance I want.

I am definitely not inclined to stay alive. I have made that abundantly clear in my posts on here and elsewhere. If I wanted to live, I wouldn't have bothered to register on this site. Also, I can't even function day to day or even enjoy my hobbies or bother to partake in them, let alone do things I don't want to do (mentor others with GD). On your point of cis-females not having a choice, like me, they do have a choice. But they either don't transition because of the same reasons I don't or because they accept or even love their assigned sex. Them not having a choice on what sex they are born as does not negate how I feel about my own situation.

I am very curious what the overall goal is of you trying to sway me to not CTB (as that seems to be what is happening here). There is no reason for me to stick around. Paying taxes and working just to grow old and die is not worth dealing with all these triggers and living as a sex I hate. If I wanted someone to try to sway me to stick around, I'd go back to therapy or cope with medication. I refuse to stick around any longer than my SI is forcing me to.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

On your point of cis-females not having a choice

I said they didn't have a choice as to what they were born as.

Them not having a choice on what sex they are born as does not negate how I feel about my own situation.

Of course not. I didn't mean to infer it did, if I did so.

Hey, if you want to go, then go. I'm not trying to change your mind. There's no "goal" in trying to sway you to stick around. Really? I don't feel that there is ANYTHING wrong with pointing out reasons, or motivations, for, potentially, sticking around, when one's own mind is in such a way as to only be thinking about reasons that they want to go, and they are incapable of even contemplating reasons that might be valid for having some kind of satisfactory existence after all, all because their mind is so clouded by the doom and gloom that they perceive is their life. I don't belittle your situation. I honestly can't. My situation is very, very close to yours. I think our situation and everything we have to deal with (in our minds) on an hourly and daily basis is absolutely horrendous, and no one should have to bear it. I do think there are MANY worse off than we are, though. I guess, for me, there are just many other reasons that I am planning to leave. It's not just about the GD for me, as bad as it is. And it is bad.

Well, we all pay taxes. How else could society work? Is there another way? Anarchy? No structure? Imagine all of the people who would end up on the street if the government didn't collect SS taxes when their time came to retire. No one likes to pay taxes. Who the hell likes to pay taxes? I pay taxes on my property taxes for things I don't even use. But, I know there are people who do use those things. I don't begrudge them for that. There are a lot of people that don't pay any taxes, at least on their incomes. You know, someone once told me that if you're paying taxes, it means you're earning money.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Hey, if you want to go, then go. I'm not trying to change your mind. There's no "goal" in trying to sway you to stick around. Really? I don't feel that there is ANYTHING wrong with pointing out reasons, or motivations, for, potentially, sticking around, when one's own mind is in such a way as to only be thinking about reasons that they want to go, and they are incapable of even contemplating reasons that might be valid for having some kind of satisfactory existence after all, all because their mind is so clouded by the doom and gloom that they perceive is their life. I don't belittle your situation. I honestly can't. My situation is very, very close to yours. I think our situation and everything we have to deal with (in our minds) on an hourly and daily basis is absolutely horrendous, and no one should have to bear it. I do think there are MANY worse off than we are, though. I guess, for me, there are just many other reasons that I am planning to leave. It's not just about the GD for me, as bad as it is. And it is bad.

I mean, I didn't even make this post because I hadn't made up my mind about CTB. I've always known since my dysphoria festered last May that I'd eventually CTB. It was a matter of "when", not "if. This post was just to announce that I've just about come to terms that my end is rapidly approaching. I don't desire to have an existence that consists of anything but being a cis-female. Trust me, my therapist tried to many gaslighting tactics to change my "perception" from telling me to transition, telling me to become a femboy, to telling me to go to school, etc. I am just not interested in being anything less than a cis-female, and if I cannot be one, I am not interested in living.

My mind is not clouded with doom. I know the truth, that being a male sucks for me and I don't want it. That's all I really need to justify my decision to CTB.

Well, we all pay taxes. How else could society work? Is there another way? Anarchy? No structure? Imagine all of the people who would end up on the street if the government didn't collect SS taxes when their time came to retire. No one likes to pay taxes. Who the hell likes to pay taxes? I pay taxes on my property taxes for things I don't even use. But, I know there are people who do use those things. I don't begrudge them for that. There are a lot of people that don't pay any taxes, at least on their incomes. You know, someone once told me that if you're paying taxes, it means you're earning money.

Not me. I don't plan on living so I'm not going to school or getting a job. If I was the correct sex, I'd be more than willing to make something out of myself, but that ship has sailed. There is nothing I can accomplish as a male, that I couldn't as a female. No benefit to being male for me whatsoever.

I said they didn't have a choice as to what they were born as.

Fair, but I am still unsure of what it has to do with my situation.

 

[rationaltake]

I mean, I didn't even make this post because I hadn't made up my mind about CTB. I've always known since my dysphoria festered last May that I'd eventually CTB. It was a matter of "when", not "if. This post was just to announce that I've just about come to terms that my end is rapidly approaching. I don't desire to have an existence that consists of anything but being a cis-female.

My mind is not clouded with doom. I know the truth, that being a male sucks for me and I don't want it. That's all I really need to justify my decision to CTB.

I've seen your posts and I get your position. I'll never accept the body I inhabit. And that's it. I have lots of other reasons to ctb but that's the main one I think.

It causes me agony every single day. I'm never unaware of it.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I've seen your posts and I get your position. I'll never accept the body I inhabit. And that's it. I have lots of other reasons to ctb but that's the main one I think.

It causes me agony every single day. I'm never unaware of it.

I get even more aware of it when i see attractive cis-females out and about, or even on social media. I don't care about my appearance so I develop bad eating habits lol

 

[rationaltake]

I get even more aware of it when i see attractive cis-females out and about, or even on social media. I don't care about my appearance so I develop bad eating habits lol

Snap. I'm aware of my situation when I see other people without my defects. I don't care about this body so I don't see the point of taking care of it.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Snap. I'm aware of my situation when I see other people without my defects. I don't care about this body so I don't see the point of taking care of it.

The jealousy hits hard.....

 

[rationaltake]

The jealousy hits hard.....

Yes. I don't blame anyone else but life is so unfair. To lots of us.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Yes. I don't blame anyone else but life is so unfair. To lots of us.

I wish i was ready to go tonight. There isn't a good reason to stick around.

 

[rationaltake]

I wish i was ready to go tonight. There isn't a good reason to stick around.

Me too. I am so annoyed that I'm still here. There is no fix that will get me to accept life on these terms.

 

[NobodyKnowsMe]

(I am sure I come off as attention seeking, but idc. I use this place to write down my feelings because expressing them irl is too much apparently().

I don't see you as attention seeking -- at least not in a negative way. I see you as wanting to express your pain and suffering in a place where people will actually listen without judging you. We all want someone, anyone, to hear our pain and acknowledge it. That's part of why this place is here and why we are here.

 

[Mocon33]

I get even more aware of it when i see attractive cis-females out and about, or even on social media. I don't care about my appearance so I develop bad eating habits lol

You sound like a real candidate for the full monty, top and bottom surgery plus hormones. I don't think it's right for most people but sometimes it is. Yes you would rather be a cis-female but perhaps this would be better than ctb. The young and attractive part is only a temporary condition anyway, all of us have to deal with that.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

You sound like a real candidate for the full monty, top and bottom surgery plus hormones. I don't think it's right for most people but sometimes it is. Yes you would rather be a cis-female but perhaps this would be better than ctb. The young and attractive part is only a temporary condition anyway, all of us have to deal with that.

If i get all of that, i will still be jealous of young and attractive women. By the time all of that is finished, i'll be borderline 40 and old. It defeats one of the purposes of being female for me. Plus there is no guarantee i'd 100% of the time pass to others, much less to myself.

Then there's the issue where i dont want to take hormone shots and dialate for the rest of my life. I'd honestly rather CTB than go through all of the above.

I don't see you as attention seeking -- at least not in a negative way. I see you as wanting to express your pain and suffering in a place where people will actually listen without judging you. We all want someone, anyone, to hear our pain and acknowledge it. That's part of why this place is here and why we are here.

Thank you. I just honestly feel like a broken record at this point. Like the answer for me to CTB and i haven't done so yet, and i feel very bad because of it.

 

[downndone2]

I'm sorry and hope you find peace in whatever you decide

 

[Mocon33]

If i get all of that, i will still be jealous of young and attractive women. By the time all of that is finished, i'll be borderline 40 and old. It defeats one of the purposes of being female for me. Plus there is no guarantee i'd 100% of the time pass to others, much less to myself.

Then there's the issue where i dont want to take hormone shots and dialate for the rest of my life. I'd honestly rather CTB than go through all of the above.

Thank you. I just honestly feel like a broken record at this point. Like the answer for me to CTB and i haven't done so yet, and i feel very bad because of it.

The 40 being old part makes me laugh (I'm 66 myself) but I of course respect your right to CTB if that is what you want.

 

[Lullaby]

Thank you. I just honestly feel like a broken record at this point. Like the answer for me to CTB and i haven't done so yet, and i feel very bad because of it.

Don't beat yourself up over it. It's is a huge decision and not easy, even when you're sure it's the way to go.

Just remember what and how you feel is still valid, even if you haven't done it yet. You could still be here a year from now saying the same thing and no one is going to judge you.