Coin flip(sorta)

[m3nhera]

I keep changing my mind so I've decided, when I get my first paycheck tomorrow, if it's over $100 I have to live.

I was never able to get a "real" job since recently, so I have zero clue how much taxes and such will take off from my pay, and I won't look it up.

People say if you can't decide something, to flip a coin(or do something similar), because while it's in the air, you'll already hope for a certain answer. And that's how you know.

But honestly, I'm not actually sure what I want the outcome to be. If it's under $100 suicide can go back on the table. I know money wise this sounds like it makes no sense. It's not really about the money.

If anyone wants an update or cares let me know lol. Payday is tomorrow!

 

[Redacted24]

Okay, I'm curious!
<presses subscribe>
See you tomorrow!

 

[hdead]

That's quite the interesting way to go about it. I'll be curious to find out what you made for your paycheck.

 

[webb&flow]

Which are you hoping it will land on? I think being truly neutral is quite difficult. Think on it deeply—which one do you find yourself wishing towards? Are you wishing for both in a way? If that is the case, what is the nature of your wishing towards both?

I think there genuinely is a part of you who would like to see that paycheck come out over $100. That part of yourself is worth listening to as well <3<3.

 

[m3nhera]

Which are you hoping it will land on? I think being truly neutral is quite difficult. Think on it deeply—which one do you find yourself wishing towards? Are you wishing for both in a way? If that is the case, what is the nature of your wishing towards both?

I think there genuinely is a part of you who would like to see that paycheck come out over $100. That part of yourself is worth listening to as well <3<3.

I just had a ROUGH argument-turned-conversation with my mom so I'm hoping it's under $100. But I like being paid obviously so I hope it's like $99 lol so that way suicide's still on the table and I got the most money I could in that situation. Then I have an excuse to kill myself in peace at the end of summer, if I really decide to do so.

That's quite the interesting way to go about it. I'll be curious to find out what you made for your paycheck.

I'm curious too but tonight was AWFUL so I am really hoping I get $99(or any other number that's close enough to $100 to be a decent amount of money but not enough to be above)

That's quite the interesting way to go about it. I'll be curious to find out what you made for your paycheck.

I'm curious too but tonight was AWFUL so I am really hoping I get $99.

Okay, I'm curious!
<presses subscribe>
See you tomorrow!

See you tomorrow too!!! Really glad people care, I just went through a lot. A part of me truly wishes to be dead, if that paycheck turns out to like $101 or something I'm just unlucky and set myself up. Maybe I should just look up what the taxes in my state would be but I don't want to know until tomorrow. Keeping it a surprise, or this whole thing is ruined.

 

[ToothFairy]

Helloooo pls update us on your situation tomorrow!!!!

 

[m3nhera]

Helloooo pls update us on your situation tomorrow!!!!

I will!!! People caring is somehow making me excited for tomorrow, like I have an obligation to get through the night and let everyone know. I hope it goes how I want

 

[Redacted24]

And you can always convert it to Japanese yen...

Or Vietnamese Dong, if you want to be a millionaire!

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

A permanent, irreversible decision regarding something you aren't sure about, brilliant!

 

[m3nhera]

A permanent, irreversible decision regarding something you aren't sure about, brilliant!

I'm sick of all my mood swings and constantly changing my mind okay . And I think I just want to do it this way and leave it up to chance so that it'll decide for me. Like I'll either HAVE to live, or I don't have to.

Doesn't necessarily mean I'll kill myself but I guess it means I'm "allowed" to. Technically I could just allow myself to do it anyway, but I feel like I need rules like this so things stop fucking with my head. Will post an update, long story short due to when I started(a Sunday)and the fact HR isn't there on the weekends or something, I'm actually getting paid next week instead. Unfortunately I'll have to wait until then to find out.
Not sure if everyone under the thread gets notifs if I don't reply individually, but I posted an UPDATE

For some reason it won't let me post a general reply and when I typed out that last part it replied to you

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I'm sick of all my mood swings and constantly changing my mind okay . And I think I just want to do it this way and leave it up to chance so that it'll decide for me. Like I'll either HAVE to live, or I don't have to.

Doesn't necessarily mean I'll kill myself but I guess it means I'm "allowed" to. Technically I could just allow myself to do it anyway, but I feel like I need rules like this so things stop fucking with my head. Will post an update, long story short due to when I started(a Sunday)and the fact HR isn't there on the weekends or something, I'm actually getting paid next week instead. Unfortunately I'll have to wait until then to find out.
Not sure if everyone under the thread gets notifs if I don't reply individually, but I posted an UPDATE

For some reason it won't let me post a general reply and when I typed out that last part it replied to you

No, we don't get notifications unless we click on the thing at the top of the thread that says "watch", so thank you, I read your update & I wish you the best with whatever you decide. But I do think the right meds, better coping skills & strategies, and maybe a little bit of luck would go a long way toward quieting those thoughts & taming the mood swings so that you'd feel more even keeled & at peace.

 

[m3nhera]

No, we don't get notifications unless we click on the thing at the top of the thread that says "watch", so thank you, I read your update & I wish you the best with whatever you decide. But I do think the right meds, better coping skills & strategies, and maybe a little bit of luck would go a long way toward quieting those thoughts & taming the mood swings so that you'd feel more even keeled & at peace.

I'm already on meds and I've tried a million coping strategies, and I can't tell a doctor about this for many reasons and also I don't want to risk suicide watch/going to the psych ward or anything if I admit the extent of my thoughts. This is why so many people lie. But back to what I was originally saying, I think life is just painful for me. Also, I agree with what you said but those words coming from someone who's on a suicide forum kind of makes me doubt it. See you might be right but clearly it hasn't worked well if you're here . Not to be taken in a mean way. We're all struggling and many people here have good advice but everything is easier said than done.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I'm already on meds and I've tried a million coping strategies, and I can't tell a doctor about this for many reasons and also I don't want to risk suicide watch/going to the psych ward or anything if I admit the extent of my thoughts. This is why so many people lie. But back to what I was originally saying, I think life is just painful for me. Also, I agree with what you said but those words coming from someone who's on a suicide forum kind of makes me doubt it. See you might be right but clearly it hasn't worked well if you're here . Not to be taken in a mean way. We're all struggling and many people here have good advice but everything is easier said than done.

I'm sorry to hear. But we are not suicidal for the same reasons. Those suggestions do not even apply in my situation… you think I'd suggest things that didn't work for me? That would be a pretty dumb thing to do, so don't be so quick to make assumptions. But yes, many things are easier said than done.

 

[m3nhera]

I'm sorry to hear. But we are not suicidal for the same reasons. Those suggestions do not even apply in my situation… you think I'd suggest things that didn't work for me? That would be a pretty dumb thing to do, so don't be so quick to make assumptions. But yes, many things are easier said than done.

I'm sorry if I came off the wrong way. You're right that we have different reasons, it doesn't mean things haven't helped you obviously. Just curious if you don't mind me asking, why are you suicidal?

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I'm sorry if I came off the wrong way. You're right that we have different reasons, it doesn't mean things haven't helped you obviously. Just curious if you don't mind me asking, why are you suicidal?

Still not what I meant. Advice is not one size fits all. I'm here because of something permanent.