Cognitive Decline with Depression

[dazed.daydreamer]

I've had pretty bad depression for over ten years now. I've felt cognitive impacts from it for a while, but recently it's felt more intense and concerning. My concentration is terrible, there have been many time when I want to knock out some coursework but am genuinely unable to focus or think coherently enough to get anything done. Focus used to be a normal issue for me, most people struggle with it somewhat, but now I find that more often than not, I have to write off the whole day for work because I am simply unable to do the task. I often rely on last-minute pressure to get things done in order to muster up the motivation and focus to do something. I've never had to do this beforehand, and it feels like an obligation rather than a choice, my brain unable to focus and think coherently without the pressure and limited time frame, even when I try to start earlier.
Even beyond academic work, I struggle to hold onto a train of thought. It might be related to dissociation; as soon as I start to think about myself, my life and future, I start feeling upset before quickly spacing out, defaulting to fantasies. I maladaptively daydream a lot, I can spend the majority of my day doing it. Those fantasies are rich, but when it comes to thinking back in reality, I'm stifled. I also struggle with speaking sometimes, sometimes flipping words around or just struggling to form words correctly, especially when I'm tired. This started after a bad ED relapse a few years ago, so it may be less relevant to the depression, though I do think it's gotten worse since then.
Has anyone else experienced this or have any advice? My academics used to be the one thing I kinda had going for me, and now I worry about being able to pursue grad school or a career I want, since I really struggle to work at all now and just feel stupider than I was when I was younger. It really upsets me and is pushing me closer to CTB, as my studies and career were my main motivation/sense of purpose. I want to go into the mental health field to help young people dealing with depression, thinking of how we can expand mental health care beyond individual, expensive methods and shift to more communal interventions, and change how we conceptualize mental health. Basically an academician (academic+clinician) in either clinical or school psychology. This all feels like a pipe dream now, with how crippling my depression has become and the severity of my brain fog/cognitive issues. And how the hell can work to fix a failing mental health care system when I would need that sort of care in order to function, let alone be ambitious and effective in such a career, in the first place? Meanwhile, I have no hopes (or even much desire for) a partner or family, and my social prospects more broadly are no good. So with dwindling career prospects, no hope for being able to develop sincere, fulfilling social relationships anytime soon, and losing my sense of intelligence and self to brain fog and dissociation and depression, what do I have to live for?

 

[apearl]

You sound a lot smarter then me but I have this too I think, I feel like the main two brain fuctions that have been impacted since my depression has been worsening is my attention span and memory. Both of these are enough that other people around me have started to take notice to it.

I also relate to you about college, I'm a psych major uni student but I find it hard to get the motivation to try and achieve anything besides an above 3.0 gpa. An issue I'm running into now that im medicated is that apparently a lot of anti-depressants also give you brain fog so it feels like there is no way to escape this. :(

I hope that you can find a way out of this, have a good day.

 

[dazed.daydreamer]

You sound a lot smarter then me but I have this too I think, I feel like the main two brain fuctions that have been impacted since my depression has been worsening is my attention span and memory. Both of these are enough that other people around me have started to take notice to it.

I also relate to you about college, I'm a psych major uni student but I find it hard to get the motivation to try and achieve anything besides an above 3.0 gpa. An issue I'm running into now that im medicated is that apparently a lot of anti-depressants also give you brain fog so it feels like there is no way to escape this. :(

I hope that you can find a way out of this, have a good day.

Thanks for the compliment, though I doubt I'm any smarter than you, I'm sure a lot of people on here/in similar situations belittle their own intelligence. Memory is also a big issue for me I forgot to mention, I forget so much about myself and even recent events, it's sometime embarrassing when people ask basic things I should easily know and I draw a blank.
I wish other people noticed for me honestly. Some of it is so obvious: the speaking issues, the forgetfulness, the constant daydreaming, the memory issues. I think people in my life just write a lot of my symptoms and complaints off because I go to a pretty good college, therefore I'm fine. To be fair, it really is on me for not being more open with friends and family about just how bad it is and directly seeking help. But I'm sure anyone on here understands the difficulty of that.
An above 3.0 GPA is a good goal, I wish you the best in that. I am sorry about the frustration with anti-depressants. It is such a sucky dilemma when you're seeking help for depression in part from brain fog and apathy, and yet the medications that can help can cause/worsen those specific symptoms. I went off my SSRIs awhile ago because I was paranoid they were making me worse, although I regret that decision. In your shoes, I'd talk through with your psychiatrist or someone else informed about your concerns about it, rather than impulsively quitting them like I did.
I hope you also find a way out of this mess and have a good day as well.