Help Closeted trans person offered a chance

[PixelAngel]

I don't much like bringing it up because of deep feelings of shame, but I am mtf transgender. I was born male and wish to be female. I really would appreciate support right now.

I was 28 when I finally let myself think about my lifelong feelings about my gender, as I could never get them to go away. I was going to attempt transition, but a life of shitty events continued as expected and it was to expensive and I was too scared. After a few years, I gave up trying to figure it out. I decided to not pursue it. I focused on other things.

Those other things were going well, until they weren't. My life fell apart once again and after two years of that (now current day) I was literally making notes on this browser tab for the different methods this month. I was on like page 100 of the nitrogen gas thread. I have labeled USB sticks on my desk addressed to my roommates with passwords and apologies. I didn't have a specific method picked yet but I know and have set up for the Night Night method a while ago just in case I was too depressed by that time to do something more complex.

I've been spiraling toward the Exit Sign for a few months now. I started smoking cigarettes again because unfortunately I like them. I stopped taking care of myself and I've been ignoring medical issues because who the fuck cares.

I reached out to an ex because I've just had nobody to talk to (not a terrible ex, just an ex). He's a trans man, now well past top surgery and doing pretty well by my estimation. And he offered me access to the medical supplies I'd need. For life.

I gave up. I stopped talking about it and felt immense shame for having told anyone I know that I wanted to, because I failed to so miserably. I know it's just an Avengers movie but the Hawkeye "Don't give me hope" scene? I've never related more to that feeling than right now. I was certain hope was beyond me. And the littlest flicker of it has turned me upside down. I don't want to hope anymore. It's just going to hurt again. It's not like I imagine I'll ever look or feel how I wish I did. Most people never do. But my god. Could I just have this one thing? Would that even help?

I didn't think I could even feel anything but self hatred and regret about it all anymore. Simulating it in my head I felt nothing but avoidance and regret and disappointment. I was fully prepared to ashamedly explain that no, I gave up on that, sorry, to anyone I had come out to if they ever asked. It was just a fact, like no I can't go jog anymore because I lost my leg. I can't transition because I lost the part of me that made me believe I could find any happiness through it.

I don't know what to do with this. I've been crying at random all day as I've rolled it around in my head.

I can't tell my friends that I'm frozen on whether to try or CTB. If I tell them, it rather forces my hand because then they will try to prevent me from CTB being possible.

I am caught between just wanting it all to be over, and a tiny part of me, which was ready to give up too, suddenly saying, "but it's right there."

My brain is too fried to talk beliefs and politics so I would deeply appreciate space from that. If you disagree with any of it, feel free to hate me if I come out the other side in a dress, look where we all are, none of this matters.

 

[.idiot]

What age are you now? Pretty important factor in deciding whether you should go through with a transition.

 

[PixelAngel]

What age are you now? Pretty important factor in deciding whether you should go through with a transition.

While I would say that I think age only matters if you the individual think it matters to you, I am one of those individuals to whom it matters. Part of my apprehension is that I feel like I'll never be happy about results, starting at age 37 which I will be in just a few days.

 

[.idiot]

While I would say that I think age only matters if you the individual think it matters to you, I am one of those individuals to whom it matters. Part of my apprehension is that I feel like I'll never be happy about results, starting at age 37 which I will be in just a few days.

37? Yeah, I am going to be honest with you- chances of a good result passing wise from transition at that age are pretty slim to none, unless you've aged really well. Your worries about never looking like how you want to are very much well founded, because it is extremely likely you won't. And that is gonna make you feel worse- not just from your own thoughts when looking in the mirror, but also from the stares you may get from other people in public- unless you manmode or whatever the term is. And even then, people might think you're a bit uncanny when they get up close and interact with you.

My advice? Compromise. Instead of trying to be feminine, it is more realistic at this point to go for being more androgynous instead. That could possibly curb the feelings of dysmorphia.

 

[baeblade]

I'm very sorry if I'm tone deaf, but if I were you, I'd take that offer in a heartbeat. What stops you from trying? The opportunity to CTB is always right there if you are still not happy. You don't know life without dysphoria. It very well may be just enough to get better.

 

[PixelAngel]

I'm very sorry if I'm tone deaf, but if I were you, I'd take that offer in a heartbeat. What stops you from trying? The opportunity to CTB is always right there if you are still not happy. You don't know life without dysphoria. It very well may be just enough to get better.

I mean it sounds nice to think "all other things equal" but really they aren't. I've kept trying all through my life to at least LOOK for hope even if I didn't feel it, and every single time it has burned me deeply to try, with new extra hurts I wouldn't have had if I'd successfully CTB'd the first time I tried. It CAN get worse, that's why I'm here, because life keeps teaching me that

Edit: also I don't think you were tone deaf and I appreciate the response

 

[orpheus_]

It is extremely hard to even take a given chance when you already settled there was nothing, and honestly your reaction makes sense. Like the fear of being disappointed by life once again maybe?
Hell sometimes it does seem easier to numb yourself than to expose yourself to disappointment. Still I would encourage you to take what life gives you - I know hope can feel scary. But you can just accept the offer and that's it. I don't know the exact context, but I know it's not as easy as "someone offered you a magic potion that instantly does all the transition" - but you know, once you take a chance you can always stop. If you reject a chance, it will probably be possible, but much harder to get it back.

I also wanted to give up transition (I'm ftm though) because I felt like there was no point and I was ashamed. As fuck. In the end I went through with things slowly and for around two years I was not "out" to anyone but myself. When I first came out to my parents I was so ashamed that I took it back, told them to forget it, let things stay as they are - and when I wanted to try again 3 years later, I feared that I already fucked up too much for them to take me seriously. Apparently it went fine. Also I started hrt almost 3 years after I first got a chance to (that is, 3 years after I moved to a city where there are doctors who can manage it). While medical transition did not make me euphoric, it removed some of the discomfort from my life and I'm glad I got myself to start in the end despite the shame.

I know that trans women and men face different issues and everything also heavily depends on one's general life situation, country, finances etc. So I don't want to put an equal sign between you and me but still just know that this kind of situation is not something I'm *completely* unfamilliar with.

For now you can give yourself a chance, if you know it's something right for you. Or "it would be right if you still had hope". He's not offering help to you without a reason, and maybe it can genuinely help.

 

[baeblade]

I mean it sounds nice to think "all other things equal" but really they aren't. I've kept trying all through my life to at least LOOK for hope even if I didn't feel it, and every single time it has burned me deeply to try, with new extra hurts I wouldn't have had if I'd successfully CTB'd the first time I tried. It CAN get worse, that's why I'm here, because life keeps teaching me that

Edit: also I don't think you were tone deaf and I appreciate the response

What I'm trying to say is, once you CTB, all of your emotions and pains will be simply gone. Getting hurt one more time shouldn't be so scary, as you know you have a way out. At least it helps me to think this way. Especially when you have someone willing to help you in your transition, so you know you won't be alone.
I hope everything goes right for you :)

 

[PixelAngel]

It is extremely hard to even take a given chance when you already settled there was nothing, and honestly your reaction makes sense. Like the fear of being disappointed by life once again maybe?
Hell sometimes it does seem easier to numb yourself than to expose yourself to disappointment. Still I would encourage you to take what life gives you - I know hope can feel scary. But you can just accept the offer and that's it. I don't know the exact context, but I know it's not as easy as "someone offered you a magic potion that instantly does all the transition" - but you know, once you take a chance you can always stop. If you reject a chance, it will probably be possible, but much harder to get it back.

I also wanted to give up transition (I'm ftm though) because I felt like there was no point and I was ashamed. As fuck. In the end I went through with things slowly and for around two years I was not "out" to anyone but myself. When I first came out to my parents I was so ashamed that I took it back, told them to forget it, let things stay as they are - and when I wanted to try again 3 years later, I feared that I already fucked up too much for them to take me seriously. Apparently it went fine. Also I started hrt almost 3 years after I first got a chance to (that is, 3 years after I moved to a city where there are doctors who can manage it). While medical transition did not make me euphoric, it removed some of the discomfort from my life and I'm glad I got myself to start in the end despite the shame.

I know that trans women and men face different issues and everything also heavily depends on one's general life situation, country, finances etc. So I don't want to put an equal sign between you and me but still just know that this kind of situation is not something I'm *completely* unfamilliar with.

For now you can give yourself a chance, if you know it's something right for you. Or "it would be right if you still had hope". He's not offering help to you without a reason, and maybe it can genuinely help.

Life has always used my hope to hurt me, in everything I've tried. The hurts stacked up so fast. I posted this thread and then went in my room and sobbed until I fell asleep. It hurts so much to even try to think it might be possible to transition. I'm so afraid it'll only lead to more pain, like everything has.

In my mind I see it like boy me standing at a table with a gun ready to just end it because I hate being me so much. And behind him is girl me, who I wish I was, and she's tired too. They were agreed to quit. And then somebody handed girl me a button that would cut the barrier in half. Not even fix everything, just lower the barrier, enough that it's possible for me to step over maybe. And she asks boy me if we want to try. It's the first thing she's asked for in a long time and even she is scared it isn't worth it. Pardon the dramatism. That's just the imagery my brain chose while I was crying and I don't yet have a better summary.

It hasn't been a good life. Given the option to live it over again, I wouldn't, it wasn't a life worth living. I mean I'm maybe a couple months from just doing it and I have a rainy day backup plan to do it more quickly. My affairs are in order for the most part, I've just been trying to do a few things I wanted to do before I go. And now it feels like every wound of the last few decades, every memory I had of my hope backfiring, has been ripped right back open. Even just thinking about it hurts so much part of me wishes he hadn't offered. I'm SO CLOSE to it just being over. How many new hurts is this going to earn me if I bother? Is life just going to reteach me the same lesson I thought I had already learned, that I wish I'd died last time I tried because the new hurts weren't worth it?

I'm so lost and even reading my own responses back I can tell I'm more erratic and confused than I think I am when I'm typing. Everything feels raw and my head is spinning. I've cried a biblical amount today. Pardon the lengthy ramble
It's not fair to tease me with a reason to live when I'm this close to being gone