houseofleaves
and this with thee remains.
- Jan 14, 2022
- 550
Dear friends,
if everything went right (and i still selfishly hope it didn't) — CloseFriendOfCamus is no longer with us. On the gloomy russian morning of yesterday he took SN; he was absolutely hellbent on doing this.
to mods: i still hope he could survive! please don't ban his account yet
He had three glasses prepared — 20 mg, 15 mg, 15 mg.
45 minutes before SN — 3 pills of meto. 30 minutes before — antacid. Time flew. Time fucking flew.
«Seventeen minutes [before SN]» — he said at some point… I asked if he's one hundred percent ready and willing to do this, i think. «I answered you already» — he said in a annoyed tone.
He drank first glass and felt slightly sick. Vomited. Second glass or 911, i asked. He chose second glass. Said it was salty. He wrote «Everything is fine…» — and then vomited second glass. He had a third one prepared, but i'm not sure he ever used it. And still, i'm pretty sure he died. He really wanted to. People have died after vomiting one glass, he drank two. I asked him to write me if he survives, so… i'm… i'm still waiting.
_______________________________
How much i would like this to be a cruel prank! but it's not. Only now i understand how much i loved him; hope he found peace. I told [him] i will love him whatever he does — if he chooses to die, too — and i do; and i always will.
if everything went right (and i still selfishly hope it didn't) — CloseFriendOfCamus is no longer with us. On the gloomy russian morning of yesterday he took SN; he was absolutely hellbent on doing this.
to mods: i still hope he could survive! please don't ban his account yet
He had three glasses prepared — 20 mg, 15 mg, 15 mg.
45 minutes before SN — 3 pills of meto. 30 minutes before — antacid. Time flew. Time fucking flew.
«Seventeen minutes [before SN]» — he said at some point… I asked if he's one hundred percent ready and willing to do this, i think. «I answered you already» — he said in a annoyed tone.
He drank first glass and felt slightly sick. Vomited. Second glass or 911, i asked. He chose second glass. Said it was salty. He wrote «Everything is fine…» — and then vomited second glass. He had a third one prepared, but i'm not sure he ever used it. And still, i'm pretty sure he died. He really wanted to. People have died after vomiting one glass, he drank two. I asked him to write me if he survives, so… i'm… i'm still waiting.
_______________________________
How much i would like this to be a cruel prank! but it's not. Only now i understand how much i loved him; hope he found peace. I told [him] i will love him whatever he does — if he chooses to die, too — and i do; and i always will.
For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams of the courageous friend of Camus; and the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes of the courageous friend of Camus; and so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side of my darling — my darling — my life and delight, in his sepulchre there by the sea — in his tomb by the sounding sea.
