restingplace
Aspiring corpse
- Mar 7, 2024
- 153
Hi again,
It's been a few months, I'm no longer homeless, still with my boyfriend and at a certain point felt the least suicidal I have in years. I'm back because despite things going well I always come back to my despise of living. I hate the prospect of living, even if it's my dream life, it feels so existential.
This is definitely going to go off topic here and there but bare with me. As much as it would be nice to succeed in life, I know I will never truly be happy, that's simply because I'm transgender, ftm. I wish it was as simple as just getting surgery but it isn't. Knowing I wasn't born a male and never got to live that authentic life will always haunt me, and on top of that all of the stigma around trans men in the UK, especially if you're goth or alternative in any way, which I unfortunately am. My whole family is pretty alternative so I grew up with that culture and knew I'd most likely keep to that culture, I'd definitely feel better about it if I was a cis man though.
I want to be taken seriously, I hate my biology and I won't ever be able to escape it. If I could have everything else in my life it still wouldn't matter because I wasn't born a boy. Another issue is that I'm bisexual (surprise surprise I know) and that's another thing I didn't choose, I feel such immense guilt and shame whenever I mention I have a boyfriend because well it's cliche and not seen as masculine. It's kind of made me unhappy in the relationship because I'm unfortunately trans. Hes really a great person but i know I can't be with him if I continue to carry this guilt.
Anyway, exam season soon, again. Trying to become an art therapist but what point is there if im still trying to not kill myself 5 years on. Clinical depression is genuinely fucking awful. I can force myself to wash up to twice a month now and wash my face more which is definitely a positive but thats only because i have responsibilities and no ongoing plan. Its genuinely debilitating, i constantly rethink everything in my life and can never feel at peace with it.
I'm still keeping my plan on waiting until I move to a new city further from here to actually begin to plan anything. I'll see how my life is there, change is going to be really hard and I don't know if I'll survive it.
I'm approaching some really pivotal moments in my life and just can't seem to scrape any effort in. I dont want to be stuck hating my life because I didn't try hard enough at the start.
Anyways that's all I have to talk about.
It's been a few months, I'm no longer homeless, still with my boyfriend and at a certain point felt the least suicidal I have in years. I'm back because despite things going well I always come back to my despise of living. I hate the prospect of living, even if it's my dream life, it feels so existential.
This is definitely going to go off topic here and there but bare with me. As much as it would be nice to succeed in life, I know I will never truly be happy, that's simply because I'm transgender, ftm. I wish it was as simple as just getting surgery but it isn't. Knowing I wasn't born a male and never got to live that authentic life will always haunt me, and on top of that all of the stigma around trans men in the UK, especially if you're goth or alternative in any way, which I unfortunately am. My whole family is pretty alternative so I grew up with that culture and knew I'd most likely keep to that culture, I'd definitely feel better about it if I was a cis man though.
I want to be taken seriously, I hate my biology and I won't ever be able to escape it. If I could have everything else in my life it still wouldn't matter because I wasn't born a boy. Another issue is that I'm bisexual (surprise surprise I know) and that's another thing I didn't choose, I feel such immense guilt and shame whenever I mention I have a boyfriend because well it's cliche and not seen as masculine. It's kind of made me unhappy in the relationship because I'm unfortunately trans. Hes really a great person but i know I can't be with him if I continue to carry this guilt.
Anyway, exam season soon, again. Trying to become an art therapist but what point is there if im still trying to not kill myself 5 years on. Clinical depression is genuinely fucking awful. I can force myself to wash up to twice a month now and wash my face more which is definitely a positive but thats only because i have responsibilities and no ongoing plan. Its genuinely debilitating, i constantly rethink everything in my life and can never feel at peace with it.
I'm still keeping my plan on waiting until I move to a new city further from here to actually begin to plan anything. I'll see how my life is there, change is going to be really hard and I don't know if I'll survive it.
I'm approaching some really pivotal moments in my life and just can't seem to scrape any effort in. I dont want to be stuck hating my life because I didn't try hard enough at the start.
Anyways that's all I have to talk about.
