chronic suicidality / exhaustion

[nearlynovember]

Just a post bc as I am aging which; the idea of aging came into reality unexpected sort-of-thing; I realize that I've been dealing with chronic suicidality for decades,,, and the plural on that is hitting in a weird way. I don't have any plans bc ?? I dunno I guess ,,, it would be harder and more inconvienent is what it currently seems compared to just ,,, suffering everyday like this. But ! Surprise ,,, suffering everyday like this is a tantilizing torture. :/ I dunno venting in some regard and I know this is the healing section and I feel I've started on a downer but it's weird (in a ? proud or more so: impressed by myself way) to keep beating the chronic suicidality; is the point of what I'm feeling ~today. Like God this IS fucking awful-- but ?? I keep living ?? Which yeah, kinda fucking sucks but !! Living comes with such silly perks. People & art and lovely things. Yeah theres,,, all the horrible trauma my body will never let go but !! Wow other things other others can be good. I'm happy for now I have been able to experience some of that ~ ~ ~

 

[timf]

The "silly perks" can often be rewarding. With experimentation some can even be fulfilling.

 

[stillunemployed]

People & art and lovely things.

Music is nice, i suppose. Wish I could be the kind of person who is allowed to be around "interesting people", whatever the fuck that means.

 

[nearlynovember]

Music is nice, i suppose. Wish I could be the kind of person who is allowed to be around "interesting people", whatever the fuck that means.

it means different to different folk i think ~ i find ppl who use art to cope interesting ; maybe bc i too use / make / feel w art to cope ; dont want to tell u how to feel ; have to ping you though and wonder where you got the word "allowed" from ; somewhere outside of you i assume ; somewhere undeserving ~