I'm new and I joined in part because this thread exists and I want a place where I can talk openly about my chronic illness (or w/e the hell it is) and suicidal ideation, my quest to get assisted suicide in my country and just how frustrated I am that I can't talk to anybody out this because obviously none of my friends want me to die, but it's left me so alone and also bitter and resentful. That's another reason I want to CTB, I don't like the person I've become, I just feel bitter, angry and resentful all the time and often at my friends and family for their responses.
The tl;dr is basically a year ago I went to a walk-in clinic doctor for urinary issues and even tho I tested negative for a UTI, he gave me ciprofloxacin anyway and told me to take it "just in case". And after that, I don't know what happened. I had bloating, constipation, seeming food intolerances, which is like... I guess normal on antibiotics b/c they mess with your gut bacteria, but then the feeling that I always had to go to the washroom (tenesmus) NEVER WENT AWAY. It's 24/7 and nobody knows why. I've had even more antibiotics prescribed because it could be SIBO, I've been on various diets that doctors told me to do, I've cut out milk, gluten, etc, I don't even know if it's my stomach at this point but I always feel discomfort and pain, I don't even know what normal feels like anymore. But the feeling of something stuck in my rectum, pain, having to always go, it never ends. It's embarassing and it's humiliating, and it keeps me from being able to do anything basically, I used to be a social happy person, I used to love going outside, I can't do that because walking around is just the worst. I can't enjoy video games, movies, doing anything wiht friends because that GD pain/feeling won't ever go away. I've had an endoscopy, sigmoidoscopy, colonoscopy, MRI, CT Scan, X-Ray, and various pelvic floor PTs. I FINALLY got a GI to listen to me (my country's free healthcare system is great in that it's free but sucks in that getting any expert takes forever and needs your doctor's referral) and he thinks it's a tight muscle that's causing it and prescribed me benzo and muscle relexant suppositories. I also am on benzos and psych meds because I thought about killing myself around Christmas and was sent to a psych ward, so that was fun. So far nothing has helped, I'm trying a different pelvic floor physio and the suppositories but it hasn't helped or changed. Maybe my bran is just hyperfixated on it after all this time and it's all in my head but I CAN'T TURN IT OFF.
I just feel like my life is over. I know it's "only been a year" but that's 365 days of never ending hell, where I can barely think or remember things much less do things because 90% of my brain energy is dealing with pain and a maddening sensation of having to defecate. My mom actually got desperate enough that she'd worried I would CTB on my own that she contacted right to die advocates and we got into contact with my government's assisted suicide people but because I was tired and I suck at talking and I tend to minimize how I feel when I panic, I did a horrible job on the phone explaining how much constant pain and suffering I'm in, so they said that I don't sound like I'm a priority (and I guess I'm too young even though I'm not young at all) and I'll have to convince my doctor to send them everything and all the psych stuff which will probably rule me out entirely because this last year has just convinced all my doctors and psychiatrists that I'm just crazy. They think the feeling is just "in my head" and I just need the right anti-depressant even though every anti-depressant I've tried (and I've tried them ALL at this point give me horrible side effects, don't work, and many make me VERY suicidal, as in, thoughts that will never leave my head). And I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of all of it. I'm sick of feeling trapped in my own body. If I had a pill I could take to end my life instantly, I would, but there seem to be no good or easy options outside of I guess jumping off a bridge which I considered a lot.
This forum actually convinced me NOT to try the overdose/alcohol route with my prescription meds (z drugs, quviviq, prazosin, + benadryl, etc) because I would probably vomit them all up and live. But I just hate it here. My life went from perfectly fine to a living hell every day, and it hurts more that I can't talk to anybody else about it. Whether I actually CTB or not, I just want to be able to talk openly about wanting to die, about methods, about just... everything about it. But my friends either just tell me how much they love me and that I'm valued and loved like they think the problem is I think the world would be better off without me and not like this STUPID THING THAT'S CAUSING ME PHYSICAL SUFFERING, or they tell me they think it's in my head, or they just get mad at me or passive aggressive ("I guess if nothing brings you joy and you truly can't enjoy even having friends who love you and watching anime with us, then I guess you really have nothing left").
I get why they react that way, even though I personally wouldn't. I'm oddly ambivalent about death, I've had a lot of people die in my life (my dad when I was a kid, my grandparents in front of me, aunts, friends have CTBed, and like... obviously I miss them (except my dad who was abusive and also never around) in that they're not here anymore and it's weird to think they'll never come back... but other than that... it's like... for me... death happens? I'm sad, but I'm not angry at them for leaving me, and I'm not angry at the ones who have CTBed. Like, it's their life, they had to live it, not me. I can say that their life is worth living or they can fight through the pain or whatever but I'm not THEM, and I don't have to wake up every day with their pain. If they're finally at peace, then I'm glad for them. And I HAVE had friends who've been suicidal and I talked to them about their suicidality without judgment, exploring their thoughts and methods, with them. They didn't actually end their lives, and apparently just having somebody to talk to that didn't judge them helped. So it also upsets me that when I want that nobody's here for me. And it just makes me... mad I guess... hurt... disappointed... even more lonely... feeling even more like I want to CTB. And I'm also just mad at all the HYPOCRISY I guess... all my leftist ACAB friends who wouldn't call a cop for a crime, are happy cops were called on me and I was put in a psych ward. All my friends who complain about legal assisted suicide being bad because it doesn't address that people who want suicide are legitimately suffering and need that suffering cured, are all acting like my suffering isn't real or legtimate, it's just something in my head. Or all the ones mad at me about politics "you can learn to live with a chronic illness, if you die it's eugenics and you're saying that disabled life isn't worth living", etc.
And my best friend telling me they're mad at me because "my best friend is trying to murder my best friend", and if you apply that logic to everything else, then I guess masturbation is "my best friend is raping my best friend". Like why can't I just stop being in pain every day? Why is that so much to ask for?
And it all just feels upside down to me. My country has decided that if you're suffering you can apply to die, but if you try to end your own life because of your suffering, then actually you're crazy and your suffering isn't real, it's just mental and you should be locked up to suffer more. And eff all this "all life matters" bs because look around us, ALL LIFE DOESN'T MATTER. There are people desperately struggling to live and we let them starve and die. But people who want an end to their pain, no we gotta do everything in our power to keep them alive to suffer, and make it harder and harder on them to access things that would make an end safer and peaceful. And I also find all the arguments I've encountered to be unconvincing, "if you die now you'll never know if you could get better!", well then sucks to be me I guess, I won't be around to find out if I get fixed in a year or suffer another 25 years, and it won't matter. And if you want to write on my epitaph I was too weak to tough it out until a solution is found then fine, I won't be around to care.
I wish I could end my suffering surrounded by friends and family and getting to say goodbye, but instead I'm probably going to do it cold and alone, and I guess that hurts me more than anything.
Sorry, now I'm crying. I haven't figured out a method yet (there don't seem to be that many promising ones, constriction methods seem to be popular) but it just hurts. On top of the neverending physical suffering, on top of the loss of my life, my job, my interests, going out, feeling good about myself and yes even feeling good about my appearance (sorry if that's vain), is just... I also feel so utterly humiliated over the last year, doctor's appointment after appointment, probe after probe into my most intimiate areas, doctor after doctor just tellng me it's "functional" (i.e. they can't find a cause) or "IBS, having cops surround me in a public area, being in a psych ward, having to beg doctors to refer me to another doctor, having to beg my own government to end my life in a humane way and being so bad at it that I even SCREWED THAT UP. Just... I wonder if I could even overcome all the mental trauma I've endured and all the harm I've apparently caused my friends even if this magically went away tomorrow... I mean I've already been abused by my dad as a kid and raped by my then best friend/crush later and was anorexic. I have so much trauma and baggage and anxiety already and this entire year has been another pile on top... I wish every day to not wakeup, to just end this nightmare.
I just needed to let it out. I hope I didn't break any rules.
Thank you if anybody took the time to read this.
Sorry! Must be a horrible feeling... The meds do anything positive?
