Venting chronic feelings of loneliness, emptiness and absolute disgust towards myself

[snafu]

i have such hatred towards myself and my appearance. the only crutch i really have to get through life and not feel disgusting about myself is makeup lol, aside from that i've totally mutilated myself and my body, from my shoulders down to my knees. which makes it pretty much impossible to lead a somewhat normal life because all people see is someone who isn't normal, someone whose unwell, someone who clearly is in need of help right? it genuinely ruins my day if someone takes a photo of me because i just hate myself that much i can't stand to be seen from anyone elses perspective but my own.
every-time i make friends i can't seem to keep them, it's like people only really want me for what i have to offer. i'm a floating friend i'm not someone who sticks around, they toss me aside when they're bored because what do i have to offer i guess? no one wants to hang out with me or cares about what i have to say or how i feel. it's always about everyone but me.
i see no future for myself and i have this overwhelming feeling of apathy towards everything in this world. 90% of the time i don't even feel real and if this is how everyone feels, how are we supposed to survive like this????

sometimes i wish i could start my life over from the very beginning and try to be as normal as i possibly can be but i know that isnt how it works.
in everything i do i will always be an outsider.
and i guess thats my fault, the things ive done to myself, the things ive done to others, it is all my fault and i'm sure its a huge contributing factor as to why i feel the way i do.
im not ready for it to be all over just yet, i guess secretly i'm hoping things will change for me but ive felt this way for years and the damage ive done is irreversible it makes suicide almost inevitable for me.
i just hate everyone so much, everyone acts like they care and they really really dont. i wish the sun would just fucking blow us all into smithereens already, this life is unbearable.

 

[Passenger4224]

This post is relatable to me. I'm sorry you're so dissatisfied with yourself, I can never get over how upsetting it is that we have to be stuck as people we strongly dislike

 

[snafu]

it seems so unfair too doesn't it? plenty of people out there get to be beautiful and have wonderful lives and actually feel like a normal human that deserves to live a good, long life and i get whatever this shit is lol.
the worst part about it is i lash out so much at the world. i've irreversibly damaged my life, my body, and my reputation.