Venting "chronic emptiness"

[animzuk]

the stupid fucking "chronic feelings of emptiness" diagnostic checklist bullshit does not do the bpd void feeling justice

it's a legitimately physically painful aching fucking hole in my chest that i cant even begin to address because it is an absence, something that is not there, something that is missing, and all i know is what it affects and hurts but never the cause, and the more i try to verbalize it the less sense it makes

it's like the fundamental thing that is supposed to make me "real" is missing and i'm just left here with the gaping bleeding empty space where it was ripped out of me, and it's always trying to suck me in and crumple me inward and pull the rest of me into it and that just jumbles me up more because there is nothing solid to hold onto and so i am just flailing uselessly and everything is too much, there is no buffer, because i think the buffer is part of that thing that is missing

i don't know what it feels like to exist in this world because it feels like there is no "me" that exists at all

it's genuinely unbearable. like the hole really is just bleeding all the time and sending me pain signals and overwhelming me to the point that i will do anything to distract myself from it or override it or try to shut it the fuck up, but it is incapable of ever shutting the fuck up, and trying to clamp my hands over it and hold in the blood only makes it burst through ten times stronger than before, and it is so so so fucking exhausting. i am so tired of it. i am so tired of feeling like a fucking freak because of this thing that i cant even accurately describe

i sound fucking insane ugh

 

[alreadyfound]

wow I feel exactly the same, a void that's burning me from the inside. The feeling of already being a corpse, an empty corpse that walk in life miserably. It's so painful, a pain that cannot be extinguished since she's coming from the nothingness.

The worst is the constant boredom. No matter what I do, I cannot fill the void. Porn, drug, violent sexual relationship, self-harm, everything fall so flat. No meds can help too since they work precisely by shutting your feelings down. I truly don't know what to do. nothing seems to helps