Idk why i am writing this maybe i just want to vent to people with the same mindset as me , i can't remember a time where i was happy in my life i always was depressed even tho i was very young i didn't have a good childhood either well i know there are people here who went through a lot of worse stuff but for me i would say i was physically abused(hit in all possible ways imagined ), emotionally abused(manipulated,guilt tripped, the black sheep of the family and so much more that i can't even say or describe ) , and neglected ( it was for one year but i was young and i would say i was completly on my own and my needs were neglected i can't say how either but i can tell you it was horrible )i had a traumatic childhood ,domestic violence was a big part of my life and i think it shaped me to who i am today a girl who's very insecure ,mature for her age and most importantly suicidal but now that the abuse "stopped" in my household and we are on "good streak" with them i feel like i shouldn't be bothered about past trauma that is over now or i'm just deciding to stay "the victim" and i feel guilty for feeling this way i love my family and i know they love me back but i was very mistreated i can't let it go no matter how hard i try but its in the back of my mind all the damn time since as long as i can remember i always felt lonely, struggled with friends and i feel alone i keep failing classes i feel like a failure school makes me want to die even more it sucks the life out of me when im there i can hear my negative thoughts out loud and i would be so self aware and i feel that i'm lower than everyone there and i keep fantasizing about my death 24/7 (nearly for 3 years now) i feel empty,lifeless,lonely the days keep repeating itself i still enjoy stuff but i feel like i will never be "alive" or happy i hate myself ,i have the lowest self esteem and i hate the way i look i crave attention because i don't feel seen or heard i also struggle with maladaptive daydreaming disorder that makes my thoughts a lot more complicated if thing keep being like this i don't see the point of living. whats worse than dying is to live a dying lonely life where you think it would have been better to be dead and this is my worst nightmare i simply can't imagine myself in a future where i would be happy , i can't ctb now(or in the future ig ) but it doesn't make me feel less suicidal ,tell me if someone relate to how i feel and finally idk if i can ask this here but do you have any advice? ( you dont have to thats not the point here in this site just felt like asking thats all) if you read all of this thank you for reading
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