Chose a date to CTB

[SaveOurLastGoodbye]

I think I know now when I'm going to finally catch my bus: February 14, 2024, on Valentine's Day. Considering how many times my heart has been broken it seems only fitting to end it on a day which is supposed to be dedicated to love and happiness, two of the things of which I've been deprived of for almost my whole life.

 

[breezeboy]

Did selecting a date give you any sort of relief?

For me I felt pretty peaceful for a couple days and then it wore off.
Now I'm just waiting for the date to arrive.

 

[SaveOurLastGoodbye]

Did selecting a date give you any sort of relief?

For me I felt pretty peaceful for a couple days and then it wore off.
Now I'm just waiting for the date to arrive.

Not really… still depressed and hopelessly miserable. The only thing I want is for the pain to end.

 

[onemorenight]

Did selecting a date give you any sort of relief?

For me I felt pretty peaceful for a couple days and then it wore off.
Now I'm just waiting for the date to arrive.

Me too. Setting a date just felt like a huge weight off my shoulders. I don't need to stress anymore. I don't need to worry about any responsibilities or obligations that are hounding me rn. I just have to make it to that date and everything will be okay.

Although, lately, I wish it was a bit closer. I'd like to go now tbh. I don't know if I can wait a few more months. I really want to. But idk. We'll see. I'm barely alive rn anyway lol. Just.. lightly existing. I'm just a barely breathing shell.

I avoid looking at myself in the mirror and I'm not usually the type to take selfies. But I took one a few days ago and.. I have never seen my eyes look so dead. I'm just completely checked out. I feel bad for forcing the people close to me to live with that for the next ~80 days. I just want to tell them, "dw, only a couple more months and i'll be out of your hair."

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find the freedom you search for, best of luck in your plans.

 

[breezeboy]

Me too. Setting a date just felt like a huge weight off my shoulders. I don't need to stress anymore. I don't need to worry about any responsibilities or obligations that are hounding me rn. I just have to make it to that date and everything will be okay.

Although, lately, I wish it was a bit closer. I'd like to go now tbh. I don't know if I can wait a few more months. I really want to. But idk. We'll see. I'm barely alive rn anyway lol. Just.. lightly existing. I'm just a barely breathing shell.

I avoid looking at myself in the mirror and I'm not usually the type to take selfies. But I took one a few days ago and.. I have never seen my eyes look so dead. I'm just completely checked out. I feel bad for forcing the people close to me to live with that for the next ~80 days. I just want to tell them, "dw, only a couple more months and i'll be out of your hair."

Yes exactly. People will try to talk to me about things they have going on for the future but I know all I have to do is survive till April. The future doesn't concern me anymore nor all the stupid problems associated with trying to have a "normal" life in our fucked up society.

And I feel that. I really wish I could just fast forward to then. I'm basically a walking corpse at this point. I need to make it to my date though because I have 2 things planned before ctb and those are the only things important to me at this point. Really only one thing because I could go without one.

It's crazy that you mention the mirrors and seeing your eyes look dead because I've noticed the same thing. It's made me wonder how no one else has noticed because one look in my eyes and it's obvious.

 

[onemorenight]

Yes exactly. People will try to talk to me about things they have going on for the future but I know all I have to do is survive till April. The future doesn't concern me anymore nor all the stupid problems associated with trying to have a "normal" life in our fucked up society.

And I feel that. I really wish I could just fast forward to then. I'm basically a walking corpse at this point. I need to make it to my date though because I have 2 things planned before ctb and those are the only things important to me at this point. Really only one thing because I could go without one.

It's crazy that you mention the mirrors and seeing your eyes look dead because I've noticed the same thing. It's made me wonder how no one else has noticed because one look in my eyes and it's obvious.

I just try to minimise contact with everyone so they don't see it

 

[SaveOurLastGoodbye]

Update:

As much as I am currently in severe emotional pain I have decided to delay the date that I CTB. I'm trying to hold out hope that things will turn around in my current situation, however I doubt it. Regardless, I will be postponing until a later date which I have not yet chosen.