Child loss

[mybabiesaregone]

I don't even know if I'm doing this right. I've lost 2 babies in 2 years. I've lost what I thought were families. My first son passed at 2 months old in February 2021. Oh divorce too. Yay. In my grief, I attempted suicide I should have succeeded but sadly I was found to soon and "saved". The same day my baby left. CPR saved me, but didn't save him. Bullshit. Fast forward a month and my next attempt the person that "helped" me raped me in my unconscious state. I had no idea, fast forward 5 months I realized I was pregnant with a miracle that saved my life. Sadly he passed a month ago from the same. Just didn't wake up. Being a mom was my world and I have nothing left. So destroyed and empty. I went to the psych ward for begging God to take me instead. I really really hate everything right now and probably can't come back from this. I see people wanting to leave for much less. I loved life. But life without my boys is an absolute hell. This is hell on earth. I have done the work I rebuilt everything just to have it ripped out of my arms again. I just beg for this to be over. It can't be real.

 

[summers]

@mybabiesaregone I'm not religious or an afterlife person, but I've never hoped more that somehow you will be reunited with your children when your time here is done.

 

[eliza23]

yeah i understand you, i got pregnant because of rape and the thing was it happened in the exact hospital that was supposedly trying to help me with my depression in the adult unit. I have no idea who the father is but i got pregnant was pregnant for a good 2 and a half months before i lost my baby this june 19th actually and it was my first baby and i wanted a baby sure but not like this with some man i didnt even know. but i loved my baby even though he wasnt born yet and i'm heart broken numb but also in pain all at once ya know it sucks truly it does and if im honest i was gonna end my life before i got pregnant i tried to end it and everything but then i got pregnant despite how my baby boy came to be i loved him and i choose to give life one more chance because i knew i had him by my side and then i lost him and i know that in a way i still have him by my side and he'll always be with me and im not even religious but still it hurts so badly that i had to lose my baby but friends family and even just people i go to church with are having babies or are pregnant and are doing just fine but i was that one woman who lost her first baby at 18. it sucks truly it does and i wanna die even more now because i lost him but i can't do it because i made a promise to not try to kill my self ever again after i found out i was pregnant with him and this is one promise i actually plan on trying to keep.

 

[FuneralCry]

I cannot even imagine how painful that must be. This existence really is so cruel and no one should ever have to endure such agony. I hope that you find freedom from your suffering.

 

[wielkiwrobel]

I am very sorry for what happened to you in life. I can ask you how old are you and from more or less where in the world are you from?

 

[mybabiesaregone]

I am very sorry for what happened to you in life. I can ask you how old are you and from more or less where in the world are you from?

I'm in my late 30s. US. The likelihood of being a mom again is dwindling, aside from the fact that I no longer have my partner who was supposed to stand by my side, plus I am so traumatized from finding my babies non responsive, failing CPR, the first responders and police, the way that people who claim to love you abandon you when you need them the most, all of it, that I'm just probably too far gone. I don't have any plans to do anything aside from pray that my time is soon, no matter how horrible it is, I feel that I deserve it. I will not tell anyone how badly I am doing because I cannot bear being in the psych ward again so I've shut everyone out. I failed my babies so I guess I'm being punished by being stuck here to be alive without them. Every single thing I look at, I see them and know they should be seeing it to and experiencing it to. Don't want to do anything that could possibly make me happy, because they don't get to do those things. Life just seems pretty cruel at this point. Basically, I've lost my whole family, not once but twice. Child loss is so completely unbearable, losing their future plus your own. I loved seeing the world through their eyes and it WAS my purpose to be here. Grief is cruel. Can't numb it, can't fake it, therapy doesn't help I've done ALL the therapies I've tried all the help. Where I live they haul you away just for begging God to let you trade places with your baby in the most traumatic time of your life. They make you feel like you are a horrible person. So I'm stuck here with my entire heart and soul ripped out of my chest, an empty shell of a human being, somehow still breathing. Made to feel even worse for wanting it to be over by people who are supposed to care. They know they can't possibly live with the pain I'm in, so it makes them feel better to lock me up or put me through more hell just to keep me "alive". Just venting.
I guess the shittiest part is I really loved life but I cannot bear to exist without my beautiful babies. So I just feel like that's it, my life is over. Nothing left to try for.

 

[wielkiwrobel]

I feel so sorry for you that I felt like crying even though I am a childless man. Nothing I write can console you, so I am sending a virtual heart for you

 

[mybabiesaregone]

@mybabiesaregone I'm not religious or an afterlife person, but I've never hoped more that somehow you will be reunited with your children when your time here is done.

I hope so too. It's all I've got to cling to.

I feel so sorry for you that I felt like crying even though I am a childless man. Nothing I write can console you, so I am sending a virtual heart for you

Thank you. I just hope to find my way to where they are and hold them forever. Most of my "support system" would say that I'll never get to see them again if I do anything to myself. Whether I would or not, I don't believe that, I believe that the powers that be would see my heart and understand my pain.