Venting Chickened out AGAIN last night and now I'm trapped for the week

[DyingToDie123]

I went to my bridge at like 3:30am this morning. Way too much traffic. I tried an idea I got from a support group which was to practice at a lower non-lethal jumping height (and luckily this bridge is over a valley so that was very doable on the same bridge) but I still couldnt get the guts to go fully over the barrier even though it was only like 10 ft off the ground.

I feel so fucking stupid trying this over and over again. I HATE the bridge jumping thing. I hate having to pretend to just be walking around when traffic comes. I hate when I hear sirens every 5 minutes and I'm convinced they're coming for me. I hate that when it's finally silent I feel a simultaneous pressure to jump right then and there and a fear that another car is going to come around the corner and see me. It's so much less appealing than it sounds, and I have no clue how the people before me managed.

My dad comes in town in a few hours and I am dreading it. I can't lay in bed and rot without him criticizing me for it but I'm still burnt out from overworking from the last time he was here a month ago. I can't go to support groups or talk to friends in private. I just have to pretend everything's ok and I don't have it in me to do that. But I can't escape because I'll be under his constant watch, which is probably the point even though he claims he's coming for work.

I do have a rope for (partial) hanging but I dont have it in me to try that again because I cant even come close with that method. But it's my only hope if I want to escape before he arrives.

 

[Nikitatos]

Bridges are very, very difficult. I think there's a fear of heights built into human beings. Hope things get better for you.

 

[Brownieee_24]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time with this. I went to the garage where I plan on jumping, looked downed below and got scared. I never thought about the people around me, being that the garage is more empty during the week. If someone may happen to see me I'd be more inclined to jump in fear of them trying to stop me.

 

[UKscotty]

What kind of support group would tell you to practice jumping from low heights? Sounds like that group needs shutting down.

Even small distances can be lethal if you hit your head.

 

[DyingToDie123]

What kind of support group would tell you to practice jumping from low heights? Sounds like that group needs shutting down.

Even small distances can be lethal if you hit your head.

Fair question, they didn't tell me to do it but someone in the group told me they practiced from shorter heights with their attempt and I was like "oooh, good idea"