I'm just mad now. I really want to die.
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Don't be hard on yourself. Your not the only person who couldn't over one the SI, many of us our the same. The time will come when you will be able too.
Here if you want to chat.
Here if you want to chat.
You haven't disappointed anyone! I refused to feel embarrassed or ashamed after I told people on here I would definitely be doing it and then didn't. The combination of desperation and survival instinct is a hellish one. x
LossOfMe
"Petal by petal, I've witnessed a withered Spring"
- Sep 14, 2022
- 54
There's need to feel embarrassed or ashamed! Out of everyone in this plan, you're the one who knows your own feelings and limits the best.
You did the best you could. Overcoming SI is terribly hard, many of us have gone through it too.
Rest for now. You'll always have us and this place to come back to.
Sending you many hugs.
You did the best you could. Overcoming SI is terribly hard, many of us have gone through it too.
Rest for now. You'll always have us and this place to come back to.
Sending you many hugs.
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You don't need to be sorry or feel embarrassed. We all know what a scary thing it is to go ahead and do. I feel like that's partly why we're all here- to support each other as best we can with likely the most difficult decision (to implement) in our lives. Don't be cruel to yourself. Just accept that this wasn't the right moment. Sending hugs. 
jodes2
Hello people ❤️
- Aug 28, 2022
- 7,736
Welcome back, sorry it didn't work out *hugs*
brokensea
Arcanist
- Aug 4, 2022
- 405
You're not disappointing anyone. We are here to support you no matter what you decide.
Many of us have gone through the same thing many times. Just give yourself a break. It's ok.
Your dog and husband have a little more time with you. You have another day to eat a burger at your favorite place. You can try again another time if you wish, you didn't fail anything. We are fighting millions of years of evolution and survival instinct. Your body can literally take over and control you and tear off exit bags and prevent you from taking poison. Fill you with fear and doubts that are overwhelming. Maybe you can change direction and re-evaluate get more support if you're having second thoughts or maybe you just need more time or practice to overcome SI.
But please don't ever feel like a failure for something like that. You don't need to add any more pain to what you're going through.
I think anybody who even plans it is incredibly brave and strong, so to not go through with it is nothing to be sorry or ashamed of. I'm pretty sure I couldn't do it so I wish you strength to carry on with your life if you wish to, or to try again and pray for the strength to overcome the SI.
Much love xxx
Much love xxx
As selfish that this might sound, I think I'm going to make my next attempt at home. I always have 8 hours of time alone on Thursdays and Fridays where I can ctb in the basement bathroom. My husband is going to be the one to find me which breaks my heart but he knows how suicidal I am. I was really nervous in the hotel room which was part of the problem. Unless I can find a ctb partner then I can do it somewhere else.
Good luck, you are not weak for not overcoming it. If it was easy then so many people would had already died by suicide. You can do it and good luck! May you find your peace.
Hollowillow
The only place that allows negative feelings.
- Aug 7, 2022
- 1,515
I think being in an unknown place increased anxiety, the adrenalin rush that gives SI superpowers.
I'm sorry that you're dissapointed, but I'm glad to see you. I hope you'll be in peace soon.
What would make life more bearable until then?
You are not disappointing anyone. We just want best for you.
Zhendou
Alive
- Sep 17, 2022
- 107
You are not disappointing anyone like everyone is saying. It's not your fault that you couldn't overcome it. Hope you find your peace.
If I could get my mood swings under control and regain my energy and motivation I would try and live longer
May I ask what's your illness? You don't have to answer if you feel uncomfortable.
Severe depression and anxiety. I've tried many medications, I tried TMS treatments. I was in a mental facility last year for a week which was a waste. I'm tired of doctors because I feel like they don't care. I'm far from lazy but I can't get motivated to do anything. I only go to work because we need money to live.
Your life has worth. You have worth. I am not disappointed. There is no judgement. We are here for you. Embrace your husband.
Thank you all for the support. It's going to happen still, just have to either find a ctb partner or I'll do it in my house like I said.
miserableforever
Arcanist
- Oct 23, 2020
- 488
I told him I was going on a business trip for work before I left. I just wasn't planning on coming home ever again, the police would call him to notify him that I died.
I have depression which caused by PTSD. Medication usually works better for the depression caused by just brain does not function.
I have been to mental illness hospital before, sadly it's not useful for majority people.TMS seems work better for bipolar disorder.
Did you ever try groups something like that?
I haven't tried groups with the exception of the mental facility. I'm reluctant to try and therapy group or one on one since therapy never worked for me. I'm pretty much not fixable
notlongnow
Student
- Aug 16, 2022
- 138
Therapy is not working for everyone unfortunately, it's not working for me too. I feel I am not fixable too.
May I ask what's the reason caused you have depression? Because it sounds like you can function in some point and your mood swing is affecting you so much.
this is my fear. being too nervous to do it while away from home (my safe space) but I don't want to be found here. You aren't weak, SI is strong
ojinzo
Specialist
- Feb 21, 2022
- 304
Please don't ever apologize for your decisions. If you weren't ready, you were not. Please don't ever feel pressured by anyone to ctb. We are here to support each other's decisions. I might find myself in the same situation when I check in in a few weeks. I hope I can do it though. Sending you peace
I don't have anything specific that caused it. I've had it for years and I have had suicidal thoughts for years but now it's to much
I've decided I'm just going to do it at home. It's my best shot at succeeding unless I can find a ctb partner
I am sorry to hear that. I hope you can get what you want, one way or another.
You have worth. Your life has worth. No judgement. We are here for you.
Mofreeko
Arcanist
- Apr 7, 2019
- 478
Don't beat yourself up. Actually catching the bus is one of the hardest things a human being can do, no matter the method.
