I kinda wish I was asexual, if thats even a thing in men with normal endocrine systems and reproductive health. From what I've seen so far, it tends to be more of a women thing than for men, and that partly might be due to anatomical differences. Idk that much about the female reproductive system - but as a guy, I think we kinda need(?) to 'flush out' semen from time to time. Thats different from the menstrual cycle in this context, because periods happen on their own, and doesnt require direct sexual stimulation. I say "need(?)" because theres correlational studies about ejaculation and prostate cancer, possibly implying a physical need for flushing. But regardless of that scientific validity (and prostate cancer can kill me if I'm not gonna do it myself), the body's need for it is still evidenced by strong, innate mental desires of it. I'm not entrenched in the nofap community, but I think guys in general go a bit nuts without ejaculations after some time. Also, extreme sexual repression (as shown in religion) could 'bust the dam' and backfire towards degeneracy. So theres a few lifestyle options. One is to be more of a hookup kind of guy that has meaningless, loveless sex. That only seems practical if 1) youre stupidly attractive (for guys at least), 2) you have an outgoing lifestyle and personality, and 3) money (if not stupidly good looking). But not only do I think that it leads to emptiness (or uncontrollable attachment) and possibly interpersonal (and even legal) drama, some part of me just finds a deep, philosophical 'ick' to it (if I did it too much, which isn't much to me). So another option would to be a normal fuckin person, and have meaningful relationships (which usually involves sex cuz oxytocin and pair-bonding and yadda yadda all that stuff).
But the rest of me doesn't seem that human, thus not compatible with sex in a human sense. I'm not autistic, but i think i'm a bit of a weirdo in the ways I think and try to interact. For example, I don't remember ever truly 'loving' someone, except for maybe birds (I did grow up with one). I guess I had relatively normal childhood circumstances, but idk if the way I mentally approached and perceived them were normal. Whatever the case, the results that manifested to this current day still kinda feels new at this point in my life. As of now, I actively try to avoid emotionally investing into others, like on a grand scale. It's part of my generally perfectionist, apprehensive, and overthinking nature that pervades more than just the subject of my long-ass essay here. I struggle to deal with non-100% situations in general, and probably quite a bit more than the average person. For interpersonal relations, it might partly be a self-perpetuating cycle. I go to school, participate in recreational sports a couple times per week, and might seem 'normal enough' on a surface level IRL...but I've yet to try and deeply learn about someone because of all the complications that I perceive. So whatever views of people I have tend to come from what I THINK people could be like, and the internet (its at a metaphorically safe distance, and you could learn deeper details about people, thus closer to learning what people are truly like deep down). That might further fuel social withdrawal, and repeat. Of course, these methods have lots of flaws, and at the very least I would want to balance it out with more IRL interactions. I'm relatively young so maybe SOME of whatever I said here will change, but only in the sense that I learn to understand, respect, and empathize with people better in general (as well as untangling what is still a really messy mind of mine). On the other hand, who knows if I can ever learn to TRULY love people that come into my social circle (I've had some rare indications/exceptions)...and that fuels the confusion and dilemmas that I have regarding the subject of sex. Maybe this puts me under the "aromantic" umbrella, or whatever other in-between umbrellas of the aroace spectrum and community. But part of it really is confusion (not the gay kind of confusion haha), so I might find out as I go I guess...
Anyways, it would be silly to gloss over another option - which is to live a reasonably healthy life, just wank off like most dudes do, and to just be voluntarily celibate to fit with my not-so-personable self. But what do I jack off to? I dont want it to be about girls or sexual material (like it is right now), because I think that itll keep me tethered towards desiring them, and that could spill over and cause issues IRL. And unfortunately we live in an age with it's own unique problems, like porn. Unlike drugs, it seems hard to quit cold turkey and truly detach from sexual hormones, urges, and sensations (because of what I said at the start). So that weakens walls of self-control, and things can spiral out of control in the context of porn usage (addictions like this tend to 'progress' in a bad way). It doesn't help that my life is not well-oiled machine of healthy outlets, so even though I have a hobby or two, they aren't enough to keep me from resorting to jacking off to relieve mental fatigue, stress, and whatever other negative states (especially with the help of explicit material). I guess I should try learning more about self-identified asexual men, and how they handle things. And I sure as hell need to get my own shit together enough to figure it out for myself too. I've never tried consistently jacking off to...nothing. Maybe my failure to do so are also fueled by the uncertainty of whether that's even possible...
. Idk how you comment so much every day.
