Can't wait much longer

[Oh so tired]

I'm really struggling. I've been feeling intensely suicidal for a while. I have severe depression and an eating disorder. I've been trying so hard to access help in the hope that I might be able to turn things around (I have children- please no judgement, I already hate myself enough already), but I'm just not getting better and the lockdown seems to be making things much worse. I had thought I might ctb after the worst of the pandemic has past and I have been looking at the SN method but now I just feel I can't hang on any longer and all I have to hand is a hefty stash of prescription meds. Do I attempt to overdose on these or wait until I can plan it properly?

 

[AcornUnderground]

I am so, so sorry. I have children, too and I completely understand that very special, horrific pain. DO NOT try to overdose on prescription meds. It likely won't work and will be very painful.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It would depend on the meds, but ODs generally end up in hospitalization. Research what you've stockpiled, how the meds interact, and what amounts are fatal. There's a drug interaction tool at the bottom of the resources compilation.

I think the question may be whether you really want to ctb, or whether you really want to attempt. If you want to ctb, I would think it would be wiser to wait.

 

[Oh so tired]

I am so, so sorry. I have children, too and I completely understand that very special, horrific pain. DO NOT try to overdose on prescription meds. It likely won't work and will be very painful.

Thank you so much for your reply and I'm sorry you are struggling too. It is so hard isn't it? For me the guilt is huge, and that guilt feeds into the awful self-loathing, which fuels the suicidal feelings, it's a no win situation! I so wish things could be different and I have tried...

 

[AcornUnderground]

Thank you so much for your reply and I'm sorry you are struggling too. It is so hard isn't it? For me the guilt is huge, and that guilt feeds into the awful self-loathing, which fuels the suicidal feelings, it's a no win situation! I so wish things could be different and I have tried...

I am really physically ill but not terminal, but I still feel very guilty because I believe my illness is related to my careless behavior (drinking, marrying an asshole that caused a ton of stress - having children with said asshole, working too hard, acting invincible). I would give anything for it to be different. My children are under 10 and the light of everything to me. I'm so sick and in so much daily pain (I know you are too), I just can't stay. It's a hell I didn't know existed. It's been a year long grieving of the fact I won't see these kids grow up, I'll miss so many moments - decades, really - but there is no end to the grief of leaving THEM - horrified, traumatized, motherless, scared, isolated and very very alone. No one else has a dead mother. No one else has a mom kill herself. Still - people judge as if staying is an OPTION. I want that option. It is not one. I don't know how to leave them. I don't know how to leave at all.

 

[Oh so tired]

I am really physically ill but not terminal, but I still feel very guilty because I believe my illness is related to my careless behavior (drinking, marrying an asshole that caused a ton of stress - having children with said asshole, working too hard, acting invincible). I would give anything for it to be different. My children are under 10 and the light of everything to me. I'm so sick and in so much daily pain (I know you are too), I just can't stay. It's a hell I didn't know existed. It's been a year long grieving of the fact I won't see these kids grow up, I'll miss so many moments - decades, really - but there is no end to the grief of leaving THEM - horrified, traumatized, motherless, scared, isolated and very very alone. No one else has a dead mother. No one else has a mom kill herself. Still - people judge as if staying is an OPTION. I want that option. It is not one. I don't know how to leave them. I don't know how to leave at all.

I'm so sorry, your life sounds so hard, all I can do is send virtual hugs and please know you are not alone in feeling this way. No one can judge as they are not in your shoes. My children are young too, I love them dearly, they're my world, and yet when overwhelmed with suicidal urges I find it hard to connect with reality and it's almost as though I forget I'm a mum. I was sectioned a while ago on a psych ward and in some ways I want that again, to feel safe from what I might do, but another (stronger) part of me sees no way out other than suicide

 

[AcornUnderground]

I had an eating disorder in my 20's. I was so happy that it "dissapeared", but really it didn't. I just funneled that anxiety into drinking and a strange nervous habit of picking at my gums. I had a major depressive episode in my 20's once, and I'm super depressed now due to my physical situation. I'm sorry you have depression and I know how hard an eating disorder can be. I was a mess with it for a few years. As I said, it snap "went away" which was bizarre and life saving at the time.

I had an eating disorder in my 20's. I was so happy that it "dissapeared", but really it didn't. I just funneled that anxiety into drinking and a strange nervous habit of picking at my gums. I had a major depressive episode in my 20's once, and I'm super depressed now due to my physical situation. I'm sorry you have depression and I know how hard an eating disorder can be. I was a mess with it for a few years. As I said, it snap "went away" which was bizarre and life saving at the time.

I'm so sorry, your life sounds so hard, all I can do is send virtual hugs and please know you are not alone in feeling this way. No one can judge as they are not in your shoes. My children are young too, I love them dearly, they're my world, and yet when overwhelmed with suicidal urges I find it hard to connect with reality and it's almost as though I forget I'm a mum. I was sectioned a while ago on a psych ward and in some ways I want that again, to feel safe from what I might do, but another (stronger) part of me sees no way out other than suicide

Did the psych ward help you? Perhaps trying it again would be useful...

 

[Oh so tired]

Did the psych ward help you? Perhaps trying it again would be useful...
[/QUOTE]

It helped at the time, and at least I felt safe- from the self-harming, suicide attempts etc, but things quickly slipped back after I was discharged home.