can't trust anyone, want to ctb

[complexptsd]

I don't know if I'm going to make it to the end of the year. For a while I was trying therapy and to improve my mental health again, but it's just not working.

This summer I went through something really awful with my "best friend". We had been extremely close for four years; they were the person I called when I felt alone or suicidal, and I trusted them more than my own family. I would have done anything for them. But this summer they broke up with their gf and were going through some stuff. About a month after their breakup they came over to my place one night and said all this sweet stuff to me, that I'd "always been the one" that they wanted, that they "loved" me, that they would never leave me, etc. We ended up sleeping together. A few weeks later they got back together with their ex-gf. She found out that they'd slept with me during the breakup and exploded at me, completely blamed me for not telling her about the affair (even though I thought they should have been the one to tell her so that's why I didn't say anything.) She called me a "Greek tragedy" and a "banal piece of shit" and made fun of my childhood religious trauma and my attempts at writing to work through it.

At first my friend said they were sorry for using me and that they wanted to do the work to heal the damage done to our friendship. But their gf convinced my friend that I am a manipulative toxic person, so they have blocked me and no longer are speaking to me at all.

I feel so heartbroken and alone. I don't think I can trust anyone anymore. No one in my life really seems to care about me beyond using me for their own needs and I don't believe things are going to ever get better. I just want to put an end to everything. Planning on going through with the SN method before the end of the year. Maybe around Christmas.

 

[BipolarExpress]

I'm sorry that your friend was so insensitive toward you, especially in your darkest hours. I hope you're able to find some of the support you need here, at least, so that you're in a place where you may not have to CTB after all, or can push the date back a little further.

 

[DysphoriaKilledMe]

First of all, unfortunately you were their rebound, but that kind of stuff happens. It's not your fault and you didn't deserve what your best friend's So said.

Secondly, they were wrong. There was no "affair". Your best friend and their s/o were broken up when you slept together, so there was no cheating involved.

I am sorry you went through that, though :(

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds horrible what you went through. It's true that you cannot trust people, so many of them are so self centred after all, and in this world so many people will cause harm and just make things worse. It certainly is such a cruel and painful existence so I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[ISeeDarkness]

Wow, your ex-friend sucks.

 

[Darkover]

in this world there is no one to trust not even your self as it can all come crashing down around you at any moment

 

[Nirrend]

I don't know if I'm going to make it to the end of the year. For a while I was trying therapy and to improve my mental health again, but it's just not working.

This summer I went through something really awful with my "best friend". We had been extremely close for four years; they were the person I called when I felt alone or suicidal, and I trusted them more than my own family. I would have done anything for them. But this summer they broke up with their gf and were going through some stuff. About a month after their breakup they came over to my place one night and said all this sweet stuff to me, that I'd "always been the one" that they wanted, that they "loved" me, that they would never leave me, etc. We ended up sleeping together. A few weeks later they got back together with their ex-gf. She found out that they'd slept with me during the breakup and exploded at me, completely blamed me for not telling her about the affair (even though I thought they should have been the one to tell her so that's why I didn't say anything.) She called me a "Greek tragedy" and a "banal piece of shit" and made fun of my childhood religious trauma and my attempts at writing to work through it.

At first my friend said they were sorry for using me and that they wanted to do the work to heal the damage done to our friendship. But their gf convinced my friend that I am a manipulative toxic person, so they have blocked me and no longer are speaking to me at all.

I feel so heartbroken and alone. I don't think I can trust anyone anymore. No one in my life really seems to care about me beyond using me for their own needs and I don't believe things are going to ever get better. I just want to put an end to everything. Planning on going through with the SN method before the end of the year. Maybe around Christmas.

Hi sweet @complexptsd

From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry you're going through such a complicated time in life ❤

It's terrible, I totally understand this loneliness, this injustice, this feeling of betrayal that you feel....

You say to yourself, there is no hope anymore, life is like that anyway...

I imagine that what you went through when you were younger with your PTSD doesn't help matters and maybe it has reactivated themes of the trauma : loneliness, abandonment, violence and danger that one can feel with such conditions in life...

It's awful and I'm sorry you're suffering so much ❤

We can't really do miracles but first of all, know that your suffering is legitimate, that we love you and we will always respect the trials you are going through ❤

Secondly, I imagine that you may have already done it so, but very often, anger, resentment, comes from a misunderstanding on the symbol that we send back to someone at a given time

To put it simply, sometimes things that annoy us in life (I don't know, for example, people who ask questions with double meanings and give the illusion that it's an invective, ill-intentioned question), it annoys us and we get angry at the person who asked that question.

Only rarely in life we do get really angry at someone, very often we get angry at a behaviour that symbolically at that moment has an impact on us because this symbolic evoke us past trauma of our lives

For your friend's girlfriend, she may have gotten angry at you at that moment because what happened made her represent herself at a given moment, a symbolism through you reminding her of the betrayal, the adultery, the lie, that she may have already experienced before and that hurt her deeply.

The problem is that, when we don't realise that anger is the consequence of personal and past symbolism that we represent to ourselves from people's behaviour, we tend to essentialise the person as if they were that symbol in their entierety.

To put it simply, what happened to her brought back wounds of abandonment, rejection, betrayal, lying, but because she got too carried away and no one opened her eyes, you alone became an absolute representation of betrayal. And so, the scenario she's got is "she's untrustworthy, she's playing with my guy, I figured this girl has always been like that"

I don't know if this is it, but this is how I understood this story

But you, you're smarter and you have access to that, you know what really happened

If you want, although I may be missing parts of the story and maybe this girl is much more evil than she looks (your friend's girlfriend), but with the elements I have, I will stay in the first version

Simply put, you're smart, and you have the keys in hand to end this misunderstanding ❤

Talk to her, but start your message in a gentle way, to remove any confinement on her part

I know you're hurting, but so is she, and it's sad because things can really end in an optimistic way ❤

You could very well send her something like :

"Hi, excuse me, I'm going to make this simple. First of all I wanted to apologise that things as you perceived them regarding (your friend) and myself had an impact on you like that. You know, I think I would have felt betrayed too, facing an enemy or a predator who wants to steal my guy... but I'd like you to know one thing, I promise you that nothing happened, I promise you that even if you think he betrayed you and I betrayed you, we didn't. He came just because (you explain your pain, the importance of your friend's presence that night). You know, I too am deeply saddened by what is happening, both for me, for you and for my friend and therefore your boyfriend. I would like us to talk, calmly, and for you to feel better on your side and for me too. Ask me the questions you want, I assure you, I'll answer everything".

I hope you understood it well, I'm not against you, I promise sweet @complexptsd

I'm not taking your friend's girlfriend's side, I'm just saying that sometimes when you have a head start on reading a situation that the other doesn't, just by reaching out, everything gets better for everyone ❤

I understand that it wakes you up to the violence that PTSD themes can evoke but I assure you, I am 100% behind you ❤

When it comes to wanting to die, a lot of wounds seem to be clumping up inside you for years now without you managing to get rid of them, you're a ticking time bomb... be less hard on yourself and use this place to vent, with pleasure we will listen to your stories ❤

Stay brave like you already are! Things will get better and keep us posted on this story ❤

Love ❤

 

[eldiablo666]

That's people in a nutshell . They group up and ostracise the s@&t out of you then they leave you for the vultures.

It's really, really common. We are nothing but a fragile herd animal which has only one dominant, stronger emotion called fear which we are all ruled by.

It's just human nature. Look at it how you want but that's just facts.

 

[whatevs]

It really seems that in this fucked up place you cannot take for granted even the most credible display of loyalty. Everything we have is contingent and temporary. I don't blame those that don't want to live like that. I've met people that were relatively stable in their affection even when I was down and no longer a useful resource but they're a minority.

 

[complexptsd]

Hi sweet @complexptsd

From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry you're going through such a complicated time in life ❤

It's terrible, I totally understand this loneliness, this injustice, this feeling of betrayal that you feel....

You say to yourself, there is no hope anymore, life is like that anyway...

I imagine that what you went through when you were younger with your PTSD doesn't help matters and maybe it has reactivated themes of the trauma : loneliness, abandonment, violence and danger that one can feel with such conditions in life...

It's awful and I'm sorry you're suffering so much ❤

We can't really do miracles but first of all, know that your suffering is legitimate, that we love you and we will always respect the trials you are going through ❤

Secondly, I imagine that you may have already done it so, but very often, anger, resentment, comes from a misunderstanding on the symbol that we send back to someone at a given time

To put it simply, sometimes things that annoy us in life (I don't know, for example, people who ask questions with double meanings and give the illusion that it's an invective, ill-intentioned question), it annoys us and we get angry at the person who asked that question.

Only rarely in life we do get really angry at someone, very often we get angry at a behaviour that symbolically at that moment has an impact on us because this symbolic evoke us past trauma of our lives

For your friend's girlfriend, she may have gotten angry at you at that moment because what happened made her represent herself at a given moment, a symbolism through you reminding her of the betrayal, the adultery, the lie, that she may have already experienced before and that hurt her deeply.

The problem is that, when we don't realise that anger is the consequence of personal and past symbolism that we represent to ourselves from people's behaviour, we tend to essentialise the person as if they were that symbol in their entierety.

To put it simply, what happened to her brought back wounds of abandonment, rejection, betrayal, lying, but because she got too carried away and no one opened her eyes, you alone became an absolute representation of betrayal. And so, the scenario she's got is "she's untrustworthy, she's playing with my guy, I figured this girl has always been like that"

I don't know if this is it, but this is how I understood this story

But you, you're smarter and you have access to that, you know what really happened

If you want, although I may be missing parts of the story and maybe this girl is much more evil than she looks (your friend's girlfriend), but with the elements I have, I will stay in the first version

Simply put, you're smart, and you have the keys in hand to end this misunderstanding ❤

Talk to her, but start your message in a gentle way, to remove any confinement on her part

I know you're hurting, but so is she, and it's sad because things can really end in an optimistic way ❤

You could very well send her something like :

"Hi, excuse me, I'm going to make this simple. First of all I wanted to apologise that things as you perceived them regarding (your friend) and myself had an impact on you like that. You know, I think I would have felt betrayed too, facing an enemy or a predator who wants to steal my guy... but I'd like you to know one thing, I promise you that nothing happened, I promise you that even if you think he betrayed you and I betrayed you, we didn't. He came just because (you explain your pain, the importance of your friend's presence that night). You know, I too am deeply saddened by what is happening, both for me, for you and for my friend and therefore your boyfriend. I would like us to talk, calmly, and for you to feel better on your side and for me too. Ask me the questions you want, I assure you, I'll answer everything".

I hope you understood it well, I'm not against you, I promise sweet @complexptsd

I'm not taking your friend's girlfriend's side, I'm just saying that sometimes when you have a head start on reading a situation that the other doesn't, just by reaching out, everything gets better for everyone ❤

I understand that it wakes you up to the violence that PTSD themes can evoke but I assure you, I am 100% behind you ❤

When it comes to wanting to die, a lot of wounds seem to be clumping up inside you for years now without you managing to get rid of them, you're a ticking time bomb... be less hard on yourself and use this place to vent, with pleasure we will listen to your stories ❤

Stay brave like you already are! Things will get better and keep us posted on this story ❤

Love ❤

Hi Nirrend,

I wanted to thank you (and everyone on this thread) for your kind and thoughtful responses. I was shocked anyone replied at all, and to have people demonstrate care and empathy for my situation really means the world to me.

To be clear, I did already reach out to her. I 100% agree with what you said here. I don't think she's necessarily an evil person (in my opinion, there are no "good" or "bad" people--there are only our actions and choices and how they affect others). I apologized for how my actions hurt her, reassured her that our sleeping together had been a one-time mistake that I had no intention of ever repeating, and basically begged her to give me the same thing she gave them--the chance to speak in person and explain where I was coming from.

For some reason that only made her angrier. She said my message was manipulative, even though it was not at all--I was just expressing something from my heart and my desire to resolve the conflict. It feels like literally anything I say she just twists and uses as further evidence that I'm a bad person. She now has me blocked. Neither of them will respond to my messages, so I've basically given up all hope that any reconciliation is possible. They both hate me and that's that.

What makes things even more complicated is that I am ALSO close to my ex-friend's sister. And their sister took my side because she was upset they manipulated and used me for sex. So now she isn't talking to them either, even though I've told her I want her to stay close to her sibling. It's such a mess. :( I feel like I've hurt their relationship on top of everything else.

I think what really hurts is this just feels like further evidence that I don't belong in this world. I have a hard time making friends anyway--I can be a little socially awkward because I was raised in a cult and homeschooled. And the fact that someone I considered a very close friend, someone who told me every week that they loved and valued me, could just discard me like trash--well it makes me feel like I'm never going to fit in with the rest of the world.

Plus the fact that both of them are saying bad things about me behind my back makes me so paranoid. I just feel like anywhere I go people don't want me there. So it makes me want to remove myself from this life entirely.

I'm still unsure about CTB. On one hand, it feels like the only way to end the suffering and loneliness I feel. But on the other hand I think about the little kids in my family and how much it would traumatize them and I would feel like an even worse person if I do that. I wish I could heal from this and move on, but it's affected me so deeply that I'm scared I'll never not feel the hurt.

 

[Nirrend]

Hi Nirrend,

I wanted to thank you (and everyone on this thread) for your kind and thoughtful responses. I was shocked anyone replied at all, and to have people demonstrate care and empathy for my situation really means the world to me.

To be clear, I did already reach out to her. I 100% agree with what you said here. I don't think she's necessarily an evil person (in my opinion, there are no "good" or "bad" people--there are only our actions and choices and how they affect others). I apologized for how my actions hurt her, reassured her that our sleeping together had been a one-time mistake that I had no intention of ever repeating, and basically begged her to give me the same thing she gave them--the chance to speak in person and explain where I was coming from.

For some reason that only made her angrier. She said my message was manipulative, even though it was not at all--I was just expressing something from my heart and my desire to resolve the conflict. It feels like literally anything I say she just twists and uses as further evidence that I'm a bad person. She now has me blocked. Neither of them will respond to my messages, so I've basically given up all hope that any reconciliation is possible. They both hate me and that's that.

What makes things even more complicated is that I am ALSO close to my ex-friend's sister. And their sister took my side because she was upset they manipulated and used me for sex. So now she isn't talking to them either, even though I've told her I want her to stay close to her sibling. It's such a mess. :( I feel like I've hurt their relationship on top of everything else.

I think what really hurts is this just feels like further evidence that I don't belong in this world. I have a hard time making friends anyway--I can be a little socially awkward because I was raised in a cult and homeschooled. And the fact that someone I considered a very close friend, someone who told me every week that they loved and valued me, could just discard me like trash--well it makes me feel like I'm never going to fit in with the rest of the world.

Plus the fact that both of them are saying bad things about me behind my back makes me so paranoid. I just feel like anywhere I go people don't want me there. So it makes me want to remove myself from this life entirely.

I'm still unsure about CTB. On one hand, it feels like the only way to end the suffering and loneliness I feel. But on the other hand I think about the little kids in my family and how much it would traumatize them and I would feel like an even worse person if I do that. I wish I could heal from this and move on, but it's affected me so deeply that I'm scared I'll never not feel the hurt.

I understand, I suspected that you had spoken to them in the background

But unfortunately that's it, emotion has taken over so much on her side that she is no longer able to think about your approach and your apology...

Then, as you say, your ex-friend's sister (if I remember correctly) defends you by finding that they abuse you in the sense that "you almost become a sexual object".

It's terrible because when she accuses you of "manipulation" maybe she doesn't realise that she's also talking about her own functioning

But conflicts are complicated to resolve. You'll have to let her forgive you first (emotionally) so she'll listen to you, but actually I think it's better for you to protect yourself by moving on ❤.

This can take a lot of time and energy... and she will always end up saying harsh things to you...

Concerning the cult, I also understand that it could have marked you, maybe today you have difficulty feeling like you belong to society, experiences of cults can deeply affect self-confidence, people perception, perception of reality and give the feeling that we are never so much in a stable world, in which we recognize ourselves and will be recognized. Maybe you are also afraid of being taken in or of falling into a trap again?

If this is how you feel, I'm sorry ❤

The fight against such sufferings is long but I'm glad to see that you take to talk to us about it all, it can underline your hope to find a way to live serenely ❤

Sometimes you can't win alone and even if you think you don't know how to deal with relationships, I think everything can be relearned with time ❤

Don't be too hard on yourself, I'm sure trying to contact professionals or then people who have experienced similar things (with cults for example) could fill that lonely feeling in you ❤

Whatever you choose to do, we will always respect your story and choices❤

I wish you the best ❤

Looking forward to replying to your posts here

Love ❤

 

[tyasma]

That sounds absolutely brutal. Soul-crushing to read. Maybe because I've gone through something insanely similar but yeah, that's people for you. In a sense, we're only "different" because we've already been fucked over and ""know"" ""better"". I am really, really sorry you had to go through this. That feeling you're feeling, I know it very well. Unfortunately, sometimes that's all that life is for some people. At the very least you can share your experience here with other people, I guess *that's* something...

Be safe. I'm not very active but my DMs are always open.

It really seems that in this fucked up place you cannot take for granted even the most credible display of loyalty. Everything we have is contingent and temporary. I don't blame those that don't want to live like that. I've met people that were relatively stable in their affection even when I was down and no longer a useful resource but they're a minority.

!!!

 

[UngaBungaVampy]

I'm very sorry for what you've gone through. I'm sure we've all been at a point where a good friend had turned on us, in some unfortunate way. Reading through your posts, if all is true, then in no way are you at fault, and at the very least, you still have a friend that cares, with you reciprocating in caring for them. Maybe it isn't on the same level you had with your friend, but that does mean you aren't alone.

It's tough to make new friends. Harder the older we are too. But before Christmas, I truly hope you'll find someone new to be around, as your pain, serious as it is and as hurt as you are, is one that will pass with time. Memories may linger, but forging new ones, I believe, will help mend the heart.

I'd offer to even help through a DM, but I believe I'm too new for the feature. Thankfully, tysama is a cool enough dude to (probably~) depend on for that!

 

[Pluto]

This is an awful situation to go through. I know what it is like to survive betrayal in childhood and lack trust for others. Somehow it leads to placing all our trust in people who themselves repeat the same patterns of manipulation and abandonment. In a way, we are all alone. I know I am.

Depending on the religion you grew up with, there are some good support groups for ex-members. You might find better friends there, as at least they have been through the same thing.