Venting can't stand to look at myself

[boxtobs]

So, I was assaulted by a family member for years as a kid (a strong opener, I know), which is horrible in a dozen ways, yaddah yah, sure.
The thing that's been causing difficulties as of late is that I can see them in my face, more and more as the years go by. The older I get the more striking the resemblance is. I thought by the time I was old I'd be over it but it's still killing me.
I can't have mirrors around. Shop and car windows are a logistical nightmare to avoid. All I need is a glimpse of my jaw or my nose or my brow and I'm reduced to. Well.
I don't know. It's a slow kind of horror, and also deeply humiliating. Even if I look like them, it's been decades, I should be better than this. And I do try to be. I can wear face masks and glasses and cover as much as I can, but it never stops the feeling of being vile.
I understand logically I am not becoming them, but it doesn't stop the feeling that am. How could it when every flashback and nightmare is punctuated by what is now our face. I can't cut my hair or check an outfit without taking my meds first, I can't stand the feeling of anyone looking at me. Had a breakdown over my own ID, which. Just feels so pathetic, whether that's fair to myself or not.
I'm exhausted. I fucking hate this. I had my symptoms under control for a good ten years and now it feels like I've wasted my time. Scared of something as simple as my own body.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound really tiring and awful what you have to endure, it certainly is such a cruel world that we exist in where so many people suffer all through no fault of their own. But anyway, best wishes.

 

[Mixfeels]

Its not your fault.. im sorry you have to go through this

 

[SamTam33]

I totally get it. I hate how daughters tend to look like their fathers. I hate that I have his face. I hate him so thoroughly that there's no way on earth I could ever love what he made. It would be irrational to do so.

I often feel like it should be some sort of crime to give someone your face against their will. It feels like a bodily violation. They have literally forced themselves on you.

I'm the same way with mirrors and reflections. But it's so bad that I can "see" my face without even looking at. I feel it sitting on my shoulders. I see my face whenever I hear him speak.

I bristle and want to spit when someone gives me a compliment. I mumble "thanks" so quickly that I sometimes wonder if I even acknowledged what they said at all.

It sounds insane, but by saying something nice about my despicable face - you've made me think about it. You've made me think about him. And you've messed me up for the rest of the day.

I daydream about how different I'd feel if I loved him. If I loved him, then I could love me.