Venting can’t see things getting better for myself

[iloveyouihateyou]

just woke up feeling shittier than ever and it had me reevaluating my whole life.. like i just don't know how i'm supposed to make it in this life i don't know how to become a productive member of society at this rate.

for some background here's how my life has been the past year: can't find work for months, 1000s in debt from reckless spending, aside from paying my credit card and money left i spend on smokes and alcohol cause i can't handle being sober and miserable. so i drink alcohol every single day just to function and have some sort of enthusiasm around people, smoke cigarettes constantly when i go outside because i feel like i have no reason to leave my house. my relationship is basically done cause i self sabotage and i barely have any friends cause when i tell people the truth about myself they realize they don't want to talk to someone like me..

i'm not blaming anyone for turning away from and i don't even blame anyone for the position i'm in, like a true idiot i know i've put myself in this position but really though how am i supposed to recover from how badly i fucked myself? like how am i supposed to wake up for work for the rest of my life when i feel so horrible inside, like i feel like i'm fucking dying man i just don't know how i can even be anybody in this life at all. even if i wanted to, logically i don't know like i genuinely don't know how i can pull myself together.

my only motivation for work is literally just to make money to buy drugs and yeah i should probably stop but i know i'm not gonna stop. i feel so bad though like seriously nothing motivates me to want to grow old, nothing motivates me to want to be or do shit anymore and the only thing that's made my life bearable for the past 5 years is getting high by myself it's actually quite pathetic but i don't know i can't deal with this shit, i can't deal with life i'm not ashamed to admit it cause this is really my life no matter how embarrassing it is. what makes it even worse is that i don't even feel that good from doing drugs anymore, i just feel suicidal in a different state. but still i don't even want to stop because being high or drunk is just better than being sober for me. it's really pathetic man but it's real for me

even worse my mom is forcing me to go to college soon and i'm not gonna lie i think it might push me over the edge, because i want to work and i'm still looking for work, and i was in such a better state before thinking i could balance a job and school. now i just thinking i'm gonna finally kill myself but i say that everytime don't i lol…

i want to say "can someone help me" but i don't think i can be helped anymore. but can someone help me kill myself cause i'm too weak to jump or cut myself, i'm too scared to overdose myself i'm too scared to do anything anymore, why can't i just fucking die and end this suffering. it hurts so much man life is so scary for me and i feel like i'm crying internally everyday no one can even tell i'm hurting because i hide it so well you'd think i never frowned a day in my life. FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE SERIOUSLy fuck my fucking life man

anyways. if you read this far i appreciate it and i hope you have a nice day and rest of your life :D

 

[zigizigzag]

Too bad most suicide options are either unreliable, extremely painful or both. The few "good" options I've seen so far seem to require money, extensive preparation and acquiring certain materials that can't be found without some psyop/connections/dark net stuff. Also, since you're considering overdosing and cutting - from what I understand either of those have a very low success rate, and you're more likely going to harm your body long-term than die.

I wish I could give you some sympathy here, but I'm not exactly looking out for my life either (hence being here). I don't think I've ever had a genuine friendship that didn't just revolve around sharing some fun activity with another person. I think in order to make that kind of connection with another person there must be a certain level of love for yourself. I don't even know how that looks like but I know that hating yourself is the opposite of that. Something I've heard is that you can't hate yourself into loving yourself. It sounds like you are doing something that you regret and then you hate yourself for it, but that is only making things worse. Then the drugs and the alcohol become their own punishment. Sorta like a way to hurt yourself even more - to punish yourself for even having the hope of making things better and for failing so miserably. At least that's how it goes in my mind and I'm not even into alcohol or drugs - this is how any addiction works and it starts with a lack of love. The addiction is just a symptom of it and it slowly consumes you to the point where death becomes the best option because life seems much more painful (at least in the moment).

This is the part where I would be giving you some kind of advice but there isn't a thing I could personally tell you as I haven't had success with anything I've done and so can't really be genuine with advice. I'm kind of tired of things. For the longest time I've felt like I've been making progress for myself but it turns out that I was just getting better at masking. I'm not exactly in pain right now but there just isn't a life ahead of me given how I am simply unable to maintain relationships as I lack interest in people and am unable to be genuine in my emotions with others or myself. Just kind of looking for an easy way out like you and being annoyed at the fact that there doesn't seem to be one that doesn't require tons of effort and know-how.