Venting Can't let go of past mistakes

[akuyya]

I think about them every waking moment. I have tried therapy and SSRI's and i cannot stop obsessing over past mistakes. I haven't done anything to hurt someone explicitly like being violent or abusive, but i have behaved like a bad and disrespectful person because of my alcohol + benzo addiction and i regret and cringe about my past events every 10 fucking minutes for the past few month since i have stopped drinking. There is no help and i do not want to be helped, i want to leave this fucking nightmare behind. Every day is getting me closer to CTB.

 

[WornOutLife]

You're SO like me! I'm in your shoes, really.
I'm obsessed with my past mistakes and also with the future because I just keep wondering whether I'll be able to CTB or not.
I hate life but love alcohol! I'll drink a lot of it once I win my freedom back so as to at least, forget for some hours this shitty world we live in.

 

[akuyya]

When will you get your freedom back? I don't have a plan for now but i know the moment i am ready i will not stop drinking until the end. It makes this life slightly more tolerable. It is the only solution for me that gives me internal peace.

PS: Soy argentino tambien!

 

[Steamm]

I feel you, I've been through the same, those thoughts don't let me alone and make me wanna blow my head off.

 

[akuyya]

Sorry to hear that, but that makes two of us. If i had a shotgun or access to weapons it'd be my 1st choice to finally put an end to my brain.

 

[Sherri]

Maybe not you want to hear, and even myself used do dislike when people used to tell me what I'm about to tell you. Only time can heal whatever happened in our past hun. A big hug.

 

[Wrennie]

Back when I had autoimmune encephalitis I acted so cringey it was surreal. It's crazy how drastically chronic brain inflammation can alter one's personality. After my disease was treated I looked back on my past actions and felt so much shame, disgust and self-loathing. I live in constant fear of encountering people from my past for that very reason, because I know it won't matter to them that I wasn't fully in control. I was never violent or cruel toward anyone, but I said some downright stupid things that offended many. It's so hard to live with those memories, so I totally get where you're coming from when you can't help but let your past define you.

 

[akuyya]

Back when I had autoimmune encephalitis I acted so cringey it was surreal. It's crazy how drastically chronic brain inflammation can alter one's personality. After my disease was treated I looked back on my past actions and felt so much shame, disgust and self-loathing. I live in constant fear of encountering people from my past for that very reason, because I know it won't matter to them that I wasn't fully in control. I was never violent or cruel toward anyone, but I said some downright stupid things that offended many. It's so hard to live with those memories, so I totally get where you're coming from when you can't help but let your past define you.

When you say you live in constant fear of encountering people from the past, i feel you. I have that too, a little bit. I have said some horrible things too, which i deeply regret and it is impossible to take back now.

I am glad you have fixed your autoimmune disorder, i have never heard of it before. May i ask what is your coping mechanism for those memories? I am still drinking, though not as bad as before.

 

[Wrennie]

When you say you live in constant fear of encountering people from the past, i feel you. I have that too, a little bit. I have said some horrible things too, which i deeply regret and it is impossible to take back now.

I am glad you have fixed your autoimmune disorder, i have never heard of it before. May i ask what is your coping mechanism for those memories? I am still drinking, though not as bad as before.

Ah, I wish that I had some effective coping mechanisms that I could share with you! Unfortunately the utilization of healthy coping skills has never been a strong suit of mine, hence why I'm here.
I guess what helps me to not care as much about my past is that I've completely stopped caring about my future as well... I eventually reached a point where I was like "nothing matters in the grand scheme of things", and stopped placing so much significance on my interactions with people because of it. It's certainly not foolproof; I still lie awake at night on occasion and torment myself with painful recollections from my past, but if there's one thing to be gained from existential nihilism it's that I've stopped holding myself and others to the same standards that I used to.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Same here. A couple of years ago I said some horrible things during times of stress that caused me to lose friends and one of my jobs, but yet I was stupid enough to spend time with toxic people that only made me feel worse. By the time I cut those people out of my life, it was too late and the damage was already done. I wish I could go back in time 3 years, to before any of it happened and stop it from happening, but I can't.

 

[Miss_Takes]

I think about them every waking moment. I have tried therapy and SSRI's and i cannot stop obsessing over past mistakes. I haven't done anything to hurt someone explicitly like being violent or abusive, but i have behaved like a bad and disrespectful person because of my alcohol + benzo addiction and i regret and cringe about my past events every 10 fucking minutes for the past few month since i have stopped drinking. There is no help and i do not want to be helped, i want to leave this fucking nightmare behind. Every day is getting me closer to CTB.

I can relate also. And as someone else said (and I hated it when people said this to me also) time may help.
We can not change our past, and this is just as pertinent whether you are the victim of abuse or perpetrator of abuse.
What is perhaps possible is to take time and take opportunities to change what happens from here. That will be a different choice for everyone but something I have seen help is to do something good for someone else. And repetition is key here because the repetition of behaviours reinforces our feelings and experiences.
Nothing changes what has gone before but sometimes there is a way to see more clearly that we are not just the sum of our past ... but 'evening' out our intentional experiences may help us learn to live more peacefully with our mistakes.

 

[akuyya]

Ah, I wish that I had some effective coping mechanisms that I could share with you! Unfortunately the utilization of healthy coping skills has never been a strong suit of mine, hence why I'm here.
I guess what helps me to not care as much about my past is that I've completely stopped caring about my future as well... I eventually reached a point where I was like "nothing matters in the grand scheme of things", and stopped placing so much significance on my interactions with people because of it. It's certainly not foolproof; I still lie awake at night on occasion and torment myself with painful recollections from my past, but if there's one thing to be gained from existential nihilism it's that I've stopped holding myself and others to the same standards that I used to.

You have a really nice way of expressing yourself, and really fluent at putting thoughts into words! I can barely type lol thanks for this response! Unfortunately for me i haven't reached any conclusions which make me not remember my past mistakes and go in loops in my brain, yet. It's been like this for almost a whole year and I know i can't get past this.

I can relate also. And as someone else said (and I hated it when people said this to me also) time may help.
We can not change our past, and this is just as pertinent whether you are the victim of abuse or perpetrator of abuse.
What is perhaps possible is to take time and take opportunities to change what happens from here. That will be a different choice for everyone but something I have seen help is to do something good for someone else. And repetition is key here because the repetition of behaviours reinforces our feelings and experiences.
Nothing changes what has gone before but sometimes there is a way to see more clearly that we are not just the sum of our past ... but 'evening' out our intentional experiences may help us learn to live more peacefully with our mistakes.

I know what you mean, but I really doubt time will heal this. I still have thoughts of bad things i did like 3 years ago, and I can't change it. I think i have reached the point where i do not even want time to heal this, I just want my existence to end. I consider myself lucky in a way that i haven't killed or destroyed someone's life, but i have created emotional pain to a few people which i cannot forgive myself for. And like i said, i don't want to forgive myself for it, i need my life to end to hopefully never return to this place.

Same here. A couple of years ago I said some horrible things during times of stress that caused me to lose friends and one of my jobs, but yet I was stupid enough to spend time with toxic people that only made me feel worse. By the time I cut those people out of my life, it was too late and the damage was already done. I wish I could go back in time 3 years, to before any of it happened and stop it from happening, but I can't.

Yep, same situation for me. Started hanging out with toxic people (good people i think, but they just are very lost and insensitive to everyone else) and life just took a very different turn for me. Do you think about this a lot? i get it at night time before bed every night and it is driving me insane. I guess our lives were supposed to be this way, there wasn't any other way. Awesome pic btw, used to listen to them a lot years ago!
why is everything in 1 reply?

 

[LongNight]

I think about them every waking moment. I have tried therapy and SSRI's and i cannot stop obsessing over past mistakes. I haven't done anything to hurt someone explicitly like being violent or abusive, but i have behaved like a bad and disrespectful person because of my alcohol + benzo addiction and i regret and cringe about my past events every 10 fucking minutes for the past few month since i have stopped drinking. There is no help and i do not want to be helped, i want to leave this fucking nightmare behind. Every day is getting me closer to CTB.

I have a family member who's an addict, and if you want the other person's perspective as far as past mistakes go, just apologize. You have no idea how much it means to actually hear that you know you acted like an asshole and you're sorry about that. The WORST is when you act like an asshole then act like it never happened. That shit hurts. That shit pisses people off. You don't even have to be super specific. Just a sincere "my bad" would be fucking fabulous.

 

[akuyya]

I have a family member who's an addict, and if you want the other person's perspective as far as past mistakes go, just apologize. You have no idea how much it means to actually hear that you know you acted like an asshole and you're sorry about that. The WORST is when you act like an asshole then act like it never happened. That shit hurts. That shit pisses people off. You don't even have to be super specific. Just a sincere "my bad" would be fucking fabulous.

thanks for this, it helps a lot even just reading it. I think i am scared to act upon it because of what they might say back to me, or if they just ignore me and cut me off like "Yeah ok." but i think that is their choice and i must accept it. Just hard to think of a good way of even initiating the conversation.

 

[LongNight]

thanks for this, it helps a lot even just reading it. I think i am scared to act upon it because of what they might say back to me, or if they just ignore me and cut me off like "Yeah ok." but i think that is their choice and i must accept it. Just hard to think of a good way of even initiating the conversation.

Just think about what you want to say and practice saying it a couple of times. That way you don't choke up. Something like, "Hey man, I just want you to know that since I've been sober, I've become REALLY aware of what a pain in the ass I've been. I'm really sorry about that." The most important part is to not do that thing 1000 more times, though. It's all about the follow through.