Venting Can't get someone out of my head?

[Lilythefenfen]

About a couple of years ago, while already having attempted CTB, I thought I found love. I was allured by this dudes constant reassurance of promises to protect me and take me out of an abusive household, and a bunch of friends encouraged it. In fact one of them bought me a plane ticket and I made my daring escape out of an abusive household (Of which I would later return to much to my disappointment.) When I got to the house, it was an absolute pigsty. Soon I would face my worse time of my life as my ex would proceed to sexually assault me every night, my legs would atrophy, and they would be covered in dirt, bug bites, rat bites, and all sorts of nasty things. By the time I got out of that house I was a mess of my former self and had to be carried out of the house. Despite all the evidence brought forward, LE did absolutely nothing. Then, after attempting to CTB and failing in my attempt, my "friends" would all turn against me, calling me a liar and blocking all forms of contact with me. It broke me and it still hurts so much today as I had lost my complete support system overnight.

Lately I found out the dude still mocks me from another friend, he literally branded me with a metal nail file and treated me as nothing but something to toy with, and he is now doing it to others. I do not wish what has happened to me to happen to others. Lately I can't get the dude out of my mind. I can no longer sleep and when I do sleep it's because of my body shutting down and basically forcing me to, I have constant chest pain due to anxiety, and lately the idea of CTB has been more and more appealing.

But I wanted to ask all of you, is there any particular person in your life that has stuck around in your head and contributes to you wanting to catch the bus?

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I don't have an answer to the question you asked, but I am touched by your story. I needed to tell you I'm so sorry this happened to you. You deserve better thhan that. You did then and still do now.

Please know not everyone is like what you've had to deal with up until now. I don't blame you for losing trust in others being decent, but it is true. It seems to me like you need a fresh start. What sort of resources do you have? Do you have a job where you could transfer elsewhere? Or enough money you could move somewhere else based on that?

If you are constantly kept in a pit of mud, the idea of being clean will always seem alien until you have the chance to get free and cleanse yourself. If it's possible, I think you should try something like that in case it makes the difference. If the people around you won't give you hope, fuck them and make your own. I believe in you. And if you need anyone to talk to I'm here anytime you need the support. Nobody should feel the way you do, and I'd love to help change that if that's what you want.