Can’t escape obsessive ctb thoughts

[rabbithole]

Yes, it is just impossible to resign... No work on myself could make me feel better about this... It's just an extremely extremely big shock...

Are you sure that your desease is progressive and at least smth can't stop the progression ? :-(

I empathize completely. How was your mental health before Covid?

there are things to help slow the progression, and some people never progress. Yet I can't even imagine living in the stage I am in now let alone a worse one.

 

[Jarni]

I empathize completely. How was your mental health before Covid?

there are things to help slow the progression, and some people never progress. Yet I can't even imagine living in the stage I am in now let alone a worse one.

I see... I understand for the progression and the stage that you already can't tolerate.... :-(

As far as for my mental health, it was always perfect before Covid.... Even when I had great troubles in my life, I'm generally very optimist and found good solutions for a big deal of things... No psys, no meds, nothing like this... Now can't see smth to be optimist, unfortunately... It's the first time I'm so depressed (but there are real reasons....)....

 

[Thin Chew]

H

Keep testing sn like an idiot. Just took half a gram. it's a test of my ability to make the decision to down poison, although the fact that it's not a lethal dose is likely what's allowing me to do it. Fuck. I'm in a bad place. I don't even WANT to die. I want to stop being in emotional and physical pain. But I still want to exist, the way I used to.

Exactly same. I am so haunted by what I will do to my family. How much my sisters will hate me.

I'm so sorry you're trapped too.

<3 and hugs to you as well.

How do you test? And do you feel anything after consuming it?

 

[yive]

I can't imagine escaping them now. It would be miraculous. I also want them to finish me off. Are you able to enjoy anything or is it ruined by thoughts of ctb?

life from my point of view is 90% of suffering and at best 10% of pleasure. is it worth it? for me – definitely not [sorry pro-lifers].
moreover, death is inevitable, and old age brings a lot of pointless suffering.
and i also hate the lies that people use to brainwash each other!

 

[rabbithole]

I see... I understand for the progression and the stage that you already can't tolerate.... :-(

As far as for my mental health, it was always perfect before Covid.... Even when I had great troubles in my life, I'm generally very optimist and found good solutions for a big deal of things... No psys, no meds, nothing like this... Now can't see smth to be optimist, unfortunately... It's the first time I'm so depressed (but there are real reasons....)....

I understand. Losing your health is truly devastating and I think inevitability causes depression. I'm so sorry this happened to you. This damn virus is causing so much anguish.

H

How do you test? And do you feel anything after consuming it?

Put a small amount in a little water. I get a headache and racing heart. Threw up one time when I tried it.

 

[shadowchaser]

I can definitely relate. At this point they've become more obsessive and than suicidal, actually. Constantly hearing "I want to die" in my head, even if I just woke up and was feeling fine

 

[DrWh033]

I have arachnoiditis and an incomplete spinal cord injury.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. Was it medical mistake or accident? LBP gone wrong?

 

[painoflife]

Yes I get this feeling. I can't work out whether it's comforting or disturbing or both. It consumes a lot of my time, I can just sit staring at nothing and thinking and totally lose track of time for hours on end.

 

[the_final_countdown]

I'm young too (just 7 years more than you...)... I have smth very strange because of (after) Covid :-( That gives me nerve pains in all my body and I can walk just a little, because exercise and walk produce very strange damages that no doctor can explain....
Yes, the situation is very exhausting... And the life around me (my friends, loved ones etc) continue like before... Very strange.... You understand that this desease is a very bad random accident, nightmare, that must just not be happened, totally unreal.... (sorry for my English, it is not my native language)....

Same thing happened to me! When I exercise, I get scar tissue. And I have pain all over my body.

But I don't know if it's because of Covid...There's so many other things that have gone wrong with my health with very little possibility of going back to the way I was.

sleeping is so hard now. Just constant, all-consuming pain.

And I know the feeling. God you describe it so well...This feeling that everybody else is living their lives. It feels like a nightmare.

I remember constantly telling myself, "This can't be real. This can't be happening."

Such an absurd amount of pain.

my deepest sympathies friend. Big hugs.

Wow I am so sorry. That is so strange. COVID has caused so much lasting damage that people don't seem to talk about (or I'm just not keeping up with the news...). It was a completely random accident for me as well. A lumbar puncture gave me arachnoiditis and a spinal cord injury - I don't have sensation in the "saddle" region and have incontinence now. The universe can be so uncaring and cruel. It doesn't matter who you are, random awful things can happen.

Oh and your English is fine, no need to apologize.

I'm sorry friend. I almost had a lumbar puncture a few days ago because I began losing my vision and they needed to relieve the pressure in my head.

I said no, but I've already deteriorated in my health so much at this point..I don't even think it would matter at this point. I thought about going back on the off chance the lumbar puncture would kill me, but it's too low to guarantee anything.

But I understand your frustration. It does seem unfair. Because you can make so many right choices and suddenly have your life transformed.

and it's not like a terminal illness. I can't tell you how many times I've wished and prayed to be in hospice.

I could bear so much pain in that space.

the quiet walls of a hospital room...it's so peaceful. I didn't want to leave when I went there.