Can’t escape obsessive ctb thoughts

[rabbithole]

Can't escape them. Can't make a move to attempt. Stuck in limbo. It's the only rational decision for me other than suffer and suffer more. Anyone else in the same place?

 

[Symbiote]

Yep, most of the week is filled with me filtering out my CTB thoughts. I'm planning to leave my wife and divorce, yet I'm stuck and pondering why I'm doing this, having to relive the memories that are toxic and painful, then think if it all doesn't work out and I get sucked back in, I can just kill myself and be done with it all. Been stressed out getting a job in another state far away from her that I stopped eating good and feel worried often that I failed the interviews and such.

 

[sadworld]

Yeah, living and dying gives me anxiety. I'm stuck too. I'm sorry you feel like that Sending and

 

[demuic]

Yes I can't leave due to the effects it will likely have on someone else. It's agony, I'm trapped, just let me die.

 

[yive]

Anyone else in the same place?

i'm in the same boat. i think about ctb 24/7

 

[rabbithole]

Keep testing sn like an idiot. Just took half a gram. it's a test of my ability to make the decision to down poison, although the fact that it's not a lethal dose is likely what's allowing me to do it. Fuck. I'm in a bad place. I don't even WANT to die. I want to stop being in emotional and physical pain. But I still want to exist, the way I used to.

Yes I can't leave due to the effects it will likely have on someone else. It's agony, I'm trapped, just let me die.

Exactly same. I am so haunted by what I will do to my family. How much my sisters will hate me.

I'm so sorry you're trapped too.

Yeah, living and dying gives me anxiety. I'm stuck too. I'm sorry you feel like that Sending and

<3 and hugs to you as well.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Can't escape them. Can't make a move to attempt. Stuck in limbo. It's the only rational decision for me other than suffer and suffer more. Anyone else in the same place?

I'm not anymore, but I have been there and I understand the desperation. I was at the point where it was a miracle that I got through each day without doing something really stupid.
What helped me, ironically, was the obsessive ideation. Spending all day on google looking for info, methods, afterlife stuff, guides ,you name it, I've read it all. Three times at least. Strangely, it calmed me and stopped me acting.

I'm really sorry you guys feel like you must. The conflict and anguish is horrible.

 

[rabbithole]

Yep, most of the week is filled with me filtering out my CTB thoughts. I'm planning to leave my wife and divorce, yet I'm stuck and pondering why I'm doing this, having to relive the memories that are toxic and painful, then think if it all doesn't work out and I get sucked back in, I can just kill myself and be done with it all. Been stressed out getting a job in another state far away from her that I stopped eating good and feel worried often that I failed the interviews and such.

It's always comforting to have ctb to fall back on. But it also becomes a maladaptive coping mechanism that is intrusive and oppressive.

I'm not anymore, but I have been there and I understand the desperation. I was at the point where it was a miracle that I got through each day without doing something really stupid.
What helped me, ironically, was the obsessive ideation. Spending all day on google looking for info, methods, afterlife stuff, guides ,you name it, I've read it all. Three times at least. Strangely, it calmed me and stopped me acting.

I've done the same! It has also calmed my impulsivity but I still must die - I have a bad disease (not terminal) and a spinal cord injury so my quality of life isn't great.

 

[ihavetoleave]

Same boat, I panic every day about moving forward with all of the shame I have to confront and all of the mistakes I can't fix in front of me, and my other option is to take SN and end things and I am terrified of that step. No good choices, I bounce back and forth between these two bad options until I am asleep and then I wake up and it repeats.

 

[rabbithole]

Same boat, I panic every day about moving forward with all of the shame I have to confront and all of the mistakes I can't fix in front of me, and my other option is to take SN and end things and I am terrified of that step. No good choices, I bounce back and forth between these two bad options until I am asleep and then I wake up and it repeats.

Geez, same. I'm sorry you're in the same boat.

 

[RainAndSadness]

I feel you buddy. I've been there for years.

 

[Moonbounce]

Pretty much. I've got SN stored in my closet. I could do it at any time.

I catch myself regularly compressing my carotids too.

 

[Jarni]

I understand... :-( It is the same... I can't live with my desease, but just before it my life was very happy, perfect, wonderful... And now a hell.... I'll give literally everything to just live like before... But my desease disabled me, I just can't live like this, I can't be happy even in good moments, have no more interest in nothing... Just exhausting CTB thoughts 24/24 7/7.... I can't imagine that that wonderful life (before...) has to finish, it is just not real... It's too much, smth very extreme... But I really can't live like this, It's just not possible.... And everyday I continue to dream to die....

 

[rs929]

Same

 

[rabbithole]

I understand... :-( It is the same... I can't live with my desease, but just before it my life was very happy, perfect, wonderful... And now a hell.... I'll give literally everything to just live like before... But my desease disabled me, I just can't live like this, I can't be happy even in good moments, have no more interest in nothing... Just exhausting CTB thoughts 24/24 7/7.... I can't imagine that that wonderful life (before...) has to finish, it is just not real... It's too much, smth very extreme... But I really can't live like this, It's just not possible.... And everyday I continue to dream to die....

I feel this with my soul. Truly. My life before was beautiful and simple. Now it's complicated and even in good moments I can't smile. Plus there are so few good moments. I'm so sorry you're in this position as well. It isn't fair.

 

[blackwidow92]

I feel exactly the same day in day out, it's awful.

 

[yive]

Can't escape obsessive ctb thoughts

moreover, i don't want to escape from these [ctb] thoughts. i really want these thoughts to finish me off!

 

[rabbithole]

moreover, i don't want to escape from these [ctb] thoughts. i really want these thoughts to finish me off!

I can't imagine escaping them now. It would be miraculous. I also want them to finish me off. Are you able to enjoy anything or is it ruined by thoughts of ctb?

 

[Jarni]

I feel this with my soul. Truly. My life before was beautiful and simple. Now it's complicated and even in good moments I can't smile. Plus there are so few good moments. I'm so sorry you're in this position as well. It isn't fair.

Yes, the desease is like a poison for every moment... :-( I'm sorry for you too and understand so well the situation.
The most sad and complicated is that I don't see the future with this desease. And I can't live without any plan for the future....
I can't do things that I like (travel, meet new interesting people, bike, sports...). My body is too fragile and I have no family to protect me against the difficulties of life...

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Yes, the desease is like a poison for every moment... :-( I'm sorry for you too and understand so well the situation.
The most sad and complicated is that I don't see the future with this desease. And I can't live without any plan for the future....
I can't do things that I like (travel, meet new interesting people, bike, sports...). My body is too fragile and I have no family to protect me against the difficulties of life...

I hear you. The fragility and limitation. I'm kind of there too.

 

[rabbithole]

Yes, the desease is like a poison for every moment... :-( I'm sorry for you too and understand so well the situation.
The most sad and complicated is that I don't see the future with this desease. And I can't live without any plan for the future....
I can't do things that I like (travel, meet new interesting people, bike, sports...). My body is too fragile and I have no family to protect me against the difficulties of life...

My heart breaks for you. It is not fair. I also feel robbed of any future. I'm only 28 too and I just can't imagine living decades more in pain. What disease do you have if you don't mind me asking?

I know exactly how you feel. Like one foot is already in the grave all the time. It's beyond exhausting.

 

[DrWh033]

What disease are you talking about?

 

[rabbithole]

What disease are you talking about?

I have arachnoiditis and an incomplete spinal cord injury.

 

[Jarni]

My heart breaks for you. It is not fair. I also feel robbed of any future. I'm only 28 too and I just can't imagine living decades more in pain. What disease do you have if you don't mind me asking?

I know exactly how you feel. Like one foot is already in the grave all the time. It's beyond exhausting.

I'm young too (just 7 years more than you...)... I have smth very strange because of (after) Covid :-( That gives me nerve pains in all my body and I can walk just a little, because exercise and walk produce very strange damages that no doctor can explain....
Yes, the situation is very exhausting... And the life around me (my friends, loved ones etc) continue like before... Very strange.... You understand that this desease is a very bad random accident, nightmare, that must just not be happened, totally unreal.... (sorry for my English, it is not my native language)....

 

[rabbithole]

I'm young too (just 7 years more than you...)... I have smth very strange because of (after) Covid :-( That gives me nerve pains in all my body and I can walk just a little, because exercise and walk produce very strange damages that no doctor can explain....
Yes, the situation is very exhausting... And the life around me (my friends, loved ones etc) continue like before... Very strange.... You understand that this desease is a very bad random accident, nightmare, that must just not be happened, totally unreal.... (sorry for my English, it is not my native language)....

Wow I am so sorry. That is so strange. COVID has caused so much lasting damage that people don't seem to talk about (or I'm just not keeping up with the news...). It was a completely random accident for me as well. A lumbar puncture gave me arachnoiditis and a spinal cord injury - I don't have sensation in the "saddle" region and have incontinence now. The universe can be so uncaring and cruel. It doesn't matter who you are, random awful things can happen.

Wow I am so sorry. That is so strange. COVID has caused so much lasting damage that people don't seem to talk about (or I'm just not keeping up with the news...). It was a completely random accident for me as well. A lumbar puncture gave me arachnoiditis and a spinal cord injury - I don't have sensation in the "saddle" region and have incontinence now. The universe can be so uncaring and cruel. It doesn't matter who you are, random awful things can happen.

Oh and your English is fine, no need to apologize.

 

[Jarni]

Wow I am so sorry. That is so strange. COVID has caused so much lasting damage that people don't seem to talk about (or I'm just not keeping up with the news...). It was a completely random accident for me as well. A lumbar puncture gave me arachnoiditis and a spinal cord injury - I don't have sensation in the "saddle" region and have incontinence now. The universe can be so uncaring and cruel. It doesn't matter who you are, random awful things can happen.

Oh and your English is fine, no need to apologize.

I'm so sorry for your lumbar puncture... I had it too for my desease... I almost fainted in the middle of the procedure, it was very difficult not fall on my back with the needle in it... I hate it when I hear about doctor's mistakes like this... It's not normal at all... They have to think before doing smth... And it is not a rule at all for them.... I've had one too for my desease that makes that I have much more pains in my leg than before the doctor...

As for Covid, this virus is new, and can make everything...

 

[rabbithole]

I'm so sorry for your lumbar puncture... I had it too for my desease... I almost fainted in the middle of the procedure, it was very difficult not fall on my back with the needle in it... I hate it when I hear about doctor's mistakes like this... It's not normal at all... They have to think before doing smth... And it is not a rule at all for them.... I've had one too for my desease that makes that I have much more pains in my leg than before the doctor...

As for Covid, this virus is new, and can make everything...

You also had one? It is possible it caused the nerve pain. It's rare but very possible.
Yes doctors can be so incredibly careless yet are hailed as heroes while inflicting lasting damage on people. I suppose I should forgive though because it's just an accident, there was no malice...just so hard to forgive when my life is forever changed and she's living hers normally.

 

[Jarni]

You also had one? It is possible it caused the nerve pain. It's rare but very possible.
Yes doctors can be so incredibly careless yet are hailed as heroes while inflicting lasting damage on people. I suppose I should forgive though because it's just an accident, there was no malice...just so hard to forgive when my life is forever changed and she's living hers normally.

My lumbar puncture was perfect, the pains I have were there before...
For my leg it was another doctor...

Unfortunately everything like this is like no chance at all... Like my covid also... I could not to have it from the person (I know how it happened).... :-(
I'm also used that everything can be treated by one or another way, but there are always a solution... And it is too difficult to realize that there are situations when it is not possible....

 

[rabbithole]

My lumbar puncture was perfect, the pains I have were there before...
For my leg it was another doctor...

Unfortunately everything like this is like no chance at all... Like my covid also... I could not to have it from the person (I know how it happened).... :-(
I'm also used that everything can be treated by one or another way, but there are always a solution... And it is too difficult to realize that there are situations when it is not possible....

Oh okay. I am glad the LP was okay at least.

it is such a hard pill to swallow that there isn't a solution to a problem. It's a crushing weight. I know exactly what you mean. There is no cure for my disease either and it is progressive. It's crushing me.

 

[Jarni]

Oh okay. I am glad the LP was okay at least.

it is such a hard pill to swallow that there isn't a solution to a problem. It's a crushing weight. I know exactly what you mean. There is no cure for my disease either and it is progressive. It's crushing me.

Yes, it is just impossible to resign... No work on myself could make me feel better about this... It's just an extremely extremely big shock...

Are you sure that your desease is progressive and at least smth can't stop the progression ? :-(