What’s keeping you going right now?

[affirmatice]

It's hard/impossible to live without hope.

What's keeping you here right now? Why are you still fighting?

For me

- Fear of pain/disability from CTB attempt. I honestly still feel a bit sick when I read on this site about how casually people talk about death, and the methods used. I get it, they're suffering. But it's still scary and I just don't know if I could actually bring myself to do something like that. Even though I think about it constantly.

- family/friends. I have good family and friends. They would be devastated. I wouldn't want to leave them like that, but also, it's incredibly painful to suffer daily.

To be honest, if there was an instant death button. I may not be here now, and a lot of people in this world would probably not be here either.

It's interesting because on one hand I'm trying to recover, but I don't know if it's possible. On the other hand, CTB is still in my head, but I also don't know if it's possible (for me). So I'm in a weird limbo state, trying to recover, but also thinking of death. Not fun

 

[Praestat_Mori]

In my case, I stopped fighting. That led to the fact (luckily) my decline in life cam to a halt with any kinds of stress and so on disappearing. The result is after 1.5 years I'm hardly suicidal bc everything settled on a low base. However, the base is fragile bc this isn't a solution to the actual problems that make me suicidal. Good methods aren't scary in whatever state I am.

I'm not really fighting anymore. Fighting against sth can lead to failure and that can lead to become suicidal again and and attempt. That applies in my case - other cases might be different.

To be honest, if there was an instant death button. I may not be here now, and a lot of people in this world would probably not be here either.

I would have pressed that button last year - but don't underestimate SI. I'm pretty sure that if a representative number of people or a whole country (nation) will be given N for immidiate consumption, only a very small minority would do it. The forum isn't representative bc people who search for such a place are already too broken in most cases.

It's interesting because on one hand I'm trying to recover, but I don't know if it's possible. On the other hand, CTB is still in my head, but I also don't know if it's possible (for me). So I'm in a weird limbo state, trying to recover, but also thinking of death. Not fun

Recovery is possible. If you really want recovery you can try as best as you can. You can always keep the door to CTB open in case everything fails. That's the good thing! It's your choice & decision!

 

[justkatie]

Mainly cost. It's not easy to source materials without a huge expense and I just do not have that money.

 

[Widdershins]

I have a concert next month with a friend.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I am constantly trying to come to terms with life, improving it, but ultimately I know that one day all my worries and unsolved problems will go away.

 

[ruru_241]

i somehow gotten a boyfriend and i'm attempting to get better for our future ..

 

[JohnnySack]

Video games, there are a few releases im actually looking forward to.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Summer/seasonal jobs. Gives me accountability to turn up/be reliable/not let others down. Coming to an end soon, who knows whats next.

Equally, risk of ctb failure leading to being 'found out' and/or getting labelled and/or (more significantly) being made worse physically or mentally. Also causing questions to be asked that make me worse as the whole point is that I just don't understand/have words/have answers

 

[hopemeetshopeless]

Essentially nothing at this point for me aside from my inability to overcome my basic biological hardwiring towards survival.

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

Lack of F or N…..

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Mainly inertia

 

[HereTomorrow]

Fear of failure, really. I got my method tested and ready to go otherwise.

But also, I love life. I may be alone in real life, but I'm kinda enjoying the little things right now (videogames, good food, etc.). I'm suicidial but love to be alive. It's an intresting battle.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

The slow shipping of my SN
+ New dealer

 

[Theresnoescape]

My family are keeping me going. I'm sick of my life and find it so hard sometimes, but I also don't know if I could do that to my children (CTB) . To be honest, I don't know 100% if I even want to, I just know I don't want to keep feeling the way I do now. I think I've decided to just take each day as it comes and try move forward somehow. I've been with my girlfriend now for 24 years and I'm not sure we make each other happy anymore and have grown apart a bit, so that needs some working on to see if it's what we both want or need. Sorry, I'm just blabbering now. Hopefully feel a bit more positive by the end of the day.

 

[Professor K]

My passion for creative writing and music.

 

[whywere]

Well, let's see, green tea (lots of it), all my trips to Hawai'i. Maybe, just maybe down the road, there might be someone who would not mind taking a walk or watching a sun rise or sun set with me.

Walter

 

[lamargue]

copes

 

[Kall]

Recently joined an LGBTQ association recently, I succeeded to make some friends (for the first time in years). Now I am just waiting to see how it will evolve

 

[justkatie]

Non idea. Just a stupid idea of hope.

 

[justpathetic]

Fear of failure. Very few people irl know how bad I am so I haven't lost any freedoms. If I fail and survive I would be hospitalized and monitored. SI is also a huge issue for me. I want to ctb so bad but I overthink and tall myself out of it. I'm very jealous of those who have found the strength to follow through.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.
I lost everything.
Now I can do anything.

I'm not afraid of death. I'm not suffering in an attempt to reconcile the mortality of man or hung up on an existential dilemma. I'm not confused about purpose and why we're here. I have extremely low social requirements so I do not suffer from loneliness the way others might. I am in abnormally and inexplicably good physical health given the life I've lived.

I truly despise that culturally and legally we are not allowed to choose, because if I could simply choose a method that satisfies the criteria I require I would have taken it. SI is not a impossible factor for me. I've made earnest attempts, took the plunge, and the methods did not have the lethality to kill me or I would be gone. All the methods that are good enough are difficult to obtain.

I am alive because I failed to die. Instead of wasting my time in a fearful grey I would rather choose white or black. Committing to either is better than indecision if a person can manage that decision psychologically.

 

[Fakefriendhate_Maxx]

I think it's my family and and the prospect that I might soon have a job again and finally be able to get out of (social) isolation. My w/d is also improving day by day..

The slow shipping of my SN
+ New dealer

What do you take if I may ask?

 

[pandorasactor]

Fear of failure. Very few people irl know how bad I am so I haven't lost any freedoms. If I fail and survive I would be hospitalized and monitored. SI is also a huge issue for me. I want to ctb so bad but I overthink and tall myself out of it. I'm very jealous of those who have found the strength to follow through.

I feel the same way. The main factor to why I couldn't go through with my attempts is because my SI was too strong and i kept thinking "I can live on for one more day". Also, the thoughts of me failing my suicide attempts caused me to fail which is a bit ironic.
Eventually, I just don't continue with it cause my brain gets overwhelmed.

 

[Todsünde]

I wanna give myself one last shot of achieving what I truly wanna do in this lifetime. Maybe it works, maybe it won't but I wanna try it at least. Still scared shitless to actually live for myself but there's no way around it if I'm going to stick around.

 

[justpathetic]

I feel the same way. The main factor to why I couldn't go through with my attempts is because my SI was too strong and i kept thinking "I can live on for one more day". Also, the thoughts of me failing my suicide attempts caused me to fail which is a bit ironic.
Eventually, I just don't continue with it cause my brain gets overwhelmed.

It so hard and I feel like such a failure. Then I feel more guilty and the cycle starts again.

I wanna give myself one last shot of achieving what I truly wanna do in this lifetime. Maybe it works, maybe it won't but I wanna try it at least. Still scared shitless to actually live for myself but there's no way around it if I'm going to stick around.

That's great I wish you well in your attempt to recover.

 

[Meowers]

Guilt. I don't want to hurt anyone. But if I could go without hurting anyone, I'd be gone now.

 

[JustAnotherSadMan]

It's hard/impossible to live without hope.

What's keeping you here right now? Why are you still fighting?

For me

- Fear of pain/disability from CTB attempt. I honestly still feel a bit sick when I read on this site about how casually people talk about death, and the methods used. I get it, they're suffering. But it's still scary and I just don't know if I could actually bring myself to do something like that. Even though I think about it constantly.

- family/friends. I have good family and friends. They would be devastated. I wouldn't want to leave them like that, but also, it's incredibly painful to suffer daily.

To be honest, if there was an instant death button. I may not be here now, and a lot of people in this world would probably not be here either.

It's interesting because on one hand I'm trying to recover, but I don't know if it's possible. On the other hand, CTB is still in my head, but I also don't know if it's possible (for me). So I'm in a weird limbo state, trying to recover, but also thinking of death. Not fun

My family will be devastated if I kill myself. Really wish I had that instant death button.

 

[Sadgirl121]

For me, Im still fighting for my grandmother, my partner, and the new guy I am talking to.

 

[Reflection]

I will call it some sort of hopeless optimism, I have everything figured out, a method, the place, the time...but as much as it hurts, I find myself unable to go until I know for sure that I've done all I could to turn things around and die with conviction. I don't want to spend my final moments having doubts.

 

[Chex]

Fear of failure, really. I got my method tested and ready to go otherwise.

But also, I love life. I may be alone in real life, but I'm kinda enjoying the little things right now (videogames, good food, etc.). I'm suicidial but love to be alive. It's an intresting battle.

Exact same for me like word for word.
I'm afraid that if I fail that everything I've been hiding for years will be exposed and I'll have to deal with pity, fakeness and checkups that I really want to avoid as a whole.
But yea video games and good food is pretty solid although games are getting less and less enjoyable