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akuyya

Permanent solution to a permanent problem.
Dec 3, 2020
16
Hi, first post here but long time lurker, recently decided to join.

I feel like i am a hostage to life. I do not want to be here and wish to leave ASAP, it's the only thing i think about all day. I hate life with a passion but i cannot commit to my plans to CTB due to family. I come from a close knit family and i know that if i go through with it i would be passing a lot of pain to my family. It's ridiculous. I am 30 years old and life does not get better, it gets more unbearable each year, and i'm at the point i do not want it to get better. I want to leave. 10+ years of medications, 3+ years of therapy. I am done trying and my dream is to be in the final seconds where i realise i am about to take my own life. But i am being held hostage by my family by not having this choice. What am i supposed to do? I hate being alive and i cannot escape it. Does anyone else feel like this? How do you deal with this?
 
H

Heart Shards

The shards of my broken heart cut deep.
Feb 3, 2019
535
I come from a tight knit family as well--lot of familiar pressure to stick around, get married, and produce grandchildren. For me personally, I ask the question is the pain I cause my family with my death worse than if I keep living another 40+ years? for me living would cause more pain. When I die, I don't expect to experience feeling again. It's a question you have to answer for yourself. I support you life or death. I think I'll be gone in a year or two.
 
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W

WornOutLife

マット
Mar 22, 2020
7,165
CTB is a selfish act so if you really wanna do it, you have to cope with the fact that your family, friends, etc will suffer and mourn for your death for months.
At least that works for me. If I successfully CTB next year, I'll be selfish and stop existing so in the end, I won't care about anything anymore.
 
M

mikenoir

To cheer upon death: to see life as more beautiful
Nov 3, 2020
119
Completely, 100%, totally, all the way through, relate. Been there, done that.
My aunt has just passed away with cancer on top of that. Problems, problems, problems.

The thing is, the PAIN (in the broadest sense) is too much.
Is it right? Is it wrong? I don't know. It doesn't matter.
Suicide is an event in life just as a natural disaster is.
It happens. It needs to happen even.

There is nothing you can tell yourself to feel better about it.
You can only go through with it if you have determined to end your pain.
There is no excuse that may be given except that: "It's going to happen. It's inevitable."

The pain is too great. I myself keep waiting for N. The only thing stopping me from bringing a knife to my neck is how cumbersome it is and the fear of failing. But everyday I ask myself if even that can keep me from doing it.

Hope you can come to terms with the reality.
 
H

Heart Shards

The shards of my broken heart cut deep.
Feb 3, 2019
535
CTB is a selfish act so if you really wanna do it, you have to cope with the fact that your family, friends, etc will suffer and mourn for your death for months.
At least that works for me. If I successfully CTB next year, I'll be selfish and stop existing so in the end, I won't care about anything anymore.
Disagree with your sentiment on CTB being selfish. I think undoing two people bringing you into this world is just and selfless. Allowing people to exist in this hell in the first place is selfish. I love my parents but they were selfish.
 
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WornOutLife

マット
Mar 22, 2020
7,165
Disagree with your sentiment on CTB being selfish. I think undoing two people bringing you into this world is just and selfless. Allowing people to exist in this hell in the first place is selfish. I love my parents but they were selfish.


Well, you're goddamn right! The first selfish act is the one our parents do: forcing us to be born in a place which we never asked to be in!
 
I

I screwed up

Waiting for the damn bus
Sep 11, 2019
883
@akuyya agree with you .. I m in a similar situation .. Family will be devastated I feel but sometimes u just can't help it .. Ur pain and depression can be too much to handle .. If life has no chance of improvement u guess ctb is the only option I feel ..
 
H

Heart Shards

The shards of my broken heart cut deep.
Feb 3, 2019
535
Well, you're goddamn right! The first selfish act is the one our parents do: forcing us to be born in a place which we never asked to be in!
Though that's not to say I blame them. Most people are ignorant of what the world really is: cruelty; selfishness; apathy; ect. My theory is mentally ill people are the actual sane ones; it's the 90 percent happy go luckies that are mentally ill.
 
OrdinaryDay

OrdinaryDay

Hollow
Dec 6, 2019
157
I can relate. It won't change until you learn to let go of things and people, basically cutting off emotional connections while you're still alive. This process takes different amount of time for everyone individually, but it's better to start earlier than later. In my case for example it's a moment when I feel completely free and ready to leave. It doesn't last long but I'm working on it. Real freedom
 
H

Heart Shards

The shards of my broken heart cut deep.
Feb 3, 2019
535
I can relate. It won't change until you learn to let go of things and people, basically cutting off emotional connections while you're still alive. This process takes different amount of time for everyone individually, but it's better to start earlier than later. In my case for example it's a moment when I feel completely free and ready to leave. It doesn't last long but I'm working on it. Real freedom
I agree. Isolation speeds up the process. When ever I choose a date, I will probably cut ties here too.
 
Lost in a Dream

Lost in a Dream

He/him - Metal head
Feb 22, 2020
1,673
Same here, but I feel like I am getting closer to not giving a shit about their feelings and just doing it anyway. Since they aren't physically stopping me or holding me hostage in a literal sense, it's just a mental hurdle for me to get past I think.

Your parents would be devastated if you died from a terminal illness, and mental illness can also be terminal, so what's the difference?

That's an interesting way to think about it that I haven't thought of before. If only family members like mine could see it this way too.
 
Sensei

Sensei

剣道家
Nov 4, 2019
6,336
I know the feeling. If I kill myself my old parents will be devastated and they don't deserve that. That doesn't make the pain go away, though; on the contrary. It's a dilemma without a solution, a lose-lose game. :(
 
justanotherstar

justanotherstar

Life: you can’t fire me, I quit.
Nov 23, 2020
345
I know when I CTB I will leave a path of destruction. I will devastate those I love and I either have to come to terms with this or get to a point where In the moment it doesn't matter anymore and I think for me it's probably the latter. If I think too much about what I'm doing I can't find peace in my actions but the more unwell I become the less of a choice CTB is. It's like being on the 10th floor of a burning building and asking me to choose to live. I live and I get burned to death or i choose to jump and plummet to my death. The outcome is the same but I suffer differently depending on my choice. We each have different choices, what's best for us is unique and can only ever be determined by us.
Welcome to the forum by the way, I hope you find the support here that you need
 
A

akuyya

Permanent solution to a permanent problem.
Dec 3, 2020
16
Well, you're goddamn right! The first selfish act is the one our parents do: forcing us to be born in a place which we never asked to be in!

Yep, i think the philosophy you and @whisper_willow are describing is called Anti-Natalism, from what i've read. I mostly agree with it, it is ridiculous that i was put here without consent, yet my parents seem to think the opposite, that life is a miracle, which i find completely absurd. This is anything but a miracle. A true miracle would have been to never have been born in this fucking place. Left in the abyss for all of eternity. That my friends is a miracle.

I have thought about this a lot in the last weeks and the only reason i wouldn't call myself an anti-natalist is because i really don't care what other people do. I would guess that being an anti-natalist would entail me (if being forced to choose a side) telling people that they can't have children, because life is pain and they are being selfish. But i wouldn't do that, i couldnt care less if they decide to have 0, 1 or 20 kids. Have a whole army of children, or not, for all i care. They can do whatever the hell they want as far as i'm concerned, just wish i was never included in their plans.
I'm in the same situation. It's sometimes so unbearable I truly have no idea how i'm still here.

Sorry for your pain, it's nice to know someone else is in the same situation though.
 
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x~Sophia~x

x~Sophia~x

Always give 100% - unless you’re donating blood.
Sep 10, 2020
1,361
That's an interesting way to think about it that I haven't thought of before. If only family members like mine could see it this way too.

As long as you've explored every avenue to try to get better, (ie medication, therapy, etc) then why should you continue to live if you are thoroughly miserable and in mental and emotional pain?
Perhaps you could discuss it with your family, prepare them so to speak.
 
H

Heart Shards

The shards of my broken heart cut deep.
Feb 3, 2019
535
As long as you've explored every avenue to try to get better, (ie medication, therapy, etc) then why should you continue to live if you are thoroughly miserable and in mental and emotional pain?
Perhaps you could discuss it with your family, prepare them so to speak.
I see where you're coming from but it can get Akkuya locked up in the ward. I told my parents and they flipped the fuck out, my dad picked me up, threw in the backseat, locked the doors and drove me to the hospital. Had a three week stay, not fun.
 
A

akuyya

Permanent solution to a permanent problem.
Dec 3, 2020
16
I know when I CTB I will leave a path of destruction. I will devastate those I love and I either have to come to terms with this or get to a point where In the moment it doesn't matter anymore and I think for me it's probably the latter. If I think too much about what I'm doing I can't find peace in my actions but the more unwell I become the less of a choice CTB is. It's like being on the 10th floor of a burning building and asking me to choose to live. I live and I get burned to death or i choose to jump and plummet to my death. The outcome is the same but I suffer differently depending on my choice. We each have different choices, what's best for us is unique and can only ever be determined by us.
Welcome to the forum by the way, I hope you find the support here that you need

Thank you, i like the analogy of being in a 10th floor of a burning building. I guess, given the forum context, we compare life to a burning building which is pretty accurate haha!
 
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Lost in a Dream

Lost in a Dream

He/him - Metal head
Feb 22, 2020
1,673
As long as you've explored every avenue to try to get better, (ie medication, therapy, etc) then why should you continue to live if you are thoroughly miserable and in mental and emotional pain?
Perhaps you could discuss it with your family, prepare them so to speak.

It would probably be better to try to explain it in a note that I am leaving behind afterwards. I'm not too interested in returning to the mental hospital again, that's for sure.
 
H

Heart Shards

The shards of my broken heart cut deep.
Feb 3, 2019
535
Thank you, i like the analogy of being in a 10th floor of a burning building. I guess, given the forum context, we compare life to a burning building which is pretty accurate haha!
David Foster Wallace said something similar in Infinite Jest.
 
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x~Sophia~x

x~Sophia~x

Always give 100% - unless you’re donating blood.
Sep 10, 2020
1,361
I see where you're coming from but it can get Akkuya locked up in the ward. I told my parents and they flipped the fuck out, my dad picked me up, threw in the backseat, locked the doors and drove me to the hospital. Had a three week stay, not fun.

I'm assuming you're not in UK? In UK, it's not that easy to be sectioned in a psychiatric hospital, especially if you're diagnosed with BPD. The professionals reckon we have the mental capacity to decide if we want to die. If we were to suggest that we might hurt/kill someone else however, then we'd be sectioned before you could say ctb.
 
A

akuyya

Permanent solution to a permanent problem.
Dec 3, 2020
16
As long as you've explored every avenue to try to get better, (ie medication, therapy, etc) then why should you continue to live if you are thoroughly miserable and in mental and emotional pain?
Perhaps you could discuss it with your family, prepare them so to speak.

I have discussed it, once with each one of my parents. They both started crying and it made everything much worse. They are lifelovers, they think this is a joyful and unique ride. They took me to the hospital to speak with someone, probably to get taken in, but after a long chat with one of the doctors they realised i am not "Crazy" or dangerous. Speaking with them about it will never be of any use, they have been brainwashed by life. Since then, i have consciously decided to never say anything suicidal or speak about my depression with them, since it makes it worse for them and myself.
 
x~Sophia~x

x~Sophia~x

Always give 100% - unless you’re donating blood.
Sep 10, 2020
1,361
I'm assuming you're not in UK? In UK, it's not that easy to be sectioned in a psychiatric hospital, especially if you're diagnosed with BPD. The professionals reckon we have the mental capacity to decide if we want to die. If we were to suggest that we might hurt/kill someone else however, then we'd be sectioned before you could say ctb.

@Lost in a Dream ^^^^
 
H

Heart Shards

The shards of my broken heart cut deep.
Feb 3, 2019
535
I have discussed it, once with each one of my parents. They both started crying and it made everything much worse. They are lifelovers, they think this is a joyful and unique ride. They took me to the hospital to speak with someone, probably to get taken in, but after a long chat with one of the doctors they realised i am not "Crazy" or dangerous. Speaking with them about it will never be of any use, they have been brainwashed by life. Since then, i have consciously decided to never say anything suicidal or speak about my depression with them, since it makes it worse for them and myself.
I don't know why people think this is a gift. I gave up reasoning on it a long time ago.
 
x~Sophia~x

x~Sophia~x

Always give 100% - unless you’re donating blood.
Sep 10, 2020
1,361
I have discussed it, once with each one of my parents. They both started crying and it made everything much worse. They are lifelovers, they think this is a joyful and unique ride. They took me to the hospital to speak with someone, probably to get taken in, but after a long chat with one of the doctors they realised i am not "Crazy" or dangerous. Speaking with them about it will never be of any use, they have been brainwashed by life. Since then, i have consciously decided to never say anything suicidal or speak about my depression with them, since it makes it worse for them and myself.

Well, at least you tried, and they've been forewarned.
All of my family know that I'll probably die of suicide, I think they understand how difficult my life has been, so they weren't surprised.
 
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Captive of Mind

Captive of Mind

Memento mori
Aug 11, 2020
409
Though that's not to say I blame them. Most people are ignorant of what the world really is: cruelty; selfishness; apathy; ect. My theory is mentally ill people are the actual sane ones; it's the 90 percent happy go luckies that are mentally ill.
I see what you're saying, but it's only called mentally ill because it makes us feel worse. They are mentally healthy because they could remain stable despite how fucked up the world is.
 
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