Discussion Can't CTB because of mother

[epicdude]

I've seen similarly themed threads already, sorry if this is repetitive.

But I need to share my story. My mom is a single mother in her 60s and she is taking care of her 90 year old mother.

I suffer from severe anxiety disorder since childhood. Wanted to CTB since 12.

But I literally cannot do it because my mother would go insane from sorrow. I don't live with her, but I'm the only person she has. Me dying before the 90 year old grandma dies would destroy her completely. I could barely imagine what it would cause to her and what she would become.

This weighs on me insanely heavy. I am chained and bound to suffer because if I decide to stop suffering, it would put another person into grave.

I don't even have control over my own existence. I exist simply because I'm waiting for her to die to be free.

Please share with me your thoughts.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like such a torturous situation, I don't believe that anybody is obligated to continue suffering in this existence they were so cruelly burdened with in the first place but anyway it's always a personal decision deciding what to do, I just wish that people wouldn't bring life here so that nobody would have to suffer and suffer loss, there really is too much suffering in existing.

 

[lokabe82]

I'm sorry that you feel like you have to bear this torture. I wish I could offer you more support because I know how much it hurts. My mother is now alone due to her last child growing up and moving out and my grandfather (her dad) is declining in health as well. I understand how hard this feeling is.

 

[pole]

it's tough.

it just feels like you're imprisoned. wanting to go but you literally can't for the sake of your mother. it's a helpless feeling.

the only reason I'm still alive right now is because of my mom as well. I would've been long gone by now and have zero desire to live for anything else other than her.

have been praying everyday for a long time that I get serious health problems to put an end to this miserable life. other times, as fucked as it sounds, I picture her peacefully passing one day in her sleep, and me finally going.

with the way life is going, I'll likely be pushed to the edge sooner than later and CTB regardless of how I feel about my mom.

we can only endure so much. I'm tired.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I've seen similarly themed threads already, sorry if this is repetitive.

But I need to share my story. My mom is a single mother in her 60s and she is taking care of her 90 year old mother.

I suffer from severe anxiety disorder since childhood. Wanted to CTB since 12.

But I literally cannot do it because my mother would go insane from sorrow. I don't live with her, but I'm the only person she has. Me dying before the 90 year old grandma dies would destroy her completely. I could barely imagine what it would cause to her and what she would become.

This weighs on me insanely heavy. I am chained and bound to suffer because if I decide to stop suffering, it would put another person into grave.

I don't even have control over my own existence. I exist simply because I'm waiting for her to die to be free.

Please share with me your thoughts.

I can empathize with your situation. I stuck around because I knew my mom needed me. She lived alone in a big old house, but she didn't drive, and I was all she had. I knew that if I CTB it would kill her, and that wouldn't be fair, because she was one of the people on this planet that wanted to live. She's passed now, a couple years ago, and there's nothing holding me back anymore. Well, just trying to tie up some loose ends in my life. She was the one thing keeping me here because she needed me. It's funny how powerful it can be to be needed. when the need ends, though, and no one else in this world needs you, it's a very surreal feeling. I guess the need goes along with love. When my mom was alive, for 55 years of my life, I always knew, every single minute of every single day, that I was loved. Now, with her passing, there isn't a single person in this world who loves me. I don't even love myself. Never have. Like with the flip of a switch, it was just all turned off. Being needed is very powerful. It can get you through some pretty tough moments. But, when it's gone, that's when the reality sets in.

 

[CTB2023]

you shouldn't let your mother dictate your existence. CTB too..

 

[Orbitc]

I've seen similarly themed threads already, sorry if this is repetitive.

But I need to share my story. My mom is a single mother in her 60s and she is taking care of her 90 year old mother.

I suffer from severe anxiety disorder since childhood. Wanted to CTB since 12.

But I literally cannot do it because my mother would go insane from sorrow. I don't live with her, but I'm the only person she has. Me dying before the 90 year old grandma dies would destroy her completely. I could barely imagine what it would cause to her and what she would become.

This weighs on me insanely heavy. I am chained and bound to suffer because if I decide to stop suffering, it would put another person into grave.

I don't even have control over my own existence. I exist simply because I'm waiting for her to die to be free.

I envy you - because at least you love your mother and she is important to you and you are ready to suffer in order not to disappoint her. It's good to have someone in your life that you love. You should appreciate it. I hate my mother, she is a moronic drug addict scum. The only person I love and care about is a stray cat that I feed. It gives me some joy because I'm making her life a little better. It's the only thing that fills my miserable life with meaning. A cat had kittens a month ago, but I don't know where their nest is, they will probably grow up completely wild (((

 

[BlazingBob]

I don't give a rat's ass how my ctb will affect my mom just like she didn't care about how my violent alcoholic narcissist dad's abuse affected her kids. I mean the guy broke both of my hands for crying out loud. She should've and could've gotten us out of there but she turned a blind eye because she liked having money. Then there's the fact she never told me she loved me or hugged me or showed any kind of affection or encouragement growing up, ever. She did tell me how much she regretted having kids. One of her favorites was telling me I was a terrible rotten person and that people only liked me because I was a phony and a kiss ass. Even to this day she's just hostile. She can be decent at times but her resentment over my existence is always lurking under the surface. Then there's the drugs but that's another story. Then there's the fact she lies through her teeth and pitting me and my brothers against each other. Again, how she deals with me ctb, not my problem.

 

[Unending]

I'm in a very similar situation. I'm literally waiting for my parents to die like clockwork. Every day I think about when I can finally go and it really is just an absolutely terrible situation. I don't think that I owe this to them but I still am aware of how much pain my suicide would cause so I've made the decision to stick it out longer and longer for them.

My mom is always getting older and her mom is getting even older so that weighs into the equation for me as well. I can't wait till I can go without guilt, without worry; I just can't wait until when I can go peacefully.

 

[epicdude]

I can empathize with your situation. I stuck around because I knew my mom needed me. She lived alone in a big old house, but she didn't drive, and I was all she had. I knew that if I CTB it would kill her, and that wouldn't be fair, because she was one of the people on this planet that wanted to live. She's passed now, a couple years ago, and there's nothing holding me back anymore. Well, just trying to tie up some loose ends in my life. She was the one thing keeping me here because she needed me. It's funny how powerful it can be to be needed. when the need ends, though, and no one else in this world needs you, it's a very surreal feeling. I guess the need goes along with love. When my mom was alive, for 55 years of my life, I always knew, every single minute of every single day, that I was loved. Now, with her passing, there isn't a single person in this world who loves me. I don't even love myself. Never have. Like with the flip of a switch, it was just all turned off. Being needed is very powerful. It can get you through some pretty tough moments. But, when it's gone, that's when the reality sets in.

Thank you very much for your reply. I should say, it may be in bad taste, but I envy you. In my eyes, you have freedom. I hope and wait that some day my mom passes away thinking I'm alive and happy. And then I will be free.

I'm in a very similar situation. I'm literally waiting for my parents to die like clockwork. Every day I think about when I can finally go and it really is just an absolutely terrible situation. I don't think that I owe this to them but I still am aware of how much pain my suicide would cause so I've made the decision to stick it out longer and longer for them.

My mom is always getting older and her mom is getting even older so that weighs into the equation for me as well. I can't wait till I can go without guilt, without worry; I just can't wait until when I can go peacefully.

Thank you for responding to me. At least we don't have to wait until we ourselves die of natural causes. My mom is 63 and in bad health. I love her very much, but without her my life would lose meaning and thus it will set me free to end it gracefully and without the horrible weight of guilt. I think I will CTB shortly after burying her. That thought gives me at least a bit of ease. Let's just hold on until that happens.

 

[_Alfarooq_]

I've seen similarly themed threads already, sorry if this is repetitive.

But I need to share my story. My mom is a single mother in her 60s and she is taking care of her 90 year old mother.

I suffer from severe anxiety disorder since childhood. Wanted to CTB since 12.

But I literally cannot do it because my mother would go insane from sorrow. I don't live with her, but I'm the only person she has. Me dying before the 90 year old grandma dies would destroy her completely. I could barely imagine what it would cause to her and what she would become.

This weighs on me insanely heavy. I am chained and bound to suffer because if I decide to stop suffering, it would put another person into grave.

I don't even have control over my own existence. I exist simply because I'm waiting for her to die to be free.

Please share with me your thoughts.

I'm concerned how people who want to CTB still care about their mother so much. After all, she is part of the reason they even exist.

 

[Sunset Limited]

I am still alive for my mother. I can feel you.

 

[suicidaleeyore]

Just want you to know we are in quite similar situations. I've also been suicidal since I was 12, I am 23 now. I have tried multiple times and almost succeeded. I have people I love/care about but the literal only reason I'm still here is cause of my mum. I think everyone else will be quite sad but will find ways to move on. However my sister died from cancer just before I was born. It wrecked my mum, even became suicidal. Apparently I'm the reason she didn't do anything. I fear what my death would do to her. I truly love her so much and I think she deserves the entire world. I fear what might happen to her

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm in a similar boat to you- except I'm holding on for my Dad. I'm sure it would devastate him if I did it while he is still here. There's not much I can say really- other than- you're not alone. It has to be up to you at the end of the day. How much you feel you can cope with. I'm just hoping I have enough strength to tread water until my time comes and- then I hope I have enough guts to go ahead with it.

 

[epicdude]

I'm concerned how people who want to CTB still care about their mother so much. After all, she is part of the reason they even exist.

For me, I don't harbor so much hatred for her to subjugate her to a miserable death alone in mental illness. I was born by her, and it cannot be undone. Yes, existence caused me misery, her being the root cause, the beginning of my life. But I'm bound and shackled to her. Maybe if I had a full family and successful siblings it would be easier for me to CTB. But I just can't bring myself to throw her in a torture for a remainder of her life.

 

[_Alfarooq_]

For me, I don't harbor so much hatred for her to subjugate her to a miserable death alone in mental illness. I was born by her, and it cannot be undone. Yes, existence caused me misery, her being the root cause, the beginning of my life. But I'm bound and shackled to her. Maybe if I had a full family and successful siblings it would be easier for me to CTB. But I just can't bring myself to throw her in a torture for a remainder of her life.

As for me, I don't think I'm ever going to care about affecting anyone. I'm existing in this world only for me to be given grief and reminded about other peoples successes and I know that I will never succeed in life like those people. Surprisingly I'm Born in a family which are so talented yet I am a procrastinator and it has gotten so bad and I don't belong in this family because I'm not talented and passionate to succeed like them. I just want to die.