Venting Can’t cope with this anymore

[inmyhead]

So I have BPD. Got diagnosed with it when I was 23, I am 31 now. But I have struggled with it as far back as I can remember.

I have been going through a mental health crisis that started brewing about a year ago, and got worse in September last year. I continued to plummet and then had a terrible episode in March. Since then I've just continued to sink. I then got dumped and that's triggered me into just not wanting to be here anymore.

I've been having suicidal thoughts since September last year. Been ready to go now for the last month but SI keeps kicking in.

Except today I actually had a good day! and yesterday too! I was singing along to happy music and thought hey, maybe this isn't so bad. Maybe I can hold off on my plan to CTB.

Except since then I've just crashed. It's my exes birthday weekend, I know he will be out with his friends tonight. I know he was out last weekend and fucked someone. We live in a very small place and word gets out quickly. Tomorrow is his actual birthday. I was meant to spend the day with him making him feel special. I was meant to be out with him tonight.

I feel like my chest is being ripped out and that I have third degree burns in my heart. Monday is my plan for CTB as I will be alone all day. I have everything ready to go, I'm planning full suspension.

I just want to leave this cruel place because I can't cope with my intense emotions anymore.

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm sorry you are going through all of this, life Really can suck..... * sometimes * Just try and remember that you Deserve Better than him, he's not Worth your time. To heck with that dude, ( even though I know it's easier said than done)

Thoughts and prayers to you in whatever may happen- ♥

 

[FuneralCry]

It really does sound so awful what you have to endure, existing here truly is so horrible so I hope that you find freedom from your suffering.

 

[inmyhead]

I'm sorry you are going through all of this, life Really can suck..... * sometimes * Just try and remember that you Deserve Better than him, he's not Worth your time. To heck with that dude, ( even though I know it's easier said than done)

Thoughts and prayers to you in whatever may happen- ♥

Thank you. That helps a little. I really thought he was potentially the one. But obviously not. Just devastated and I can't handle my constant up and down emotions either.

It really does sound so awful what you have to endure, existing here truly is so horrible so I hope that you find freedom from your suffering.

Thank you. 3 days until I can attempt again and I'm counting down.

 

[neurotic]

I just joined today and this is the first post I've seen. How long ago did your break up happen? Were you already considering suicide before it happened?

 

[ladylord]

May you find peace and can finally be free from this emotional pain .