Cant cbt because of my religion (part 2) (vent)

[cantdoitcuzimmuslim]

Hello, this is related to my previous post about my religion preventing me from ctb.
This will probably be my last post here, and it will be quiet a long one, if you do read it then i hope this interests you!

I first want to talk about what life is in my religion. According to what I have been taught, life is a test to see if you can have faith and if you do succeed you get rewarded heaven, and if you fail you will be punished in hell.
But, i always ask my self and God this, "Dear god, why create me to test me but i dont want to be tested and live this misery"
And of-course saying this is prohibited.
The reason why suicide is a major sin in Islam is because they say that God has "gifted" you your soul and body, just for you to throw it away and kill yourself without God's will. But if i give a example in real life,
A student will be tested but thats if he decided and wants to he tested, and if not he wont be punished by dropping out. I know this may seem very different and stupid but its an idea or an image of what i feel. I feel like why would he create me just to put me into this misery and then if i fail to survive this misery then i go into a neverending hell. I always ask my self this, but i will never get an answer, because unlike the past or the times of our prophet, where you could get the perfect most true answer, now we just depend on ancient books and scholars, but even them have different answers. I am stuck in this confusing and loop of understanding why life and why like this.

I am no-where saying that i am ungrateful, there are people going through much worst than me, people going through war and poverty. But i am not saying my life is the happiest or best.

I am very disappointed and sad that i am in the state where the only thing keeping me alive is something that is in the after-life.
This basically means i have died inside but just alive physically. I dont know if things will get better, i am still young and still have not experienced much in my life, but at this state i really dont want to know more. Nobody knows i am in this state and i dont want anybody to.

Actually somebody does, but that somebody isnt here anymore, alot of people would tell me "Go do a hobby, go to the gym" and i have tried everything possible but i barely have the motivation to wake up.

Wishes… everybody has their wishes, and i do too, i wish i was rich, i wish i had my love of my life. But the only true wish that i would do anything for is the wish that such thing isnt so bad in my religion. I wish you could just be free and in peace.

I am already convinced that i will never cbt, that is i keep thinking or dreaming about hanging from a rope or shooting my self, and instead of feeling sadness and crying, i feel peace and calmness, knowing how i wouldnt have to worry about anything.

Plan. My plan is to continue living this misery in the loop of hoping, hoping that something changes, i understand that i am still young, and yes things could change, but i have been waiting for a while.

Please do not try to tell me otherwise about my religion, I am a true believer and loyal believer, i believe in everything about my religion, and that is why i am alive still. If i had doubts about it, i would be 6 feet underground. I respect everybody's beliefs and I hope you guys respect mine.

I hope that everything gets better, because the jealousy i get seeing people not having to live with this fear, is just painful.
If you have read till now, i hope you understand how i am feeling, Goodbye.

 

[orca87]

There are so many religions out there. Impossible that all are right.

But all share some life wisdom. It's just the stories that they built around it that differ. But all the texts deal with normal life situations like grief, betrayal, belonging, family, moral…

How would you teach that to a child? Probably with some cartoon characters… personifications. If you want to be extra authoritative, make the cartoon characters all-seeing and immortal. Congrats, you have a religion.

As for death… it's just hard to imagine "nothing" — Buddhism is an entire religion basically just around this concept. What is after the edge of the universe? What happens after death? We just can't imagine "nothing" because there are always electrons in our brain. And yet, we experience nothing every night when we sleep. That's death. Electrons out.

Purpose, soul, meaning, … all of these ideas are just to keep us from going crazy. And yet, the Illusion ends for anybody…

And: if your life is a test given to you by "god" to test you — why not take the opportunity to make your life's duty about testing "him"?

 

[cantdoitcuzimmuslim]

There are so many religions out there. Impossible that all are right.

But all share some life wisdom. It's just the stories that they built around it that differ. But all the texts deal with normal life situations like grief, betrayal, belonging, family, moral…

How would you teach that to a child? Probably with some cartoon characters… personifications. If you want to be extra authoritative, make the cartoon characters all-seeing and immortal. Congrats, you have a religion.

As for death… it's just hard to imagine "nothing" — Buddhism is an entire religion basically just around this concept. What is after the edge of the universe? What happens after death? We just can't imagine "nothing" because there are always electrons in our brain. And yet, we experience nothing every night when we sleep. That's death. Electrons out.

Purpose, soul, meaning, … all of these ideas are just to keep us from going crazy. And yet, the Illusion ends for anybody…

And: if your life is a test given to you by "god" to test you — why not take the opportunity to make your life's duty about testing "him"?

I am stuck with this fear and feeling, this feeling that even if do stay alive and not kill my self, will i even be granted heaven? what if after all of thus misery i still go to this hell i have been avoiding.

I can understand what you are saying, but i currently have no doubts that my religion is false, even if religion may seem like a human made scam, i still believe in my god and will always do, i just wish he made it easier for me. And about the testing him, we cant test God because we believe that God is perfect. even tho i have so many unanswerable questions like how was he even made, how this and how that, i still believe in him and i will always have this fear.

 

[orca87]

If you go to hell after CTB — would that be worse than the hell you experience on earth?

And how could a spot in heaven be reserved to you if you're not doing good in this life but waste it by grieving about not being able to CTB?

And what is there is neither heaven nor hell but just nothing?

 

[WorthlessCoward]

Good thing I am a Lovecraftian and Cthulhu doesn't really care what I do

 

[cantdoitcuzimmuslim]

If you go to hell after CTB — would that be worse than the hell you experience on earth?

And how could a spot in heaven be reserved to you if you're not doing good in this life but waste it by grieving about not being able to CTB?

And what is there is neither heaven nor hell but just nothing?

to answer the first question, iv always hated this life and i always thought it was equivalent to hell, but the way the Holy Quran and the people who taught me described hell gave me this unremovable fear of it and that is why i have it.

Second question, i am doing my best, I pray all the needed prayers and fast and most importantly have faith, which is what is most important, but the amount of arguments about what is prohibited and what is not, and i am not a perfect muslim, i sin and i sin alot so i am afraid, but they say that God merciful and forgiving, but how can i know when i cant even get an answer from him.

And for the last question i honestly have no idea, people say that you will have to go either one of them but i cant be sure.

 

[orca87]

Here is another one: if you never can get an answer from him how can you be sure he shows mercy for your sins but wouldn't show mercy if you ctb?

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally find the thought of death to be very comforting as I believe that we simply cease to exist after this, but it must be awful dealing with those fears, I'm sorry that you suffer.

 

[cantdoitcuzimmuslim]

Here is another one: if you never can get an answer from him how can you be sure he shows mercy for your sins but wouldn't show mercy if you ctb?

because that is what He and his prophets said.

I personally find the thought of death to be very comforting as I believe that we simply cease to exist after this, but it must be awful dealing with those fears, I'm sorry that you suffer.

dont be sorry its not your fault, but i guess its alright right? haha

 

[imcurious]

Ramadan Mubarak. I am really glad I found your posts. It makes me feel like I am not crazy for feeling suicidal and depressed during this holy month.

I understand how you feel. I am torn by this idea that I will be condemned to hell if I CTB. I also grew up in an Islamic household.

I completed umrah last December. One of my wishes were that Allah would make my life a little bit easier. I wished for a stronger mind, but mostly I wished for peace. I just wanted the darkness to go away.

I kneeled to the ground and prayed everyday. I prayed in the rain in front of the Al-Haram in Mecca. I put my head and hands directly on the Ka 'bah, praying that Allah can hear me and that maybe my wish for inner peace will come true.

I don't know if the wish has been granted, as I still feel the same way as I did (if not, worse) than before I completed umrah.

I send you love and happiness. I will make dua for you too.

 

[Oblivion]

As an ex Muslim that used to be devout, i'm sorry to tell you this, but we've been lied to all our lives, the things you believe in i believed in one day, it's all bullshit. if it works for you then good for you.
What kind of god would say that music is forbidden and evil? how can something as beautiful as this can be evil?

 

[cantdoitcuzimmuslim]

Ramadan Mubarak. I am really glad I found your posts. It makes me feel like I am not crazy for feeling suicidal and depressed during this holy month.

I understand how you feel. I am torn by this idea that I will be condemned to hell if I CTB. I also grew up in an Islamic household.

I completed umrah last December. One of my wishes were that Allah would make my life a little bit easier. I wished for a stronger mind, but mostly I wished for peace. I just wanted the darkness to go away.

I kneeled to the ground and prayed everyday. I prayed in the rain in front of the Al-Haram in Mecca. I put my head and hands directly on the Ka 'bah, praying that Allah can hear me and that maybe my wish for inner peace will come true.

I don't know if the wish has been granted, as I still feel the same way as I did (if not, worse) than before I completed umrah.

I send you love and happiness. I will make dua for you too.

mashallah wow, i am honestly relieved to find somebody who feels the same way, i am so happy for you for your achievements, i wish to go to mecca soon too! I do also hope allah will make things better for us as the state i an right now is at the lowest. Inshallah you will find the peace you will be looking for.

Ramadan Mubarak. I am really glad I found your posts. It makes me feel like I am not crazy for feeling suicidal and depressed during this holy month.

I understand how you feel. I am torn by this idea that I will be condemned to hell if I CTB. I also grew up in an Islamic household.

I completed umrah last December. One of my wishes were that Allah would make my life a little bit easier. I wished for a stronger mind, but mostly I wished for peace. I just wanted the darkness to go away.

I kneeled to the ground and prayed everyday. I prayed in the rain in front of the Al-Haram in Mecca. I put my head and hands directly on the Ka 'bah, praying that Allah can hear me and that maybe my wish for inner peace will come true.

I don't know if the wish has been granted, as I still feel the same way as I did (if not, worse) than before I completed umrah.

I send you love and happiness. I will make dua for you too.

but i have a question, would you cbt if nothing was left and you knew you will not do anything in life? I have the fear of jahanam and i wish suicide was not as bad as it is, i wish we had our right to decide wether we want to stay in this dunya and be tested or we could pray our last prayers and say goodbye.

 

[Darkover]

religious indoctrination is a form of child abuse and brainwashing ever wonder why the vast majority of religious beliefs are born into their religion once something is imprinted on you that it occurs at a specific point in someone's life, usually beginning the moment they are born, pepole don't choose their region their born into it, religions are the greatest hoax of mankind. And yes it is because of the fear of hell and the desire to go to heaven. sorry to say but death is the end for all time, Life itself is temporary. Every single thing in this planet is temporary. We humans are temporary and so are our loved ones.

 

[Rotting Sprout]

You should do what you want to, you shouldn't live just because of your religion.

 

[cantdoitcuzimmuslim]

You should do what you want to, you shouldn't live just because of your religion.

But my religion is the one controlling my life, my life would have been way different without my religion.

religious indoctrination is a form of child abuse and brainwashing ever wonder why the vast majority of religious beliefs are born into their religion once something is imprinted on you that it occurs at a specific point in someone's life, usually beginning the moment they are born, pepole don't choose their region their born into it, religions are the greatest hoax of mankind. And yes it is because of the fear of hell and the desire to go to heaven. sorry to say but death is the end for all time, Life itself is temporary. Every single thing in this planet is temporary. We humans are temporary and so are our loved ones.

I get what you are trying to say, but i cant leave it, it is what i believe.

 

[Sparr0w]

i would like to believe, if any god was real, that they would know and understand your mind enough to forgive you for comitting suicide, and praise you for how long you lived despite your pain.

of course, i'm not sure my opinion is worth much as an atheist, but maybe it'll give you some comfort :)

 

[cantdoitcuzimmuslim]

i would like to believe, if any god was real, that they would know and understand your mind enough to forgive you for comitting suicide, and praise you for how long you lived despite your pain.

of course, i'm not sure my opinion is worth much as an atheist, but maybe it'll give you some comfort :)

I see what you mean, now that would be the case and i have thought about it that way, as in they say God is merciful and kind and forgiving, but he has stated multiple times and so did His messenger saying that people who commit suicide will be punished in hell the same way they killed them selves, and they will be cursed, and the Prophet will not pray for you, basically treating u like u never believed in God, and this really makes me sad, as in i am forced to live like this and cannot do anything about it.

 

[imcurious]

but i have a question, would you cbt if nothing was left and you knew you will not do anything in life? I have the fear of jahanam and i wish suicide was not as bad as it is, i wish we had our right to decide wether we want to stay in this dunya and be tested or we could pray our last prayers and say goodbye.

I think so, yes. If I felt like there was truly nothing left for me (love, fulfilling career, friendship), then I suspect I would not not have much courage to continue living. Love friendship and family are so important to me. If I didn't have those things then nothing would personally be worth living for.

Much of the reason I haven't CTB is because of age, my SI, and of course my fear of jahanam. Which pain is more worth it? The pain in this dunya or the pain in jahanam? It must be that the pain in jahanam is worse.. therefore I can't go.

I understand you that you feel trapped. But Inshallah you will find the mental peace you search for. At least I hope you will.

 

[mistyZombie]

I could not relate more to your post. I am not Muslim, my religion is Judaism and I am devout too. I struggle a lot with my bad thoughts that contradict my religion-- it is forbidden to CTB in Judiasm. You will go to hell (Gehenom) and this i fear the most.
i feel like a nothing in this world, and everything seems to me futile and meaningless. i think the only reason why i am still alive is my religion. many times i thought of harming myself but any form of self harm is forbidden as well. i hope we all find peace somehow.

 

[Blue_mist]

As a Muslim i believe that even if I commit suicide and die testifying that there is only one God and believe in other Abrahamic religions, I'd have 2 possibilities, first be forgiven and go directly to heaven or second go to heaven after being punished for a certain time.
The only thing I can't grasp my mind around is why God would test me when my fate was already determined by him before I was born.

 

[Oblivion]

As a Muslim i believe that even if I commit suicide and die testifying that there is only one God and believe in other Abrahamic religions, I'd have 2 possibilities, first be forgiven and go directly to heaven or second go to heaven after being punished for a certain time.
The only thing I can't grasp my mind around is why God would test me when my fate was already determined by him before I was born.

one of the very first questions that made me realize how much bullshit islam is, as any other religion, a god that knows the future, still creates creatures he knows that he will send to torture in hell and yet he does that, and calls himself al rahman al raheem, all merciful, religion is man made, trust me.

 

[Blue_mist]

one of the very first questions that made me realize how much bullshit islam is, as any other religion, a god that knows the future, still creates creatures he knows that he will send to torture in hell and yet he does that, and calls himself al rahman al raheem, all merciful, religion is man made, trust me.

I respect your point of view and yeah it does not make sense to me, since he knows what happened, happening, and will happen, what's the point of creating humans and punish them when they have no choice of their destiny