Can you remember when you started feeling suicidal?

[eyes0nfire]

Hi All,

Hope you are doing as well as possible. I recently had a conversation with a friend and it struck me that suicidal thoughts maybe aren't normal. I can't remember the first time I experienced these or what they looked like, I can't really imagine my life without them- but wondering if anyone else can?

 

[edu0z]

I was also surprised when I talked to my friends and they confessed to me they had never had suicidal thoughts... I want to die since the end of elementary school and I came to know what suicide was for the first time when I was 13 or 14 years old.

 

[tieiwi]

I wanted to die since I was younger than 9. It was only until I was older, I can't remember exactly when, that I learned about the concept of suicide.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

It's possible I could have felt this way before but the first time I sort of felt suicidal was when I was 11 and my parents were beginning to separate.

 

[CryWolf]

I remember being truly happy in my life only from ages 8 and under. I remember starting to feel sad and have bad memories after that (lots of missing gaps though) and I distinctly remember deciding I wanted to kill myself or be dead by age 12.
I recall getting yelled at because I would unbuckle my seat-belt everytime I was in my parents car, to ensure I would die if the car crashed.
I believe there is probably a strong correlation with entering public school, as well as with childhood abuse/trauma and entering puberty. (Particularly for women)

 

[Deformationalplagio]

Hi All,

Hope you are doing as well as possible. I recently had a conversation with a friend and it struck me that suicidal thoughts maybe aren't normal. I can't remember the first time I experienced these or what they looked like, I can't really imagine my life without them- but wondering if anyone else can?

When i heard my deformity was unfixable. Ever since i havent been happy

 

[ashfall]

I knew that I likely had suicidal thoughts more than the average person but it wasn't until I talked to a friend a while back that I realised some people have never considered suicide at all. It seemed ridiculous to me. I've had feelings of life being worthless and wanting to die since the age of ten - I always just assumed it was a part of life and growing up. When I said it to my mum when I was very young she just told me everyone has bad days. I thought thinking about how great death is was just part of the human experience. It's hard to comprehend that some people have never thought about it even in passing. I'll always be jealous of them. Once you realise how stupid and painful life is it's hard to go back to wanting to live.

I only actively became suicidal a few years ago - when I realised that my head was never going to work like other people's and everything would always be hard for me. Also when the surgery I tried to fix my deformity failed. I realised I wasn't smart, pretty or sociable and I hated living so what was the point? It's gone down hill from there

 

[Nati]

My parents say already at kindergarten I was a bit "down". But.. at about 9yo I remember really disliking life and saying I want to die and kill myself.
Had ADD and depression so didn't want to go to school and didn't have much friends.
Up until 17yo I still went to different therapists, took different pills tried different treatments.. then, I remember trying a new school hoping this time it would be different. After 4 days I remember clearly that I had a realization and told myself "I can't even make a week in this place. I don't enjoy anything, I suffered most of my life.. I'm suicidal. One day I'll take my own life.".
Today I'm 21.. nothing changed since 2017. Probably was in my bed most of these years…

 

[someonelse]

I knew that I likely had suicidal thoughts more than the average person but it wasn't until I talked to a friend a while back that I realised some people have never considered suicide at all. It seemed ridiculous to me. I've had feelings of life being worthless and wanting to die since the age of ten - I always just assumed it was a part of life and growing up. When I said it to my mum when I was very young she just told me everyone has bad days. I thought thinking about how great death is was just part of the human experience. It's hard to comprehend that some people have never thought about it even in passing. I'll always be jealous of them. Once you realise how stupid and painful life is it's hard to go back to wanting to live.

I only actively became suicidal a few years ago - when I realised that my head was never going to work like other people's and everything would always be hard for me. Also when the surgery I tried to fix my deformity failed. I realised I wasn't smart, pretty or sociable and I hated living so what was the point? It's gone down hill from there

I had a boyfriend in college (I'm 44 now so this was a long time ago) and I literally couldn't believe he had never thought of suicide. Not once he said. Like you, I had until that point assumed that everyone thought about killing themselves. But I guess there are those lucky/blessed souls among us who never think about it. The world wasn't such a horrible place back then (The 90s) so maybe it's different now I don't know. I've been thinking about ctb for over thirty years at this point I'd say. The first I remember was when I first became a teenager. I don't remember having suicidal thoughts before then.

 

[Squalo]

when I was 6, my mother attempted suicide and was saved by a miracle, that was the beginning of it all.

 

[Of The Universe]

Yes. It was a bad time.

 

[Foresight]

I didn't feel it as a small child. I was a little fighter that was determined to do well in spite of my father who set me up to fail. I had my first massive breakdown at 16 and my first and most valiant attempt was at 18. It became daily invasive thoughts by 23. I'm 31 now so over half my life. I'm an overbaked potato.

I wasn't a happy kid though. I remember in third grade I realized people laugh everyday. I didn't know smiling and happiness was a regular part of life. I also knew around that time that I would inevitably abuse drugs to cope.

 

[TerminalConscience]

Only within the year have I seriously thought about or trying to make a plan. However I've felt wanting to die for 15 years at least.

 

[elfin]

not specifically, but i remember writing my first note when i was 12. i didn't go through with it for various reasons, but that was the first time that i came close to actually carrying it out rather than just thinking about it.

 

[Kristicide]

I've had chronic migraine for 20 years. My neurologist and psychiatrist say I'm one of worst patients they've seen - basically daily migraines. Over that time I began having suicidal thoughts because I felt like my life was stolen from me and each day was excruciating painful. My family basically disowned me in 2016 because I didn't share their crazy political views, I lost my job in 2019, and then the pandemic came and the US population/government were/are fighting over everything. The George Floyd murder really upset me and the rise of so much hatred from the right wing. I lost the will to live in society. In Aug 2020 in one full week I attempted suicide 4x and then OD'd waking up in the hospital. After I was released my friends committed me to a psych hospital. I've attempted many times since but don't tell anyone. My next attempt I'm gonna get right - hopefully within a months time.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I have never wanted to be alive. Even when I was very young, I found death to be comforting. I could never quite understand why people wanted to live. I have always struggled to cope with life, I am simply not meant for this world. I think when I got a bit older, that was when I started thinking of ctb. I saw everything as hopeless and I just wanted to escape from this life. I have been suicidal for a long time now and I cannot remember not having thoughts of suicide. Being suicidal is simply who I am.

 

[StarryStarry]

I was about 8 years old. That feeling has never gone away, just gotten stronger.

 

[Sanva]

i was 12, amazes me that some people just go through life without contemplating suicide

 

[LateToParty]

I remember it like it was yesterday, I guess it was first or second grade, so around 6 or 7 years. It was more like a desire to be dead right there right then, rather than active suicidal ideation. Life hasn't exactly changed for better since then.

 

[Ashu]

Thirteen. I made my first attempt days after my fourteenth birthday.

 

[whatevs]

I've had chronic migraine for 20 years. My neurologist and psychiatrist say I'm one of worst patients they've seen - basically daily migraines. Over that time I began having suicidal thoughts because I felt like my life was stolen from me and each day was excruciating painful. My family basically disowned me in 2016 because I didn't share their crazy political views, I lost my job in 2019, and then the pandemic came and the US population/government were/are fighting over everything. The George Floyd murder really upset me and the rise of so much hatred from the right wing. I lost the will to live in society. In Aug 2020 in one full week I attempted suicide 4x and then OD'd waking up in the hospital. After I was released my friends committed me to a psych hospital. I've attempted many times since but don't tell anyone. My next attempt I'm gonna get right - hopefully within a months time.

How curious, part of my suicidal ideation comes from an almost identical place than yours (the social/political aspect), but having the opposite political views. I probably would get along with your relatives, lol!

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I've wanted to die since 11 or 12. I'm still trying to decide if it's a life worth living... or that I'd get more peace (less judgement and isolation) in death. I'm very tired, so much so that it's hard not to keep crying.

 

[drowning]

Since about 9 years old. Existence has perturbed me since. It is painful. I don't know how or why I'm alive apart from the painful anticipation of guilt to my family. It has only gotten worse. When I was a kid, I told my sibling (who was also young at that time, of course), and I remenber that she threatened telling our parents.

 

[Josuyo]

I was about 11 or 12 but I don't think I had any trigger, I've just had a very strong need to die just annoyingly an inability to follow through unless I get into this weird state where I'm just dissociating past the point of stopping myself

 

[MsSelfsabotage]

I was about 18 when I was forced to study something I didn't want to. Forced to do a job I didn't want to. I started self harming and thinking about hanging myself. I had to rebel against my mom and found a way to do/ study something else. Since then my suicidal thoughts come and go.

 

[TheBigGuiltHaver]

Around 7th grade, I didn't understand the complete gravity of the phrase "ending it all" but I knew it felt right, been depressed since 1st grade. I believe the first time I was seriously suicidal was in a horrible relationship, I might have been 19 at the time, snowballed from there.

 

[nfives]

First thought about it shortly after I got raped for the first time, I was around 6 or 7, I think. Only gotten worse since then. Idk how I made it past the teenage years, lmao

 

[ripbug]

i believe my first suicidal thought was in 7th grade, but before that i had an obsession with self sabotaging myself and harmful tendencies which probably foreshadowed those thoughts. my whole elementary school life id randomly cut anyone off even if they were my best friend just to feel bad for myself. i also just knew it was better if i had no one there for me. i enjoyed being mad and id make any reason for me to be angry. id make myself obsess over anything that really hurt me and made me sad just to keep that feeling of distress in my heart. i did this from as young as 4th grade. i never saw an issue with this behavior until i grew up and looked back at the obvious signs.

 

[Looooser]

I was around 15. My mother had abandoned me by age 12 and my dad was abusive. I remember my dad found his shot gun under my bed and thought I was going to kill him but I wanted to kill myself. He had me committed into a mental hospital for 3 months. He kicked me out of the house shortly after that. That was 35 years ago. It's weird that once your head has gone to suicide that that is the first thought when something bad happens.

 

[Kristicide]

How curious, part of my suicidal ideation comes from an almost identical place than yours (the social/political aspect), but having the opposite political views. I probably would get along with your relatives, lol!

Lol wanna switch families?