Can you imagine/remember your life without suicidal thoughts?

[Nitlott]

Pretty straightforward. I can't remember how life was without the thoughts when I was, say, 6. I know that, at least, thoughts explicitly about suicide weren't there but I can't imagine how it might've felt. Not like I remember my life either way. I have moments when I completely forget about them but a whole life like that? Woah.
Almost everyday I think about suicide one way or another. Most of music I listen to talks about suicide to some extent. My favourite bands and genres they play in literally center their works around suicide and mental health issues. Fortunately the thoughts aren't as uh, serious as they were before. I hope. There're more about suicide as a concept and, if I may, the philosophy of it... Probably sounds pretentious but I don't how to put it in any other way.
I think it has something to do with the fact that suicide and mental health issues became a part of me — well, they are a part of me literally — as a topic that I'm really interested in, the same way as my favourite genre is precious to me. And also with the fact that I do enjoy the feeling of longing/yearning for that melancholy.
Me having/not having them is not a bad or good thing. It's just there, I have the same view on it as on other things in life. But can't lie it is both curious and scary to imagine how it might feel. Fear of the unknown and a little of learnt helplessness, you know

 

[Macedonian1987]

I wasn't suicidal before I was 16 years old. I was friendless and all alone even back then. I've been avoided by everyone all my life, but when I was young that didn't bother me at all. Life was so much better when I wasn't suicidal. I had hopes that this friendlessness is a bad period in life that will somehow miraculously pass on its own. Boy was I dumb back then.

 

[Asya]

You need -1 more posts to view this content

 

[tiokapaws]

I only became suicidal at around 10 or 11 I think. So I have a pretty good recollection of the time beforehand. I was pretty much like a doll and didn't really think much? It's difficult for me to describe and connect to that feeling of empty thought. I get it sometimes now, when I'm really scared and my body and mind will just lock out and freeze and it's like I can't even feel my heart beat in my chest. Some weird type of dissociation idk bruh but yeah thats the way I was living and getting by before I became suicidal/ obsessed with suicide.

Kinda similar to you, it's lowk become a part of me now. And in a way, I wonder if it's helped me be clearer with my emotions on an internal level. Like "oh I feel really crap and that sucks so I'm going to kill myself" or "I feel bad because I want to die" Rather than the before, where I couldn't even understand what I was feeling and other than the unintentional physical reaction of tears, closed out my emotions, even to myself. It was a sad way to be living tbh, dunno how I managed

 

[dreaming]

unfortunately I can't.. I remember self-harming all the way back in elementary school, I genuinely don't even know if it's possible to live without thoughts of suicide, sometimes they're more or less frequent though
I've heard anti-depressants are mixed, some people they help some they don't, if I somehow make it through what I'm feeling now, maybe someday I can find out myself