Venting Can someone tell me wtf is wrong with me?

[johan.liebert]

Im doing internship (training for my future job) in some place… the people i see there.. they are dedicated, they love what they do, and me..? I feel like im somewhere I dont belong, as if someone is forcing me to do what im doing.. emotionally?? Im numb.. ive been rejecting my crushes cause im pretty sure im gonna break their heart cause im emotionally unstable, and i feel really bad. I cant even stay in a certain job more than 1-2 months cause i cant take the staff, maybe bz im very nice and people take advantage of me? Or burnout
My dad yells and makes fun of me n tell me to trust God with everything, I trust him but.. i feel like he threw me into this hell n im not that strong to fight it, I asked him many times to take my life but he didnt. I stopped doing what i used to enjoy doing. I just sit there emprisoned with my thoughts.
And whats worst? In 2 months im gonna start a job, its gonna be overwhelming and i even signed a contract for a year and cant change it. I regret it so much cz i was in my euphoric phase when i signed…

Honestly? Im not scared of ctb but more about the consequences , what if i survived? Became paralyzed or worse than before?? Thats it

 

[FuneralCry]

I'd also fear trying to die going wrong and leading to worse suffering, it's so cruel to me how people cannot just have the option to painlessly cease existing when they wish to without these fears and risks. But anyway I'm sorry you suffer in this cruel existence, I wish you the best.

 

[Nefera]

You're clearly sick mentally, there is nothing wrong with you per say since illnesses is completely normal for humans.

With that said, it still doesn't make it any easier to live with it, have you tried treatment for it before considering CTB?

 

[Worndown]

"God" does not magically fix everything. Sometimes we need to take charge and make that happen.
If coworkers get on your nerves after a few months, it could be anxiety or depression issues. Any chance of seeing someone about that? CTB should really nit be plan A.

Ignore your father as much as possible. Right now he is part of the problem. If you can get basic issues in your life under control, you can deal with him. Until then, try to make him background noise.