Discussion Can someone help me understand this feeling?

[HopefulSleep]

I will ctb next week, I have everything ready but I want to understand a certain feeling.
I don't know how to describe it those compulsions to do things I don't want to but is so hard to resists and makes me feel pain.
I think I have this since I was 13, back then I just felt this need to put a pencil in my eye and this feeling in my mind got worse and I grabbed a pencil and moved it so that it would poke through my eye if I would move it more, it was really close and I stopped myself and went in my room and talked with friends, this repeated sometimes and I didn't understand it at all.
I had those feelings before I realized I got abused but after realizing the abuse it became worse, they weren't about hurting me but hurting others, I hate those impulses to torture others and my mind feels so much pain and I believe I would feel the relieve if I did it, this exact feeling had its peak when I was 15 I think but when I got sexually abused at 16 again it started to become stronger again and now also with my sexual feelings.
What I hate is how close it feels to acting on it, in the past I was always scared the pencil would be in my eye in the next seconds and now I am scared I will hurt others.
It is not normal masochism or sadism this is a really weird thing maybe ocd but with ocd it would just be thoughts and not impulses I think.
I am very happy that this soon stops after taking the sn but I would be interested to know what exactly this is cause therapists couldn't help me with that they just judged me.
I wish I wouldn't have to deal with all this, it is so unfair.

 

[Aisley]

Possibly, to take control of a situation, in where you have been abused, and have an abuser. If you become your abuser, then you have a power equal to that of your abuser.
And there is also an element, sometimes, of attempting to rewrite abuse. Make your own imprint that might make the original grooves go away. They don't.
This is just a guess.

Another guess, from my more current headspace, is in the impulsiveness of the desire. In that, maybe it's a scream for painful thoughts to be stopped. And a pencil in the eye would do that.

 

[HopefulSleep]

Possibly, to take control of a situation, in where you have been abused, and have an abuser. If you become your abuser, then you have a power equal to that of your abuser.
And there is also an element, sometimes, of attempting to rewrite abuse. Make your own imprint that might make the original grooves go away.

The thoughts about hurting others are stronger when I was in situations that felt uncomfortable or when I got abuse.

Another guess, from my more current headspace, is in the impulsiveness of the desire. In that, maybe it's a scream for painful thoughts to be stopped. And a pencil in the eye would do that.

Not only for eyes but I had very strong self harm impulses in the past for example for burning or generelly hot things this need to stick my hand on it and I had to go away from it cause I was scared I would do it.
I don't have self harm impulses much but mostly about hurting others since I realized past abuse and got abused again.

 

[WhyWasIBorn]

Those urges to hurt yourself might be just a common thing that has a name, this article even mentions putting your hand in fire or cutting yourself with a sharp object like you mentioned: https://www.healthline.com/health/call-of-the-void

Whenever I usually pick up a knife from the drawer I have a split second imagination of me slitting my neck open, then I proceed with cutting whatever I was cutting and the thought doesn't stick for longer than a second. I think when we are actively very suicidal these thoughts get enhanced, and are more common with anything that can cause injury.

However on the feeling of hurting others, specifically if they're not directly involved from your past trauma at all aren't great thoughts to have. I hate our species and want all of us gone from the earth, but I'm not going to directly act on physically hurting or ruining random people's lives that could have been mine or yours and causing even more trauma & tragedy than we're already in. Just my thoughts and hope you find some peace soon.

 

[HopefulSleep]

Those urges to hurt yourself might be just a common thing, this article even mentions putting your hand in fire or cutting yourself with a sharp object like you mentioned: https://www.healthline.com/health/call-of-the-void

Even if it is normal it hurts me.

Whenever I usually pick up a knife from the drawer I have a split second imagination of me slitting my neck open or whatever then I proceed with cutting whatever I was doing and the though doesn't usually stick for long. Same with the sink food disposal sticking my hand in it. I think when we are actively suicidal these thoughts get enhanced.

I don't have impulses to hurt myself often anymore.

However on the feeling of hurting others, specifically if they're not directly involved from your past trauma at all aren't great thoughts to have. I hate our species and want all of us gone from existence from the earth, but I'm not going to act on physically hurting or ruining random people's lives that could have been mine or yours and causing even more tragedy than we're already in.

Just knowing something is not good will make it go away.

 

[WhyWasIBorn]

Even if it is normal it hurts me.

I don't have impulses to hurt myself often anymore.

Just knowing something is not good will make it go away.

I know and sorry it hurts you, just trying to make sense of your feelings as you were asking.

 

[Aisley]

The thoughts about hurting others are stronger when I was in situations that felt uncomfortable or when I got abuse.

Not only for eyes but I had very strong self harm impulses in the past for example for burning or generelly hot things this need to stick my hand on it and I had to go away from it cause I was scared I would do it.
I don't have self harm impulses much but mostly about hurting others since I realized past abuse and got abused again.

Either way, hurting yourself or others, could be an attempt to sympathize with or identify as an abuser, which would "put you a level over" the abused (your past self). It's a coping mechanism to deal with shit.

 

[toofargone6969]

It could be a way of coping to feel more in control, even though it makes you feel out of control. I also have intrusive thoughts and a form of ocd so it could be that but honestly no need to put label on it. I'm so sorry you've been so horribly mistreated by other humans which caused these thoughts for you. When I get upset or feel judged or misunderstood by my family or they make me feel bad, I have this urge to smash my head into the wall that's very strong. I'm not sure why exactly but I think it has to do with control.

 

[HopefulSleep]

Either way, hurting yourself or others, could be an attempt to sympathize with or identify as an abuser, which would "put you a level over" the abused (your past self). It's a coping mechanism to deal with shit.

How would hurting myself do that?
WIth hurting others there would be feeling of power but I generelly don't understand why the compulsions are so strong.

It could be a way of coping to feel more in control, even though it makes you feel out of control. I also have intrusive thoughts and a form of ocd so it could be that but honestly no need to put label on it. I'm so sorry you've been so horribly mistreated by other humans which caused these thoughts for you. When I get upset or feel judged or misunderstood by my family or they make me feel bad, I have this urge to smash my head into the wall that's very strong. I'm not sure why exactly but I think it has to do with control.

What I hate is how strong the compulsions can get and when I think about the abuse I watch fictional torture stuff but sadly it doesn't give me relief, I just want to feel better.

 

[Aisley]

How would hurting myself do that?
WIth hurting others there would be feeling of power but I generelly don't understand why the compulsions are so strong.

when you hurt yourself, then You are the one doing it. You are the one in power. Not your actual abuser. And maybe it's also like knowing life would be pain no matter what, but if you deal it out, then this incredibly chaotic force of nature is doled out by your own hands, and the universe gets to make ordered sense again.

I know you ruled out sadism and masochism, but in a similar vein, there are a lot of people who could fall under both categories, and don't care much who's hurt, so long as someone is, even if it's themselves. I've dabbled in both, myself, and known quite a few people who could give or take, and be happy with that.

And the compulsions are so strong because, quite simply, they are compulsions. It's in the name. Sometimes, civilization is a miracle.

 

[HopefulSleep]

when you hurt yourself, then You are the one doing it. You are the one in power. Not your actual abuser. And maybe it's also like knowing life would be pain no matter what, but if you deal it out, then this incredibly chaotic force of nature is doled out by your own hands, and the universe gets to make ordered sense again.

I know you ruled out sadism and masochism, but in a similar vein, there are a lot of people who could fall under both categories, and don't care much who's hurt, so long as someone is, even if it's themselves. I've dabbled in both, myself, and known quite a few people who could give or take, and be happy with that.

And the compulsions are so strong because, quite simply, they are compulsions. It's in the name. Sometimes, civilization is a miracle.

I still don't really understand it and wish it would just stop