Can kill myself yet.

[Lucid.44]

My mom is still alive and i dont want to dissapoint her and be more of a horrible son if she sees me dead. Shes on of the few women or even people that will only love me in my life so im waiting till she die to commit it.
Is anyone like me going through thus situation?
What do you do to cope?

 

[Wake]

I mean just being real if you are fixated on CTBing just as soon as sth happens to your mom then you'll probably do it before anything happens and that's natural you'll be like a ticking bomb who is just consuming bad emotions and locking it inside you until you won't be able to take it and just explode (ctb)

Hey man I know you tried that already but if you really do Care for your mom make her happy travel with her explore new things with her. If you cannot afford then work hard just to make her have a good time with you. Make her proud and at peace

 

[beelzebul]

Yes. My moms have supported me since even before they officially adopted me (technically my grandmoms). They've spent countless hours and crazy amounts of money to make me happy through different therapies, drugs, surgeries, etc. they are trying so hard to give me a life I want to live.

They know I want to die but they're still trying. I wish they'd give up on me so I could leave peacefully, but I'm stuck here for the time being. Sometimes I do get really close. They went to New York for their anniversary and I got to a point where I had fully written a few suicide letters to them and close friends. Heavily considered using their gun to shoot myself. I stopped because of the guilt, but also because I didn't want to ruin their anniversary forever with my selfishness and allow my mom to blame herself for buying a gun in the first place.

And to be honest, I'm not coping well at all. I use ketamine and weed to escape any kind of pain whenever I can.

 

[Lucid.44]

Thats my plan. I want to make my mom happy while shes alive but once shes dead ill do whatever and suicide is gonna be a huge option for me to do.

 

[Final_Choice]

Same, for my mom and little sister. I might CTB before my mom passes but I'm trying to hold on until then, or at least make it seem like an accident that will make it easier for them to accept.

 

[Lucid.44]

I am not the son that my mom deserves after all she has given me i hoped that i was better. More talented, attractive, taller, smart and social. So im not gonna be more of a failure to her and make her sad. No ine else in the world realy cares for me much other than her so if i Ctb myself after her death uts nit much of an impact

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes- the same but I'm hanging on for my Dad. I just see it as treading water really. I don't really even intend to do things that really challenge me anymore. In the past, I've travelled all over for jobs. I tried to learn to drive. I should have tried to do more about my social anxiety and lack of confidence. Now, I'm just trying to negotiate the most painless route through life. Sometimes that does involve doing things I don't want to do to improve the overall situation- like exercise, healthier eating, keeping on top of work and chores. So- on the one hand, I feel more relaxed because I have less ambitions that I'd likely fail anyway but on the other, it's just a reluctant struggle to make sure things don't get worse! There are a few of us here though- holding on for others. Not much but we can support each other in spirit I suppose.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Yes- the same but I'm hanging on for my Dad. I just see it as treading water really. I don't really even intend to do things that really challenge me anymore. In the past, I've travelled all over for jobs. I tried to learn to drive. I should have tried to do more about my social anxiety and lack of confidence. Now, I'm just trying to negotiate the most painless route through life. Sometimes that does involve doing things I don't want to do to improve the overall situation- like exercise, healthier eating, keeping on top of work and chores. So- on the one hand, I feel more relaxed because I have less ambitions that I'd likely fail anyway but on the other, it's just a reluctant struggle to make sure things don't get worse! There are a few of us here though- holding on for others. Not much but we can support each other in spirit I suppose.

Was about to type @Forever Sleep's in the same boat, i think read his/her post about something similar.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Was about to type @Forever Sleep's in the same boat, i think read his/her post about something similar.

Yes, there a few of us here. Some hanging on for parents. Some hanging on for children. Some for pets even. But yes, I'm always moaning about it! Sometimes I wonder just how ready I am to go shortly after my Dad does. That tends to vary day to day.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Yes, there a few of us here. Some hanging on for parents. Some hanging on for children. Some for pets even. But yes, I'm always moaning about it! Sometimes I wonder just how ready I am to go shortly after my Dad does. That tends to vary day to day.

For the record, i dont think you are moaning about it. just factual and all. Part of what makes your posts/replies worth it to read.