This morning was a typical day, nothing unusual happened. It's snowing and it's cold but where I live, it's expected.
I headed to the grocery store and pick up my medication early to avoid the bad traffic that was predicted. I had my airpods in loud as usual to avoid any contact with people, I'm over it, unless I'm getting paid to talk!
I don't know but everyone was overly nice and wanted to chat about something so I had to keep taking my airpods out to engage in simply conversations or ask where something is at or can I reach something. I don't work at Wal-Mart and it was evident by how I was dressed
I headed to the pharmacy and had a ton of medication to pick up and as usual they try to read off my medications and I quickly stop them and pronounce the name of the medication I want and it's usually a pharmacy technician so I always use the hardest name whether it's trade or generic to hurry and shut them up! I don't need my medications blasted for everyone to hear, there is NEVER any privacy at the pharmacy, I usually avoid the lines and go to the drive-thru because of this.
I came home and just began to cry
(Yes, I was playing Evanescence) because it's so comforting to have a band you can understand and wrote an album you totally relate to.
I just cried. I cried because like so many if us we have had some fucked up shut happen to us, some once, some several times but it really doesn't matter because the magnitude of our sadness and pain is the same. Life is so unfair, we never asked for any of this! I take medication twice a day to keep me in a relaxed state (yes, I skipped my dose today) I take a pill at night to help me sleep and as always, I refuse any pschotropic medication besides those. The only peace in life I get is when I sleep, I hate waking up!
Society has taught us that it's not normal to be sad. If we cry too much, they increase our dose. If we talk too much, they will lock us up in psych. The emotions and pain I carry are real and valid, I don't need fixed! I'm simply tired of it all and wish I could sleep forever! I don't care what the Dr's call it anymore, I don't care about the dx anymore, it's real and I'm justified in my feelings!
I work in the medical field and everyday I have to encourage people to take their medications, endure all these medical procedures that I sure as hell would never agree to, and I do it. My employer doesn't pay me to sell my views and options and my oath is of science based and not of mines. I want to tell people so many times, Don't take that medication, refuse that treatment and it's ok to simply let go, but I can't.
I just needed a safe space where I could just drop my raw emotions and be myself today and know I'm surrounded by people who understand, and won't judge me. I'm going to take my medication in a fee but I just want to cry a little and release the pain I hold and keep secret inside everyday. I just want to be me!
I've become such a liar, and so far from who I really am. Everyone see me as such an inspiration, more like an motivational speaker, these people really think I have it put together, they have no clue. I once had a 5150 and I quickly learned to shut up and never say, "I'm ok." Long as you smile and walk fast, people will believe you are part of the "normal" society lol. I turned my ringer off and put my phone on DND, if I turn it off, someone will have the police knocking on my door again, so I can't be missing too long. I simply don't care to hear any of my friends problems, marital issues, children difficulties and financial issues. They shut me up for good so I can barely stomach to hear there issues. My only safe space is here.
I think people will look at me and think, "Wow, that 5150 worked wonderfully on her!" No, it didn't work, but I learned to never be honest again and trust no one. I learned to never set up patterns, I'm unpredictable, I don't answer every call anymore, I pretend to be happy everyday and they simply believe it. Good, now everyone can leave me alone and assume my life is wonderful and I'll continue faking it.
I'm patiently waiting to die. I have no more plans, my attempts never work and I've given up. I don't look forward to the holidays and the New Years. Hopefully this will be over soon.
Sorry this was so long.
Sorry I didn't proof read.
My thoughts are probably scrambled like my mind is right now.
Thank you SS for giving me a safe place to be who I really am. I will forever he thankful for this site
I headed to the grocery store and pick up my medication early to avoid the bad traffic that was predicted. I had my airpods in loud as usual to avoid any contact with people, I'm over it, unless I'm getting paid to talk!
I don't know but everyone was overly nice and wanted to chat about something so I had to keep taking my airpods out to engage in simply conversations or ask where something is at or can I reach something. I don't work at Wal-Mart and it was evident by how I was dressed
I headed to the pharmacy and had a ton of medication to pick up and as usual they try to read off my medications and I quickly stop them and pronounce the name of the medication I want and it's usually a pharmacy technician so I always use the hardest name whether it's trade or generic to hurry and shut them up! I don't need my medications blasted for everyone to hear, there is NEVER any privacy at the pharmacy, I usually avoid the lines and go to the drive-thru because of this.
I came home and just began to cry
(Yes, I was playing Evanescence) because it's so comforting to have a band you can understand and wrote an album you totally relate to.I just cried. I cried because like so many if us we have had some fucked up shut happen to us, some once, some several times but it really doesn't matter because the magnitude of our sadness and pain is the same. Life is so unfair, we never asked for any of this! I take medication twice a day to keep me in a relaxed state (yes, I skipped my dose today) I take a pill at night to help me sleep and as always, I refuse any pschotropic medication besides those. The only peace in life I get is when I sleep, I hate waking up!
Society has taught us that it's not normal to be sad. If we cry too much, they increase our dose. If we talk too much, they will lock us up in psych. The emotions and pain I carry are real and valid, I don't need fixed! I'm simply tired of it all and wish I could sleep forever! I don't care what the Dr's call it anymore, I don't care about the dx anymore, it's real and I'm justified in my feelings!
I work in the medical field and everyday I have to encourage people to take their medications, endure all these medical procedures that I sure as hell would never agree to, and I do it. My employer doesn't pay me to sell my views and options and my oath is of science based and not of mines. I want to tell people so many times, Don't take that medication, refuse that treatment and it's ok to simply let go, but I can't.
I just needed a safe space where I could just drop my raw emotions and be myself today and know I'm surrounded by people who understand, and won't judge me. I'm going to take my medication in a fee but I just want to cry a little and release the pain I hold and keep secret inside everyday. I just want to be me!
I've become such a liar, and so far from who I really am. Everyone see me as such an inspiration, more like an motivational speaker, these people really think I have it put together, they have no clue. I once had a 5150 and I quickly learned to shut up and never say, "I'm ok." Long as you smile and walk fast, people will believe you are part of the "normal" society lol. I turned my ringer off and put my phone on DND, if I turn it off, someone will have the police knocking on my door again, so I can't be missing too long. I simply don't care to hear any of my friends problems, marital issues, children difficulties and financial issues. They shut me up for good so I can barely stomach to hear there issues. My only safe space is here.
I think people will look at me and think, "Wow, that 5150 worked wonderfully on her!" No, it didn't work, but I learned to never be honest again and trust no one. I learned to never set up patterns, I'm unpredictable, I don't answer every call anymore, I pretend to be happy everyday and they simply believe it. Good, now everyone can leave me alone and assume my life is wonderful and I'll continue faking it.
I'm patiently waiting to die. I have no more plans, my attempts never work and I've given up. I don't look forward to the holidays and the New Years. Hopefully this will be over soon.
Sorry this was so long.
Sorry I didn't proof read.
My thoughts are probably scrambled like my mind is right now.
Thank you SS for giving me a safe place to be who I really am. I will forever he thankful for this site
