im not open about my suicidality but i dont bother to mask my miserable nature usually. i think my family member realized something was wrong last week because they pulled me off to the side and asked if i had an emergency or needed the hospital, that if they had any concerns that i'd ctb they would take me to the er or if i were violent to myself take me to involuntary hold and continued to tell me about the types of people i'd be forced to live with to try and scare me i guess. i don't know what about my behavior implied this, perhaps my withdrawing but i do have avpd and hold resentment for the trauma my family put my through so there's no reason to leave my room besides for food anyways.
but i did have an emergency. i was scared and actually wanted to go to the hospital. but my body froze and repeatedly said i'm fine because there was no way i could admit it and now i feel stupid. i said no because we're all broke and jobless. i don't have any access to proper medical care, i'm starting college soon and couldn't handle debt when i have that, haven't even had my first job yet and haven't begun a proper adult life. i simply said no and that i'd wait for proper help despite the wait killing me mentally. i hope this is understandable. if you would have acted differently and taken the offer up in the moment, then i'm sorry for my stupidity. my existence is a constant cry for help and i live in fear too scared to even ctb but i have nothing to live for. i'm just pissed at whatever higher being decided to put me here without my consent
but i did have an emergency. i was scared and actually wanted to go to the hospital. but my body froze and repeatedly said i'm fine because there was no way i could admit it and now i feel stupid. i said no because we're all broke and jobless. i don't have any access to proper medical care, i'm starting college soon and couldn't handle debt when i have that, haven't even had my first job yet and haven't begun a proper adult life. i simply said no and that i'd wait for proper help despite the wait killing me mentally. i hope this is understandable. if you would have acted differently and taken the offer up in the moment, then i'm sorry for my stupidity. my existence is a constant cry for help and i live in fear too scared to even ctb but i have nothing to live for. i'm just pissed at whatever higher being decided to put me here without my consent
I'm sorry for feel like this. I'm older than you because I've already graduated college and trust me, I know how you feel. Deciding to get help is definitely something I recommend to everyone! Least try it out and see if it beneficial for YOU. Sometimes talk therapy maybe enough, some people need medication, but definitely give it a try. I'm sure you aren't happy by your post and if there is a chance you could be happier in this life just to maintain, then please try. They have all sorts of programs depending on what country you live in. Maybe getting help will help you, maybe it won't, but least you have tried. Best wishes to you
