One thing you have going for you is you're aware of your faults. Unlike some people, you aren't here blaming the world for your problems.
Self awareness also means you're in a position to fix your issues. Since you can identify them. So it's really a question of whether you think you're capable of overcoming this.
Your situation sounds very tough. BPD is a menace. Have you tried therapy and medication?
I know it's my fault. I should have addressed the growing infatuation I had for the nephew but I didn't...I let it grow. Before all this happened I had very poor self awareness. I just didn't address or was not aware of my own emotions and thoughts. Which is why I impulsively gave in to desire and love and fell head over heels in love with him. I'm 40 and he was just 19 so you can imagine what low self worth I had to fall in love and place on a pedestal a teenager...from that moment on I listened to everything he said and didn't question it. He became my God. So much so, even with multiple warnings/ signs from the universe that my life is heading towards disaster, I refused to stop. I also shape shifted into a teenage version of myself to please him and then I truly got lost....I can't seem to get back the adult side of me ...the accomplished working professional, the mother and wife. My values shifted along with me and I couldn't anchor myself to anything. I've ruined my chances of a good career because I can't get my confidence back.... I'm like a scared sheep now, afraid of everything even myself.
I have tried therapy and have applied for another 10 sessions. Still waiting for them to get back. I was doing better with therapy. At least I wasn't suicidal.
even if it wasn't against the rules, i would never tell you it is okay to leave
i would suggest that it is your choice, but never straight out tell you not to try
the fact that you have made this thread means you do not really want to go - sure, you want the mental pain to end, but you do not want to die
to me, you have one option left, which i have probably annoyed the crap out of you by telling you so many times. you need to try and forgive yourself
you made a mistake. you have owned up to it. you have a paid a price for multiple years now. that should be more than enough. you do not deserve more pain no matter what you think. try and forgive yourself, and then you may be able to start living again - what do you have to lose? but more importantly, what could you gain?
I feel lost....like I don't know who I am anymore. Self hatred is there but its like without my husband I have no one to tell me who I am anymore. I shape shift into what role is expected of me and thats what I've been doing all these years. Even with the affair I changed my entire self including my likes, dislikes, values, dressing, to be accepted by the affair partner. Now I don't have anyone and it's like I'm empty....not reflecting anything or anyone. I only come alive during interactions with my son but thats it. .apart from that I'm a ghost just drifting through the day.
You're not annoying me....I know you mean well when you tell me to forgive myself, but my issues are not just being able to let go of this and move on. I've lost the cheerful joyful soul I was before all this happened and I can't find her again...I used to have so many people, community around me, my husband was always there, my family. And now no one... there's absolute silence. If anyone does speak to me its about the affair and what I'm going to do with myself for the rest of my life...its become my identity.
Even if I think of forgiving myself and moving on, who'd ever want to be with a person like me who cheated her husband with his own nephew and then clung onto him for dear life even though he was just a teenager.
It seems like your husband (ex?) is being kind to you and your son by allowing you to stay with them. Your son needs you and it's obvious you know that, which is partly why you have stayed with them. Regardless of whether or not there is a way to patch things up with your husband, you can start working on yourself by getting a job and getting into solo therapy. As a couple of wise people said above, you know you are at fault for some mistakes and aren't pretending to be the victim (although recognizing you have BPD illness is a good thing, it hasn't used as an excuse). You need some help and I beg of you to try and get it so that you can be the best Mom possible as your son continues to grow up and you can find reprieve from bashing yourself.
I have a close friend who has had babies, abortions, affairs, abandoned people, made excuses for it all and then came around and admitted her faults all the while not seeming to feel any humiliation about it. She had a lot happen to her in life and probably also has some missed diagnosis' herself. The point is that "we" tend to follow our feelings regardless of our thoughts. Sometimes we allow those of others to impact us but oddly some people won't let that sway them from their existing feelings (only change of mind). You made decisions in your past that drastically impacted your life, and you made the decisions alone for the most part (others certainly played a role and I wouldn't let them off the hook or that slip my mind). Going through with ctb is going to be a decision you need to make without the approval of others.
I'm not sure if I'm on to something or not but I have many feelings too and they change periodically bc of oh such friendly hormones. They've also changed by way of exercising my mind and coming to conclusions by allowing others to lead my thought process. It was a choice to try so that I wouldn't have those feelings anymore. I'm not sure why it works sometimes and doesn't other times, but it helps to recognize what does work/help so you can repeat the process if needed. One thing I can tell you for sure is that your son will be devastated even further and never understand why his Mom chose to hurt him. Moving on will give you a chance to slowly rectify your wrongs, but with ctb that will never happen. I don't want to hurt you but what he'll remember is all the horrible past feelings and then the final feeling of betrayal and loss - forever. He loves you and you have the opportunity to make the harder decision (and work on it) and build a future on a solid foundation. Love.
I want to be strong for him at times and prove that I'm more than this mistake of mine....be there for him no matter what it takes. At other times I just want to be weak and give up. I won't be alive to see the devastation and loss. I'll be spared from it all .. just slip into nothingness...it just sounds so heavenly to me.
From the moment I wake to the time I go to bed I have only the thoughts of what happened that flow through my mind. I think I have ocd too but its virtually no rest from thoughts of the trauma I put my husband and son through.
Before this happened everyone envied us, the life we had...the love we shared that was so apparent. There was laughter and joy everyday at home. To live with the knowledge that I wrecked that forever is something I don't know if I have the strength to do.
My husband is ashamed of me. Falling in love with his own nephew who grew up with us....I can't believe I did the things I did.... it's like I have no moral compass. If someone tells me its okay to do and I like that person I'll do it no matter what..I feel ashamed of me
