Can a person be dead inside before he/she commits suicide?

[noname223]

I really like the work of David Foster Wallace. One of his best stories about depression and suicide is The Planet Trillaphon.
Though he describes a state of a person which I could not relate to. He describes it as following...

"All this business about people committing suicide when they're "severely depressed;" we say, "Holy cow, we must do something to stop them from killing themselves!" That's wrong. Because all these people have, you see, by this time already killed themselves, where it really counts. By the time these people swallow entire medicine cabinets or take naps in the garage or whatever, they've already been killing themselves for ever so long."

He adds then that they are only orderly when they commit suicide and they only formalize this state. I could have given more context to this quote. But I don't want to get in legal issues. Not sure how long such a quote is allowed to be.

I personally don't have the feeling there is something dead inside myself. When we look at it from another perspective I probably agree. Commiting suicide is a long process. Often it is not only an impulsive incident. In my opinion many wake up every single day asking themselves why not killing themselves. And then you reach one day when you finally do it.

But I am not quite sure what he means by "(the part) where it really counts". I am not sure what he means by that.

Do you have an insightful idea?

 

[myopybyproxy]

it may not be dead yet but it is in the process of dying, certainly. i feel it in myself. it whimpers, shivering - when once upon a time it sang and danced. i think that is called the soul or spirit.

it's your joie de vivre, your creativity and enthusiasm to better yourself and contribute to something beyond yourself, your goals and aspirations towards those two tasks. the more your goals are oriented toward self destruction, the further along that part is in its death throes.

 

[Insomniac]

"(the part) where it really counts".

I believe the person who said that feels like there's no point to life if we're not happy.

I disagree. I never believed happiness or pleasure to be valuable things and me being unhappy isn't the reason I'm CTBing.

I want to die mainly because my life is pure suffering. If it was neutral, I wouldn't feel suicidal. I'm in the red of the emotional scale and that's why I want to disappear.

To me, feeling "neutral" everyday and comfortable materially (living in a clean country with good tenperature and nature and where you're not scared for your life every time you go outside) are good enough reasons to live. But unfortunately I can't even dream of that.

 

[FuneralCry]

If someone has already killed themselves where it really counts, I believe it could mean they have mentally died inside, they are still breathing but they are not living but just existing. I think many people die when they are still alive, I believe I am already dead in a way, my life is so empty, I may not have ctb yet but I do not feel fully alive, I just exist.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

I have had this exact thought too- that by imagining killing myself, over and over, I have already done it in a way. It's the beginning of the end. A lot of the time when people ctb it's because they are already "dead inside", or their "soul" or "spirit" is dead. I feel this way when I am at my lowest. I think what he meant by "where it really counts" is that your physical body can be perfectly healthy, but if you're "dead inside" or however you want to phrase it, there is no point in continuing to live.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I would go as far as to say that practically anyone who's feeling suicidal is already dead inside, in some cases necromancy is possible and maybe one can be brought back to life in this sense but doing so is still incredibly rare.

 

[KlMeNw]

I believe the person who said that feels like there's no point to life if we're not happy.

I disagree. I never believed happiness or pleasure to be valuable things and me being unhappy isn't the reason I'm CTBing.

I want to die mainly because my life is pure suffering. If it was neutral, I wouldn't feel suicidal. I'm in the red of the emotional scale and that's why I want to disappear.

To me, feeling "neutral" everyday and comfortable materially (living in a clean country with good tenperature and nature and where you're not scared for your life every time you go outside) are good enough reasons to live. But unfortunately I can't even dream of that.

What country are you from?

 

[MissMySuzanne]

I know what it's like to be dead inside. In June of 2020 my wife took her life. She was my first love, my one and only, my everything: sweetheart, best friend, soulmate, constant companion. When she slipped into the woods with a pistol, I felt as if I had been ripped apart--and something died inside of me. For various reasons, including age (I'm a senior), a quiet, sentimental personality, a lack of kids and a very limited social life, I've been unable to move on. As I said, she was everything to me. Now, I have no purpose, and without her life has no meaning. So in that sense I'm already dead. Suicide calls to me, but not loudly enough. Yet.

 

[Nightmare Painting]

I've been dead inside from as far back as I can remember. My traumatic childhood killed my sense of self and any chance I had at having a future.

I think loneliness is probably the biggest factor in killing you from the inside because every person needs someone else to feel like they have value and meaning. Being isolated, ostracized, ignored, and alienated from everyone and everything will gradually eat away at your soul until there's nothing left.

 

[LastFlowers]

I wouldn't say that I've been the one killing myself all along, but I'm definitely a walking dead person.

 

[Mercurial]

I think that each story is different. However, I also think that many of us don't want to stop living but to stop our suffering. In that process of feeling that there is no other possibilities to change how we feel, then we start a path of detachment from life, our dreams and our loved ones. At least, this is how I feel since I had my first attempt.

 

[Superdeterminist]

My interpretation is that by "(the part) where it really counts" he refers to that proverbial 'zest for life' - a generally positive feeling about existence and an eagerness to continue living to see what comes next. I distinctly remembering having this kind of feeling before, but it disappeated for some reason. Perhaps all the suffering had something to do with that...

 

[Lifessocruel]

Absolutely, I feel dead inside already. I'm used to the suffering but things won't stay this way. When you're already in hell you don't fear dying much. It's only a matter of time now.

 

[Broken Belt]

Semantics aside (we will all have our own thoughts as to what 'dead inside' means) i think you can reach a point where you feel your life is no longer worth living. Reasons for having reached this point differ, and some have already been shared (loss of a partner, illness, lack of hope, seeing no future) and they are personal and very real. Society at large tells us this is not the case, that life is 'worth living', that it is just a 'phase that will pass' I say that is belittling nonsense.

We know our own lives and our own pains. We can make a judgement ourselves. I don't know why society has taken away our right to choose. There needs to be an honest and open attitude taken, a discussion had. Some people have decided that they no longer want to live. That decision should be respected, enabled and facilitated.

I'm 60, with a heart condition and associated ailments. One or other will eventually kill me. I live my life at half pace now. My future is one of decline. I've enjoyed my life and do not want to end it on a machine, or in an ambulance, or supermarket aisle. I want to be able to chose how and when I end it

Is that 'dead inside'? I don't think so I but don't mind if you call it that.

 

[tieiwi]

I've been dead inside from as far back as I can remember. My traumatic childhood killed my sense of self and any chance I had at having a future.

I think loneliness is probably the biggest factor in killing you from the inside because every person needs someone else to feel like they have value and meaning. Being isolated, ostracized, ignored, and alienated from everyone and everything will gradually eat away at your soul until there's nothing left.

I had a traumatic childhood as well. I relate to you a lot and understand what it feels like. My heart goes out to you. I hope we are both able to find the peace we want and deserve.