I'm 27 years old and my mother has been saying this for years. When I was little she would tell me to die but continue to provide for me 100% which confused me. Did this person love me and was just mentally ill? Why take care of someone in all ways besides emotionally if you hate them?
To this day she says the same things when she's mad. I still hold a sliver of empathy towards her in case she's saying this as a mentally unwell individual but I'm not so sure anymore.
Makes me want to leave everything behind. If you don't have your family or any self love what's the point of going on?
Your mother is a narcissist and has serious issues. No parent should ever tell their child to kill themselves. That's really messed up. If they do, that's emotional/psychological abuse. Your mother is sick. I mean this in the literal sense. There is something wrong with her.
I thought at first you meant a spur of hte moment thing. Like something blurted out when she was blackout drunk. In that case, it's still extremely horrible but thinks are more gray than black and white. I know from first hand experience.. though my mom wasn't nearly as bad. My mom was passed out on the floor of my apartment. I remember stepping over her while trying to get ready for work. She looked up and me and said 'Fuck You'. She has no recollection of this event, but she knows it happened and she feels mortified and horrible about what she said to me. She also swore off drinking and has been sober for six years. (when she got drunk, it was due to a super traumatic event both of us went through). Your mom didn't say what she said in the spur of the moment. Or when she was impaired. Even if she was impaired, she said it multiple times. There's a huge difference.
You have every right to cut toxic people out of your life. Someone being related to you does NOT give them the right to be part of your life. I know it's hard to swallow when society conditions us to be grateful to our parents. But, you absolutely can (and IMO should) cut her out of your life.
Self love is hard as hell. Hell, most of hte time I'd say I'm in a state of self loathing. I wish I could help you more there.. but I will say, I have animals and they bring me so much joy and give meaning to my life. I have a cat and birds (not in same room lol).
just a thought - but maybe local support groups could help you a little bit. i joined one.. and i related a lot to the ppl there. many of them were broken like i was.
sorry, this kinda turned into a rambly mess. i hope soemthing might have helped.. it won't change the situation, but try to just be in teh present moment for now. fix yourself something you enjoy like hot chocoa or tea and tell yourself you have permission to just exist in that moment. sorry that's corny as hell and sounds like shit some self help person would say.. but doing that does make me feel better..