Caged.

[3ndmym1sery]

My parents are so fucked up it drives me nuts. They're muslims so they wake up everyday around 6 am to pray and I for some reason woke up for a while at 6 am today and saw they closed my room's door again, I left it open before I went to sleep. They do this thing where they close my door when I'm asleep, but not all the way, they just leave it ajar, so its slightly open, but almost closed. I don't know why they do it. My theory is it makes them feel like they own me, I've been through a lot this passed year, I almost died, I didn't eat for weeks, they had to send me away to the mental hospital or else I would have died and the only way to save a person who just refuses to live I guess is to send them to a mental hospital because they have professionals there whose whole job is to abuse you until you turn into what they want you to be, an obedient zombie. Anyway, so I think now when they close my door they feel like they own me, like I'm safe and not dying and in their house and well fed and asleep if that makes sense? And they don't close it all the way because they don't want to lose me. They want to feel like I'm safely sleeping in their house, rather than just in my room out of their sight. They never let me close my door, unless I'm crying then I just slam my door shut and they leave me alone to wait for whatever mental illness stuff is going on with me to pass. They treat me like a fucking baby, I hate it so much. I'll never be able to escape them or work or do anything because I never went to school after grade 6 and I'm a girl in pakistan, this shit fucking intensely patriarchal misogynistic hellhole of a country. I'll be forever stuck being their mentally ill, childlike daughter, which is why I want to die. I don't want to stay a child forever. I wanted to start a youtube channel but I can't do that either because I have no sim in my phone anymore, my old phone stopped working and this current phone that used to be my mom's phone doesn't support a sim, my parents won't buy me a new phone of course because they're too broke to even just buy a charger, plus they don't want me to have a sim ever since they found out I used to have online friends before I tried to kill myself, they think they told me to kill myself, because I'm so stupid I'll kill myself because someone on the internet told me to right. I have no sim, no privacy either, no decent phone to film on, and no air conditioning to replace a fan with either because fans are loud as fuck and I won't be able to film with a helicopter hovering above my head, and I can't just go outside to film either because it's not safe for me to go outside, since I'm a girl, so I can't try to become a youtuber either. My life is what can only be described as a cage, because there's no hope inside a cage. I'll never be free, or independant. I'll never be a person. I'd rather die than live like this